Relationship Totally Worn Out

[blackswan]

I'm exhausted. The roller coaster never seems to stop and, for the first time, I'm questioning if we have a future and whether staying put is sustainable. I don't know how long I can keep doing this, and it's breaking my heart :'(

Boyfriend and I have been living together for a little over two years, together for 2.5 years, and best friends for nearly 10 years. He is a domestic violence survivor, and only recently told me that the abuse he experienced was so extreme that he actually considers himself a torture survivor - I hadn't noticed some scars because they're so faint because he got them when he was so young, and his psychotic neo-nazi step-father was certainly "creative" with how he put them there. Almost worse than the physical scars are the emotional scars left by the emotional neglect and abuse perpetrated by his mother - he called her 18 months ago to reach out for support and she finally got back to him a few days ago via email to announce that she's moving interstate and that he needs to collect his childhood belongings, before yelling at him over the phone and blaming him for their poor relationship.

Boyfriend was managing a team and working his way up through his organisation when we started dating, he was happy and highly functional. And then he was assaulted and had his life threatened by a client on meth, was totally unsupported and pushed beyond breaking point by his organisation, and now hasn't worked in 15 months. He has major depression (which is slowly slowly improving, which I can see because he can leave the apartment and make eye contact most days now), rollicking anxiety and picnic, and increasingly severe asthma and obesity. His psychiatrist and psychologist stopped being useful when they decided earlier in the year that he is an aggressive drug abuser (he is neither), and his first appointment with his new psychiatrist isn't until the end of the month. I'm seeing a psychologist, and we see a trauma-informed couples counsellor. I'm studying my dream course and have been acing it, but think I'm about to flunk out of my final subject because I have finally cracked under the pressure of living with and caring for someone who is so unwell... I also found my best friend during a suicide attempt a few months ago and that definitely didn't help things.

We have an amazing friendship, but I dread coming home to him or waking up next to him at the moment because his symptoms are so exhausting to be around - he's been doing an introductory online course to prepare for returning to university next year, but it turns out that studying is a major trigger for him so he's needed me sitting with him for hours of disassociative panic while he forces himself through it. He is understandably angry and upset about the way he was treated by his organisation and raised, but that means that half of everything he currently says is drenched in bitterness - I'm a naturally optimistic person and I feel like I lose part of that every time he spits hateful words about the state of the world. We want a family, but I'm hitting my mid-30s and starting to lose hope that he will be well and financially stable enough before my fertility dies off. He has no hope, only black grim determination to try and prove his mother and step-father wrong.

I feel like our entire romance has been soaked in pain and I worry that being loved is what is driving him so crazy. I worry that I will have to do what he has begged me to do so often, leave him to protect myself. I worry that if I do, that this will just prove to him that the world is hard and cruel and he will hate me and disappear. I worry that even if he is miraculously pulled together by his new doctor and is able to complete his degree and start a new happy chapter in his life, that I may have worn out my love for him and will have to leave him anyway. I worry that I can only do one of be with him or pursue my dream career, and I don't know how to choose... he tries *so* hard, but maybe he really is just too broken like he keeps saying. I worry that I'm going to really like it when he goes to stay with his biological father interstate for a few weeks to give me a break - what if I don't want him to come home?

I'm so tired. I miss my friend, so much. And I don't know what to do. Are there any other people out there who have successful, supportive relationships with survivors of domestic violence? Or who had to walk away from a relationship with a survivor of domestic violence? Any faint glimmers of hope from the other side, no matter what side, would be heartily appreciated.


And apparently I have been holding all that in for way too long because that is an epic post. Apologies for the verbosity.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Wow. I don't have an answer to your question but you definitely need a break. It is also okay to have to leave the relationship to take care of yourself. It doesn't have to be permanent. With some time for yourself you may be better apt to see more clearly how best to deal with this relationship. Wishing you the best.

 

[darrenS]

I am so sorry to hear what your going through, you do have several choices but none are easy, but please allow me to be honest and with no offence.

