Undiagnosed Trauma As A Young Child, Finally Realised What's Wrong With Me

[Ruckster]

Dan, I certainly do sense your stubbornness! You say you are highly intelligent and you like to read. May I suggest a book my therapist suggested for me. It is called "The Gifted Adult" by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, PhD. It, of course, does not have all the answers, but it may give you some insight to your stubbornness.

Self-diagnosis. Wow. Did you run all the medical lab tests? There are a ton of biological systems in the body that can go the tiniest bit askew and mess with the emotions. I am a pharmacist. I dispense pills all day long and yet I don't have any faith that they will be helpful for my particular case of PTSD. Every case is different, if that is even the condition you have, and it sounds like you are guessing, and each person needs to figure out for themselves which form of therapy is most likely to be beneficial.

Don't eliminate medical causes for mental problems. Thyroid gland, pituitary, parathyroid, liver, pancreas, kidney, blood lipid levels, can all screw with the emotions and mindset. That's in addition to the level of serotonin and norepinephrine and dopamine that the SSRI's aim at fixing. It sounds like you had a doctor friend just write you rx for a few SSRI's to try out on your own. Upset stomach and feeling too ill to take them are common problems that could have been addressed with a pharmacist or by the doctor. Also, those meds don't work in 20 minutes like an Aspirin.

Suppose, Sir, that you had diabetes. You could indeed get a home glucose monitor and pretty much diagnose that on your own. You could buy a paperback diabetic cookbook and you could increase your exercise level. You may even find a friend with a medical license to write you a script for Metformin. You may actually be able to make your diabetic symptoms be manageable for a time. But who is watching your renal function and who is checking to make sure you aren't getting diabetic retinopathy?

Ok, I have let you push my buttons. I really do apologize if what I say offends you. That is totally not my goal. The goal, Dan, is to encourage you to keep an open mind and admit that no one is an expert on all subjects.... not even you. (And certainly not I). Problem solving skills are what people need and being able to see the problem from across the room is the skill and talent that a trained and experienced psychologist could offer you.

Wishing you the best on your journey and hoping you don't insist on traveling alone.

 

[circe47]

Hello Dan...
Just want to lend some support. I too suffer from C-PTSD due to a long history of interpersonal violence. While I HAVE obtained an official diagnosis for the PTSD, major depression and agoraphobia, I agree it doesn't take a genius to figure out what is wrong with us- as long as all physical and labs come back positive.

When you get physically and emotionally knocked around all your life, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that when you are chronically depressed, have trust issues, want to avoid certain types of people and places, have insomnia, self-medicate, jump out of your skin at the drop of a hat....PTSD is most likely the problem.

Long before I began therapy, I KNEW what was wrong- the doctor only confirmed it. As for it being unwise to see a therapist, that may be true- to an extent. Your health, physical and mental, is a TEAM effort between you and your doctor, and you have every right to make suggestions and/or ask questions of him/her as well.

Hope this helps....

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

These might help you, Dan as it sounds like you enjoy reading...


[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/understanding-ptsd-by-anthony-parsons.13878/#post-174285[/DLMURL]

Take care.

 

[Dan42]

When you get physically and emotionally knocked around all your life, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that when you are chronically depressed, have trust issues, want to avoid certain types of people and places, have insomnia, self-medicate, jump out of your skin at the drop of a hat....PTSD is most likely the problem.

Spot on. I've always (from as long as I can remember as a child, up to now) had an extremely pronounced "Startle response". Even when I'm in a "safe place", e.g. my own home. If anyone touches me on the shoulder before I know they are there, I can literally jump out of my chair.

Similarly, I often have frights as I'm falling asleep where a distant crack/loud noise will make me jump, and for a split second I see a kaleidoscope pattern in my field of view, almost exactly like the pulsing optical illusions (Google image search for "optical illusions pulsing").

Recurring nightmares are prevented my smoking cannabis, getting to sleep in the first place done with alcohol or sometimes diazepam (not often at all).

