Undiagnosed Trauma As A Young Child, Finally Realised What's Wrong With Me

[Dan42]

Hi my name is Dan,

I guess I'm right specifying myself as "undiagnosed", however, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently after a particularly low point, and I'm 99% sure I've finally identified what I've been suffering with all these years.

I'm now over 30 years old, and the trauma happened when I was very young, then went on through my early years. I was severely depressed as an adolescent, used to stammer badly. My life got better when I left home for University, but always had confidence problems and issues with relationships with women, anxioties about sex etc...

I don't believe I can pin down a single particular trauma event, if so, it's been hidden and repressed so I can't remember. It's more like a build up of traumatic events. I was a hyper sensitive child and suffered multiple nervous breakdowns between the ages of 5 and 10, or there abouts.

Not sure how I've reached this self-diagnosis, but after reading lots of stories and info about PTSD, it seems to describe my problems perfectly.

Tried SSRI's when I was 19, they didn't agree with me at all, to the point I could not take them.

Don't really belive in CBT, what a crock.

Can't actually identify the original specific trauma events as they happened when I was so young, and so either can't remember them clearly any more, or there's some mental block I've got on it.

Am I doomed to live the rest of my life in this pit of despair, despondency and self-loathing?

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Dan,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling and have done for such a long time. Nobody here can tell you that you have PTSD or not...you need to find that out for yourself, properly...ie. doctors, therapist, psychiatrist etc. Guessing is never a good idea.

Don't really believe in CBT

How have you reached this conclusion, if you don't mind me asking?

No, you're not doomed, although if you do have PTSD...it's a long and bumpy road. I'm glad you're here and reaching out, but I think the first place you need to go is to a medical professional and get into counselling.

Regards,

Ice_Fire

 

[intothelight]

Hi Dan,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. The best single thing you can do for yourself is get a diagnosis. Without know specifically what is wrong, it is impossible to search for the things that can help you the most.

No one has to be doomed to suffering anxiety, depression, or emotional swings for a lifetime. There is help, but it is up to each one of us to seek it and commit to the making the changes necessary to heal.

Wishing you much peace.

Debbie

 

[Dan42]

I am a highly intelligent person, I also have trust issues with doctors, I always self-diagnose myeslf and self-medicate myself. The only times I've gone to hospital is if I need something cutting off or sewing up that I physically can't perform myself.

I tried group therapy for my stammering/low self-confidence when I was about 14, it worked somewhat, but the part that helped was realization that I wasn't alone in my suffering. None of the so called professionals ever diagnosed my condition properly.

When I was about 19 I went to the doctors and asked him to prescribe me SSRIs, as I relised I'de been suffering from chronic depression for years. He did so, we tried about 3 different sub-types of SSRIs, none of them worked for me as they either made me nauseous to the point I could not hold down any liquids (i.e. very dangerously dehydrated), or made me worse (more despondent, lacking any energy at all).

So, basically, I don't see why I should trust any so called professional's opinion. CBT doesn't do anything physical, you can't change the way you feel about things, "shit happens", then you feel something because of it.

If I am to improve my condition it must be a personal exercise, I have to help myself, nobody else can.

Also, secondary issues like my alcoholism and use of cannabis make recovery extremely unlikely.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I am a highly intelligent person, I also have trust issues with doctors, I always self-diagnose myeslf and self-medicate myself.

I'm sure you are clever, but are you medically trained? Even doctors cannot treat themselves, self-diagnosing and medicating is a very dangerous practice.

I am glad the group therapy helped, I'm guessing it was a similar positive experience that being a member here has been for me; being around others with the same struggles. However, I still think you need to get into therapy for yourself. You are like a lot of us, I know people here, including myself have trust issues. However, that doesn't mean you have PTSD, or depression, or anything else. Nor does having a handful of other symptoms. Only a fully qualified medical professional can tell you what's really wrong with you.

When I was about 19 I went to the doctors and asked him to prescribe me SSRIs, as I relised I'de been suffering from chronic depression for years. He did so, we tried about 3 different sub-types of SSRIs, none of them worked for me as they either made me nauseous to the point I could not hold down any liquids (i.e. very dangerously dehydrated), or made me worse (more despondent, lacking any energy at all).

Were you also abusing alcohol at the same time as taking these drugs? I'm not a medical professional, but if you were drinking whilst on anti-depressants- well, not a good mix and would make you ill.

So, basically, I don't see why I should trust any so called professional's opinion. CBT doesn't do anything physical, you can't change the way you feel about things, shit happens, then you feel something because of it.

I'm sorry, I'm still not following you...CBT is therapy for a mental health issue, ie, a problem with the way you think and react...so, it cannot be 'physical' or 'tangible' can it? Should it be? What do you think woulf be more beneficial?

If I am to improve my condition it must be a personal exercise, I have to help myself, nobody else can.

