Too Embarrassed To Face My Therapist Again

[FindingMyself88]

So today we had a two hour session and something came up that I have never said to really anyone before. It has to do with something that I should've learned in childhood but I didn't. It came up during our EMDR processing.

My therapist stopped because she could see something had come up. She asked if I needed to talk about it or just process it without saying it. I blurted it out. I can't even say it here because it's so embarrassing. I got picked on horribly in school because of it and it's a very big negative belief I have about myself to this day.

I am so embarrassed- I could not even look my therapist in the eye afterwards and we couldn't continue EMDR because I started self harming. She literally had to tell me "I'm going to have to pull your arms apart if you don't stop." She ended up having to which caused more shame. I had dug a sore into my arm. We tried going for a walk which helped some but not a lot. She tried helping me imagine my safe place but yeah. Even talking about Kaz (my puppy) I couldn't look her in the eye.

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me when I said what I did, but I couldn't say anything. I have fully trusted my therapist up until now. And it's not so much that I don't trust her, but I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I can't look at her. She made me leave my keys and phone in her office when we went for a walk because I had said that I really just wanted to run away. It was awful :(.

Now I'm afraid to go back Wednesday. She said this is something we may need to process separately from what we're already processing but it's so ingrained into my negative belief of this one that I couldn't separate it.

I don't know if I can face my therapist again and that is very devastating to me :(.

 

[watundah]

Please know that as difficult it was to share this, it was more difficult to carry it with you all of these years. The hardest part is over - saying it and sharing it make it real. Now with her help, you can work on putting it behind you.

I think there is little an experienced therapist can hear that shocks them. And I am willing to bet that more than anything she wants to help you. It sounds like it with the scenario you described here. It will be hard, yes, but the memory will become less powerful. Look for her for guidance and try to share how you feel. It will help both of you.

 

[desiderata310]

It's going to be ok.
No, really. I've already have that T-shirt.
You're therapist doesn't think ill of you. What you have to understand is that they have actually been TRAINED and (according to my therapist) they LIKE to help people like us. That one still blows my mind but I'm trying to take him at his word. He's pretty much heard it all.

You CAN face your therapist again. She obviously thinks enough of you to make sure you were ok before you left. This is going to work out.
Don't worry about processing that negative belief right now. Just set it to the side. It'll keep.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Our secrets keep us sick. You took a huge leap forward by sharing your story with your therapist. Yeah, it is yucky and embarrassing but over time that will fade into the background. You'll see that your therapist doesn't judge you. You certainly must have a lot of trust with her to have spoken your truth. Please allow her to guide you towards acceptance. It will be so worth it.

 

[scout86]

"Embarrassment" is just a feeling. It's not a fact and it can't hurt you. It can make you plenty uncomfortable, but you can get through this. What you did in telling her was exactly the right thing. She can help you through this, so please let her. As I remember it, your T is pretty awesome, it really will be ok. It's too bad you have to wait until Wed. But, like @desiderata310 said, set it aside somewhere out of sight and out of mind until then, it will keep. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will be ok.

 

[Classicrocker89]

So today we had a two hour session and something came up that I have never said to really anyone...

There were times I felt the same way but went back to see my therapist and felt better going then if I'd not gone... You would be suprised how much they've seen, heard and experienced... It may have it been as unusual as you think.. Go and see her, it's really a no judgement zone....

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with everyone else here. I don't think this is a cause for shame or embarrassment, it sounds more like a breakthrough, and you should be super proud of yourself for telling her what you did. That takes balls. It's only natural that you would react the way you did afterwards, and I'm sure she understands. I think that you have simply been trained to feel shame and you are projecting onto her, assuming that she will think badly of you because you were literally taught to think badly of yourself. You can face her again, just take deep breaths and try to see the situation objectively - this is a trained therapist who has seen all sorts of people with all sorts of embarrassing problems, I'm sure what you said did not make her think any differently of you. The shame that you are feeling is a result of abuse, it does not correspond with how you should feel or how she sees you. You are brave for telling her and ultimately this will help you immensely. Chin up, head held high, take pride in being strong enough to open up to her and see her again.

 

[Friday]

You can't have bravery without fear. If you're not afraid? Then it wasn't brave.

Someone told me once that if you tell a secret to 3 different people? It no longer has any power over you. I don't know if this is true, or not, because in every case where I have told a secret, once has been enough. Once I've told one person? I may still exercise discretion in who I talk to about it, or not, but it's lost its f*cking grip around my heart.

I would think this would make telling other secrets easier. It doesn't. Crushing guilt, and shame... Like a sharp edged bladed vice around my damn heart. Keeps my jaw locked shut about a whole helluva lot of things.

It also doesn't mean that difficult things to talk about are suddenly easy. Some are, some aren't.

But half of telling? Is facing. It's walking through the embarrassment, crawling if you have to, to get to the other side. Stopping in the center of it? Hardest place to be in. Go to the appointment. Tell the embarrassment to f*ck off, and get through to the other side. We've all been there, for true.

"If you're going through hell? Keep going!" - Winston Churchill

 

[Skylynx]

This might sound silly, but something that's worked for me when I say something embarrassing in therapy is to walk in next session as if I had never said it. I even make myself not remember, and not think of it, and just pretend it didn't happen, isn't part of therapy now either. If T brings it up, I let her know by my reluctance that I don't want to deal with it yet. Sometimes things can come out too soon, but they will be waiting on a shelf inside to be dealt with when you are more ready. Most therapists are sensitive to that and respectful of your unsaid wishes without your even having to tell them.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you all for your responses. Its taken me a few days to calm down and decompress. Despite the desperate desire to call and cancel our session Wednesday, I will go. 1) because I know deep down its the right thing, 2) I have NEVER cancelled a session and my therapist will know why, and 3) I know rationally my T holds no judgement towards me- its me with the judgment and 4) due to health and circumstances- she is the only "safe" person I can really even see right now.

I would do the "put it away for a later time" except that its SO intwined into the trauma we are processing that it would be impossible and we can't stop EMDR because she will be gone a full month in July plus Im having flashbacks multiple times a day anyways. Was before we even started EMDR, or else we wouldn't have started now.

 

[fyredrift23]

Good on you for going! I think our inner strength shines through when we can push to seek help even though everything in us is screaming to stay home. You are rejecting suffering, and you are actively choosing to confront what's troubling you rather than try to run from it.

Great job!! :tup:

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FindingMyself88 if you don't mind me asking, but I have a question about the EMDR. I have been wanting to do that, but my therapist says I'm too dissociative and wants to wait til I'm better grounded. It sounded to me in your post that you are having it because of the flashbacks. Is that so? Because it kind of contradicts what my therapist says. I keep telling him, well if you wait til I have no symptoms to do it, then I wouldn't need it!!!