Its extremely difficult watching a friend/lover sink , particularly when they seem to continue to slide and do little about it. You are both young and do have a whole life ahead of you, however the decisions you make it the next few years can have a major impact for a long time. Firstly you are not responsible for your boyfriends trauma nor the treatment and management of it. It is not only dangerous but extremely draining and destructive to the caregiver/partner. He has but one option - to get treatment and take responsibility for it - as much as you love the guy etc , it is not your role to be his one and only support and im sure with ptsd untreated also his whipping stick. Have you stopped and asked yourself what you want out of life , where you want to be in five years ? im not saying in any way to leave him or anything , but you need to look after yourself. Looking after a partner at your age is not fair , i amire you for supporting him and doing what your doing . But ultimately in order to survive and stay in one peice , your boyfriend needs to get help and stop making you responsible, and if he does not accept it , then i would seriously look it and protect myself. The first thing they teach you when you need help , is to be selfish as it is the only way you will get your own needs adressed and also respected. good luck and my heart goes out to you

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was a caregiver twenty four seven for my husband who had dementia and I had to watch him fade away and I forgot the man he used to be and only knew the man that was fading away and needed more and more caregiving from me. When he died I collapsed from caregivers burnout which is so exhausting and although I realize my situation is vastly different than your, I would advise you to stand up for yourself and take breaks from your boyfriend before he drains you dry.

You sound overwhelmed and so exhausted and you need to have a life that is your own. He will on his own with you not having a life, will burn out and the situation would do either of you no good.

He has to want to take care of himself and get help and support for himself and as long as he fully depends on you, you will become more and more exhausted.

I ended up with no friends no life of my own as I had to take care of him all of the time and It was a very unhealthy situation for me.

Rebuild your relationships with your good friends and take a time out from him whenever you need to. I wish you the very best in this extrememly difficult situation.

He has to want to help himself. If he depends on you for his help it will keep him weak and dependent on you alone.

 

[Sighs]

You are not alone. There are many of us supporters who wonder how we will get through one more day.. hour... minute. I wish I had words of wisdom but all I can offer is hugs.

 

[blackswan]

Thanks all, it helps to know that I'm not the only person in the world dealing with this kind of thing.

He does want to help himself. He's been in therapy on and off since his teens, and is only not seeing someone right now because he's in the process of moving from one therapist to another (hopefully better) therapist. It just all seems insurmountable at the moment, like a game of emotion whack-a-mole - as one thing gets under control another thing always seems to pop up in its place.

I guess I'm stuck with being patient and self-care. Blugh.

 

[darrenS]

Nah your not stuck , be creative and also assertive , find escape routes when its too much , if he wants to maintain your love and support he also has to understand you need time for you , even if your organize a night out or an activity just for you - could be a class , movie anything - be creative - l live alone simply because I used to become simply too much , no one could do anything - I would snap, argue and it just became to much , since ive lived alone ...its been difficult but my family is healthier , my x wife feels safer and slowly we are able to talk about things , she also feels safe enough to tell me when my behaviour is leading me to danger , I am able to visit at anytime see my kids and have them here when I choose , and im alone so if im in a bad space no one gets the fall out , it also makes me take responsibility for me rather than expect my wife to be the caregiver - its painful and sometimes very much so, but at the same time i feel because i am not allowing any excuses for my ptsd and not allowing those to take the fallout , that in itself in some ways has forced me to address my reactions and behaviour and actually take responsibility for it - it still happens and wont change overnight but in time it will- at first i was very scared , what if i got suicidal etc . and i did have some very dark times, but it also forced me to find coping mechanisms and what not - devise strategies for different things - its not perfect but each time i try, things change , i still slip - i still behave badly at times - but the duration is getting shorter and im becoming aware a lot quicker and im not hurting those who love me and im not draining them of life - it also allows us to rebuild the basics with the honesty of my condition, without it becoming a two step on broken glass

 

[Sighs]

Anyone heard from @blackswan since this post?