Also, secondary issues like my alcoholism and use of cannabis make recovery extremely unlikely.

You want to help yourself and you recognise you abuse drugs- cutting down would be a good start? You're right that only you can truly control that. But everything else, including a diagnoses, needs medical advice and guidance.

 

[Dan42]

@Ice_Fire I am intelligent enough to read and understand medical texts, research papers etc... and I've spoken at length to friends who are GPs and Psycologists as peer review. My problems are mental ones, so how can a doctor diagnose me better than myself? Any doctor would have to ask me questions, i.e. all the information for any diagnosis comes from me, so I have all the information anyway, and more. In fact, in the past doctors and so called professionals have quite obviously asked the wrong questions and miss-diagnosed me on multiple occasions over the span of years, so I would argue that external (second party) diagnosis of a complex mental disorder is impossible.

CBT as far as I can see is someone trying to convince me that thought processes I've had for 25+ years are fundermentally wrong, and to somehow magically change those with words. Unless they have a time machine, I don't believe any amount of CBT can revert these deep routed thought processes I have.

On drugs, I would not say I "abused" drugs, I "use" them to manage the anxiety. I could go to the doctors and get some Diazepam or something, but then I'de just be hooked on another drug.

Are you by any chance a member of the medical profession?

 

[Ice_Fire]

No, I am not a member of the medical profession and do not pretend to be such.

Maybe I'm just not following your logic, but I still don't see how diagnosing yourself is possible. It becomes entirely subjective, even more so when it's a mental health condition. So...surely the 'self-diagnosis' is bound to be flawed as you're not looking and evaluating your thoughts and behaviours impartially?

I'm sorry I misunderstood you on the drugs, there is a thread on marijuana being beneficial to people for anxiety. However, I personally feel that it is safer and healthier to be taking prescription drugs under the guidance and watch of a medical professional. Just my opinion.

There is a thread on self diagnosis; I will post you the link if you think it would be a useful read to you.

 

[Dan42]

@Ice_Fire, thanks, please post links to any threads you think I might find useful.

Perhaps I expected too much again? I'm looking for someone to save me from myself on a public internet forum! Lol. Typical CPTSD behavior manifesting it's self right here right now...

 

[Ice_Fire]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/posttraumatic-stress-disorder/[/DLMURL] General info about diagnosis etc. I read it ages ago, so...hope it's useful!

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/medical-marijuana-and-ptsd.8062/[/DLMURL] Not read all of this, but...may be a good discussion for you to have your say?

Nobody can save you from yourself- apart from you, of course![DOUBLEPOST=1343825747][/DOUBLEPOST]Reading that back, my last sentence wasn't intended to be sarcastic, I'm being genuine. :oops:

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Dan,

You seem to be saying that any sort of talk therapy won't work because it doesn't do anything "physical". Actually, this may not be the case. Go to PubMed or any research database and read the latest about neuroplasticity and cognitive behavioral therapy. It's something to consider. ("I am intelligent enough to read and understand medical texts, research papers etc...")

Really, it sounds like you haven't had a serious or experienced therapist. Perhaps you should research practitioners and try to find one whose theoretical orientation and experience level is more appropriate for your situation. Many CBT therapists are Masters level practitioners without any experience in or understanding of trauma. Please at least see a Psychologist (PhD level practitioner) with a psychodynamic approach (as opposed to CBT) before you completely give up on therapy. What I'm trying to say is that CBT isn't the only type of therapy (although it would seem like it these days) and that there are other options.

CBT as far as I can see is someone trying to convince me that thought processes I've had for 25+ years are fundermentally wrong, and to somehow magically change those with words.

1. If you see a psychodynamic oriented psychologist they will likely tell you that there is nothing "fundamentally wrong" about your thought processes. In fact, your thought processes have enabled you to survive...but now that the trauma is over (assuming it actually is) it is time to move on and form more appropriate ones (more appropriate for your current situation).

2. Not even a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT practitioner) would expect for you to be able to "change those with words". Change comes from action and takes practice.

Hope that this opens up some doors or windows for you...

 

[missmary]

I have been told by my medical team that therapy is super important for me with PTSD, as I have randomly uncovered traumatic memories- and cannot process them properly with out it. All it will do is retraumatize me. Therapy is more guidance than anything. There's something to be said about having an ubiased 'witness' to your trauma and struggles with it. To have a person who's heard and seen it all, walk you through it is truly unbelievable help.

 

[Dan42]

Thanks for the support everyone. You're probably right, and I need to give therapy another go. I'm very stubborn, and tend to think I'm right all the time, tend not to trust other peoples opinions on face value unless I see real evidence of truth.

However, I always like to know something about a subject before consulting an expert, so I bought a copy of this book: "Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorders (Adults)", I'll read through and see if I can work out if it applies to my situation or not.