 

[Dan42]

It sounds like you had a doctor friend just write you rx for a few SSRI's to try out on your own. Upset stomach and feeling too ill to take them are common problems that could have been addressed with a pharmacist or by the doctor. Also, those meds don't work in 20 minutes like an Aspirin.

Incorrect. I did not simply ask a friendly doctor to write me prescriptions. I visited my GP and knew what I had to say to get SSRIs from him, as they were giving them out like sweets at the time to lots of "depressed" students (I was about 19). I tried a course of Paroxetine (Seroxat) for a month at least, and this made me lethargic, lacking any sexual desire at all (sex drive was already low), i.e. no good. I eventually tried a course of Sertraline (Lustral), starting at a low dose for 2 weeks which did nothing, then upped the dose gradually for 2 weeks, until it was working. However, Lustral had some bad side effects on me, made me extremely nauseous, especially in the morning. Sometimes I would actually pass out, once I passed out and threw up, nearly suffocated, so had to stop taking that.

A good while after stopping the SSRIs, I tried MAOI's (St Johns Wart) for a month or so, which seemed not to have much effect at all.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Dan,

I have to ask, and I am a straight shooter, are you a junkie?

I visited my GP and knew what I had to say to get SSRIs from him

The people who have responded to your posts have all been touched by PTSD. They have sought a diagnosis from a medical professional and have been willing to try anything to get well, including T such as CBT. However, you seem to be focused on getting drugs. Best if you go to AA aswell.

If you seriously believe you have PTSD, then get a referral to see a Psychiatrist. Not a GP and not a councillor - a Psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are the most qualified to diagnose and will recommend an appropriate psychologist to compliment their treatment.

By your account, being intelligent and reading means you can diagnose mental health. So, I am going to tell you as an intelligent, compulsive reader, an astute student, and a patient, that you don't have PTSD. The only way you can prove me wrong is to see a Psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis.

It is time to take responsibility and commit to getting well. Intelligent people do the work and get the help they need.

 

[Dan42]

Hi Dan,

I have to ask, and I am a straight shooter, are you a junkie?

Junkie? I'm a alcoholic and addicted to tobacco and smoke cannabis every day so I can sleep and manage the anxiety.

The people who have responded to your posts have all been touched by PTSD. They have sought a diagnosis from a medical professional and have been willing to try anything to get well, including T such as CBT. However, you seem to be focused on getting drugs. Best if you go to AA aswell.

No, I'm saying I don't want to try SSRI's again, as I had such a bad reaction them when I tried them when I was 19. The Alcohol runs in the family, and is a very normal coping mechanism, most people I know get drunk. Cannabis, well, also runs in the family, and without it I have pannic attacks, night frights, recurring nightmares etc.... so it's keeping me sane. I could get the same from Diazepam, but then I'de be addicted to another drug.

If you seriously believe you have PTSD, then get a referral to see a Psychiatrist. Not a GP and not a councillor - a Psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are the most qualified to diagnose and will recommend an appropriate psychologist to compliment their treatment.

CPTSD just fits my past and current behaviors, given the experiences/traumas I've experienced through my life. I've realised that I did have several mental breakdowns between the age of 7 and 16, and that the experiences I had were not normal. I.e. CPTSD offers some justification and makes me realise I was badly treated and validates my strange behavior. At one point I thought I was an alien or some special super-human or something, which were only delusions to try to explain how I felt.

By your account, being intelligent and reading means you can diagnose mental health. So, I am going to tell you as an intelligent, compulsive reader, an astute student, and a patient, that you don't have PTSD. The only way you can prove me wrong is to see a Psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis.

I realise that the "PTSD" or "CPTSD" label can only be given to me by a qualified psychotherapist, but I read countless of accounts of other CPTSD sufferers and my experience is so similar, that either I have a form of PTSD, or something very similar.

It is time to take responsibility and commit to getting well. Intelligent people do the work and get the help they need.

