It is strange for me to write about myself, especially online. But I will try, because I have felt some kind of hope reading posts here. I lost my brother 9 years ago. He was 22 and he was ill 10 years, with pauses between cancer on various organs. He was brave and full of life. I was his younger sister. This last nine years, I have been very very functional in my studies, job, and social contacts. I have never talked about him, I do not go to his grave, nor look at his picture. The first eight years I could not cry at all. I have had a periods of depersonalization, severe one time, felt very distanced from my emotions, empty in a way. Also, I could not unite my "two lives", before and after his death. I still feel like there are "two of me". I am a believer, so I often go to churches, and I did not have some religious crises after all of that.
Within a year and half I went to Germany to pursue my studies, also I broke up with my boyfriend who was my first relationship in which I allowed the partner to break some of my walls (I had relationships but they all were very complicated, I stayed friends with all people who were important to me and finally I never gave my whole person, I was somehow protected, in the shell). In Germany, I adapted nicely, having friends etc. Also, at one point I started to date a guy who I have known for a long time and as time passed we built a really peaceful, mature and serious relationship. So, everything became normal, without searching. And then it started. I feel a giant fear of death, I watch everything from that corner- it is not important, we are all gonna die anyway, everything is colored by death and fear and religious questions which are like Obsessive Compulsive thoughts. I am not depressive (I think I am not), I am just terribly scared and feel hopeless when it comes to that topic. I started to view photos of my brother, sometimes but rarely to mention him, I started to cry, but that's when my fears became worse.
Have any idea what I can do? I do not want to have kids and not to know how to cope with myself... Sorry that it was so long, this is just because it is my first time.
Within a year and half I went to Germany to pursue my studies, also I broke up with my boyfriend who was my first relationship in which I allowed the partner to break some of my walls (I had relationships but they all were very complicated, I stayed friends with all people who were important to me and finally I never gave my whole person, I was somehow protected, in the shell). In Germany, I adapted nicely, having friends etc. Also, at one point I started to date a guy who I have known for a long time and as time passed we built a really peaceful, mature and serious relationship. So, everything became normal, without searching. And then it started. I feel a giant fear of death, I watch everything from that corner- it is not important, we are all gonna die anyway, everything is colored by death and fear and religious questions which are like Obsessive Compulsive thoughts. I am not depressive (I think I am not), I am just terribly scared and feel hopeless when it comes to that topic. I started to view photos of my brother, sometimes but rarely to mention him, I started to cry, but that's when my fears became worse.
Have any idea what I can do? I do not want to have kids and not to know how to cope with myself... Sorry that it was so long, this is just because it is my first time.
