Sufferer Torture survivor going into ems - tired of my past holding me back

[Maudlin]

Hi everyone,
I was officially diagnosed with PTSD in March 2017 during a hospitalization for anorexia. I survived physical/sexual/psychological torture and neglect between the ages of 5 and 16 (I turn 18 in May, for a point of reference). I have always coped with my life by using denial and maladaptive daydreaming. I made a suicide attempt in September that came frighteningly close to completion and spent 4 months progressing from ICU to medical ward to inpatient to residential to PHP. I was finally discharged to outpatient care on December 31. It's been a long hard road, and while I'm grateful for what progress I've made, the more I've begun to engage in real life the more I am being torn apart by paranoia, rage, and emotional emptiness.

I am haunted by what happened to me. Mostly it feels like something that happened to someone else a long, long time ago, except I'm left to squirm with every uncomfortable feeling the memories bring up. I am getting worse. I haven't slept in days, my hygiene is falling to the wayside, and I avoid people because I just feel so lonely and irritable whenever I'm around them. I feel like my throat is closing up whenever I'm in therapy, so I never talk about it. It's like I'm dead but somehow still being forced to interact with the world.

It's so strange to see everything typed out like that. I had been telling myself all week that I'm fine, I'm getting better, I am okay. I guess I was wrong. I'm an EMT student and emergency room tech, and I am doing everything in my power to stay in control of my PTSD so it doesn't jeopardize these opportunities. I'm so nervous that I am too weak to handle EMS if even normal people get messed up by it. But I don't really get triggered by other people's business, just my own internal mess.

I don't know. I'm nearly positive this entire stream-of-consciousness is incoherent and self-pitying, but I just don't know what else to do. Talking in real life is so hard.

Thanks for reading.

 

[frogthroat]

Maudlin, I'm a torture survivor too. Are you punishing yourself by going into EMS? My heart goes out to you.

 

[ladee]

Welcome... sorry to hear what brought you here, but glad you found us... there are other EMT's here with PTSD, hopefully they will respond and either encourage to pursue your chosen career or tell you to run as fast as you can... will let them speak for them selves...

Glad you are here...

 

[Maudlin]

Maudlin, I'm a torture survivor too. Are you punishing yourself by going into EMS? My heart goes out...

I sometimes think I am. I feel like if I'm not helping other people at the cost of self-sacrifice then I'm worthless; like if my existence doesn't directly benefit someone else's then I'm a failure.

Welcome... sorry to hear what brought you here, but glad you found us... there are other EMT's here with...

Thank you, I have been told by other EMT's that the system is a furnace. I am so ambivalent about quitting something once I've started.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :hug:

 

[gealach]

I see a number of red flags here, are you in therapy? I'm not sure how the American system works, do you have practicums? and if so, have you done any portion of them and how did you respond during calls? have you done any ridealongs? how are you effected by your work in the ER?

I always ask my practicum students why they want to be in ems, and I usually get the vague "I want to help people" answer. It's a good answer on the surface, it's also a very shallow answer because there are so many ways to "help people" that don't involve experiencing the nasty shit we do in ems. I challenge my students to think deeper, and answer the question again after they've done a few calls or a "big" call. The students that can't dig deeper, are also the ones that ultimately aren't successful on practicum. I would ask you the same question, especially with the statement you made above

I feel like if I'm not helping other people at the cost of self-sacrifice then I'm worthless; like if my existence doesn't directly benefit someone else's then I'm a failure

the reasons to chose a career in ems are as individual and unique as the practitioners themselves, but when you're on duty and on a call, it's no longer about you or your reasons(s) for joining... it's about the patient(s) and their immediate needs, our personal shit goes to the back of the line.

there is also qualifying for license and employment... with a ptsd diagnosis and a recent suicide attempt in your medical history, you may not be eligible for either, but again I don't know the American system.

In geology, pressure creates diamonds. EMS is the worst kind of pressure cooker... and this system isn't creating diamonds.

 

[Freida]

I'm so nervous that I am too weak to handle EMS if even normal people get messed up by it. But I don't really get triggered by other people's business, just my own internal mess.

You might want to think long and hard about this because you WILL be triggered and someone's life may depend on what happens when you are. There are no second chances when people's lives are at stake. I don't say that to discourage you. If this is something you really want to do then you should move forward. But move forward carefully.

