Toxic Guilt

[SeekingAfrica]

I have noticed in this journey of having PTSD including things from childhood, that I tend to feel too much shame or guilt every time I make a simple mistake. So when things are really BAD? I am killing myself with how I feel about it.
That goes double for money as I was also thought in that way (NEVER take loans).

So with the rough time I had these few months I have good amount of repayments to make. Which is fine with the people who are cool about it. Then I have only internalized guilt to cope with. But if it's someone you told you are closed to eviction, negotiated new deadlines and kept those,but they made you feel like the lowest person and reminded you how wrong you were and how graciously they treated you by giving you possibility to pay later and howdeceitful you were taking a loan you have to renegotiate dueto X reason? I feel unworthy of better finances and better life.

I have made a mistake, more than one to survive. But I have played my part, renegotiate payments and kept them. Yet I'm still met with a lecture on my humanity and it's killing me. And I'm sure I deserve it, but it doesn't make anything better, just keeps me guilty and poor. I need better. People around me deserve better.
How do I cope?

 

[Rose White]

I feel unworthy of better finances and better life.

I very much relate to this. Don’t have the words to expand on it but I do relate.

they made you feel like the lowest person and reminded you how wrong you were and how graciously they treated you by giving you possibility to pay later and howdeceitful you were taking a loan you have to renegotiate dueto X reason

I think the cognitive distortion is “they made you feel”. Ten people will feel ten different things from one person telling them the same thing. Doesn’t mean that some people might feel similarly or that they won’t understand each others feelings.

I think some of the most difficult work of recovery is changing the narratives that run in our heads—the damn inner critic which saved us through the worst of our abuse by making us hyper vigilant and willing to change at every turn to survive. This kind of work is warrior work and I’m not saying that you haven’t done it! It’s a lifetime effort, and can feel circular.

It’s a complex process of making that voice quieter or less important and supporting the parts that feel upset by that voice—all the mundane and irritating coping mechanisms. Personally I have to talk back to the voice and literally say, sometimes out loud but often in my head, “No, that’s not true, we’re not going to do that.” And sometimes it feels like I’m a broken record and can be draining. But letting that tantrum-y voice rise up in panic mode isn’t helpful either.

I have played my part, renegotiate payments and kept them. Yet I'm still met with a lecture

Yes, you did what you could, and stuck to your word. Some people, especially bullies, love giving free lectures. I haven’t figured out how to deal with them other than to do my best to excuse myself at the soonest and then try hard not to let their words sting.

Am kind of dealing with this a bit at work. My director is stressed out and seems to be lashing out at me in little ways, criticizing my work when I know I’m doing well and for which she used to praise and encourage me. I try to tell myself that her wanting to criticize and lecture me is about her stress. And her stress is understandable—she tends to enable people and then traps herself into that dynamic, and she is not well trained to be an administrator. The people she would really want to criticize are usually far away from her because they could care less about work, so I’m an easy target for her to try to expend her frustration. It’s about her. Still part of me does try to think of how I can be even better (perfectionism)—which mostly doesn’t help me but in general it is good to be reflective of one’s practice. I am learning to differentiate between criticism and reflection.

 

[arfie]

guilt and shame are my meanest ptsd symptoms. when i grew enough to discover what the world calls child prostitutes, my guilt and shame became my most present companions. that phenom was/is even meaner for my brothers, who were also child prostitutes.

what a long, strange trip THAT recovery has been, from the first awareness that it wasn't my fault that i was born into child prostitution to my current number one prayer for dealing. "dear god, i am so sorry for always being so sorry. i am sorry for the constant doubt which leads me to pout for lessons i have yet to learn."

gentle empathy and support for finding your own way to tame the savage beasts of guilt and shame.