Trauma anniversary stuck in avoidence mode

[Fadeaway]

My anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and and I am screwing my life up because I am stuck in this avoidance mode I can't shake. Bills? f*ckem, I can't deal with it, New family, f*ck it I can't deal with it. I just want to crawl in a black hole and not deal with anything.

 

[anonymous]

You will get through it, give yourself some grace, it gets easier with time.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[I need to heal]

My anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and and I am screwing my life up because I am stuck i...

Moments, places, faces - flashes of that 'other' time - I left 3.5 years ago & still feel stuck. My latest avoidance has been 7 weeks basically bedridden, barely eating, going nowhere, disturbed sleep from body shaking - I think people were helping me online.... but I just don't really know, then fear & doubt kicks in, the alarm bell that supports the doubt - they weee humiliating & shaming me - making fun of my story - using me - I was back in a war zone again. Everyone is the enemy again, & I want the hurt to go a ay but it won't - can't work, about to end up on the street, neglecting children but unable to move - I worked & fought so hard to start over - but people took advantage of me - & played me like a fool. I just wanted a friend, someone to talk to always - for with my healing it's always about trying to fix the head. I can't make decisions now, even the most simple things are becoming confusing. I've bounced back too many times - I can't go back to work, I've had too much trauma there, they pitted me against my abuser in a sick game of 'he says/she says, they let his sister & ex husband - a prostate cancer doctor infiltrate my work - deals were done, movies were made - somehow I became their cash cow - they stole my ideas & implemented them taking all the credit as if their own - they used me as a case study without consent - these are professional people that not once did they ask 'if I was ok' - they too played games. And now I'm just so tired - tired of life - tired of people - tired of mans greed & hate - & a world gone evil.