When that trigger hits you still have to do your job. Past the flashbacks, past the internal thoughts, past the fear. But that's not the hard part. Most of us in public safety do great during the big emergency because we can compartmentalize. It's when the call is over that it will hit you. And then you have to suck it up and move to the next call, and the next call and so on. You need to have some major coping techniques in place BEFORE you start, because sadly mental health treatment for public safety personnel is sadly lacking and the job can take over your life if you are not careful.

I think @brokenEMT has some great suggestions for you to check out to see if this is where you want to be. And before you go any further look into the hiring processes. Dispatch does psych evals as part of the hiring process - I'm not sure if EMS does. If they do you are going to want to find out if you can get a job with the recent challenges you have had before you dump the money and time into the training.

I'm nearly positive this entire stream-of-consciousness is incoherent and self-pitying,

I don't see any self pity in any of your post. I think it shows an amazing self-awareness of where you are and what you need to work on. You are asking all the right questions!

 

[Maudlin]

Thank you so much for the responses. I appreciate being able to hear from people who know what I'm talking about and are able to give some guidance. I have actually done well psychologically with what I've seen so far; I live in a dead zone with few real 911-worthy emergencies. I'm more worried about my inner turmoil leading to vulnerability to burnout or failure. I know I am a good EMS provider and I am terrified of messing up.

I see a number of red flags here, are you in therapy? I'm not sure how the American system works, do...

Yes, we have practicums (but we usually call them clinicals). I've done mine so far at the medical examiner's office, in the CICU, and in a large inner city ER. I actually had quite a good time, was a bit shaken up when the ME handed me a patient's brain without warning. My ER has been nice, it's a 12 bed Level 2 in a small town so a solid foundation without being too much. TONS of stroke/MI/pneumonia, etc plus lots of IF transfers and a few MVA traumas here and there (but we usually ship them to the Level 1 anyway). I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that it hasn't been too stressful. I've done a few non-critical IF ride-alongs plus lift assists, ODs, and the standard medical calls. I'm currently going to therapy once a week.

For me, "helping people" means being there for them on the worst day of their lives in order to pay it forward, because I've never forgotten the impact compassionate EMT's have had on me during hard times. I'm not sure how to phrase it, but I hope I can find a way to show my patients that someone hears them and cares what happens to them.

American EMT's don't submit a medical record when applying for a license, only any criminal charges or barriers to being able to lift or drive.

You might want to think long and hard about this because you WILL be triggered and someone's life may de...

American National Registry of EMT's doesn't examine your medical history, they just administer the exam, you pay the fee, and you're licensed. Only thing I could think of is if you get hired on at a service and your medical director wants to know, but as far as I know my state only cares about violent criminal records.

 

[gealach]

it's great that you're in therapy. What does your T think about your fitness for an ems career?

 

[Maudlin]

it's great that you're in therapy. What does your T think about your fitness for an ems career?[/QUOT...

Everything she's said suggests she's supportive. I'm fairly new to working with her and I think she doesn't know quite what to make of me yet.

 

[Freida]

because I've never forgotten the impact compassionate EMT's have had on me during hard times.

Thats a good reason! I'm really glad you are giving alot of thought to this..

I love that you are doing your research -- that is huge. PTSD is a big problem in public safety so going in with it is a double edged sword. I had undiagnosed PTSD when I started in dispatch and looking back it caused quite a bit of turmoil throughout my career because there were so many triggers I didn't know how to cope with.(ok -well I didn't even know what a trigger was....LOL)

I think working with your therapist and committing to learning and using your coping skills will be hugely beneficial for you - but know that will probably be a career long process.

 

[frogthroat]

I have no medical background so I'm not qualified to answer anything about being an EMS. If that's what you want to do and you can handle it then you should do it but I don't know how you manage. I couldn't even work in retail that long. That's how much interactions with people bother me. I'm not in therapy yet though. I'm not saying that to make you question your career decision. I personally couldn't handle the stress and all the blood, sounds, and the suffering. Even the smells or facial expression of someone in extreme pain would be enough for me to not be able to sleep. Please take care of yourself and decide what's best for your health before you worry about other people's. You know at some point you might be toting a rape victim to the hospital right? What if there's a situation involving victims of extreme violence or child abuse? I can't imagine you would come through that unscathed.