Given my current self-image, I'm not sure if I have the energy or will or desire to help myself out of this. A large part of me doesn't even believe it's possible to fix. If anything I just want an explanation, justification for why I'm so different from most "normal" people. CPTSD seems to do that, so at least I can have some peace of mind.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Dan, please re-read your posts. There are many statements where you admit that you are a substance abuser and an alcoholic. And, where you state behaviours that are that of addict. Pot heads are pot junkies, those addicted to mind altering substances.

As an avid reader you will know the complications and side affects of substance abuse, and the propensity for paranoia, depression, and in the worst cases psychosis with long term and regular use. Substance abuse has a chapter of its own in text books.

Also, there are also many anxiety disorder diagnosis in the anxiety umbrella. GAD is Anxiety Disorder where trauma symptomatology does not exist...a Psychologist can diagnoses the difference. You should also know that CPTSD is co-morbidity based. So PTSD and what? there are many categories to choose a co-morbidity diagnosis.

PTSD is a seriously debilitating illness, caused by a SERIOUS threat to life and living of the sufferer. It is these traumatic experiences that render the sufferer unable to cope and represent the primary symptomatology of the illness. The trauma needs to be present for there to be PTSD. Without trauma there is no T in PTSD.

Take for example me, I am a torture survivor and I have lost count of the number of times and ways in which my purps have tried to take my life, with both physical and psychological abuse. I could list them for you but it will scare the crap out of you.

Given my current self-image, I'm not sure if I have the energy or will or desire to help myself out of this. A large part of me doesn't even believe it's possible to fix. If anything I just want an explanation, justification for why I'm so different from most "normal" people.

Flush the pot down the toilet, and tip the alcohol down the drain, cut off those that encourage you to destroy your mind (intelligence) and body with this rubbish. Get yourself to AA, and good support networks around you. Get a referral to a Psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and treatment.

From one intelligent person to another, you may not care about getting well, but I am here giving you a right kick up the bum because I believe you owe it to yourself to be well. And, I sincerely hope you do not have PTSD!

 

[BloomInWinter]

CBT doesn't do anything physical, you can't change the way you feel about things, "shit happens", then you feel something because of it.

If I am to improve my condition it must be a personal exercise, I have to help myself, nobody else can.

Welcome to the forum.

Dan, if you truly believed you were a lost cause, you probably wouldn't be posting here. There is something inside you that wants to get better or you wouldn't keep trying.

If your best efforts have brought you to where you are in life, perhaps you might consider at least trying to being open to possible therapies.

I felt (and I'm pretty sure I said on here somewhere) all the same things. But after 2 years of CBT, my life feels much better and I'm much healthier. I have a long way to go but it had to begin with willingness.

You're on the right track. Keep reading, writing, and especially speaking kindly to yourself. :>

 

[Dan42]

Thanks everyone. I talked to a good friend who's a psychologist, and he conviced me to talk to my mother again about all this. After all, she's the only one left who was there when I was young, so she's the only person who can shed any light on these fuzzy traumatic memories I have. Also, he knows me well, and said in his experience it would be difficult if not impossible to find a psychologist good enough to deal with me, as I am such a complicated person, i.e. stubborn genius (his words not mine).

Thanks for the tips about substance abuse, but really, I think people need to get away from the stigma that alcohol and weed have. They are not ideal, but were/are a necessary crutch/coping mechanism for me.
Believe me, I know, nobody else has lived, or probably would have lived though what I have. Intelligence is a curse, especially when one has such an active imagination, dreams so vividly.

I feel that people think of physical abuse as worse than psycological abuse, but they are wrong. This is not a competition, we are all survivors....

Good luck everyone, keep an open mind though, and don't believe the hype so much.....

 

[BloomInWinter]

Any psychologist who would say that is either unethical or incompetent. Or you misunderstood him.

If alcohol and pot are so good, why are you here?

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I've never seen the 'marijuana maintainance' plan you advocate work for anyone in the long term, same with alcohol...excerpt to steal years of real living from a life. It's a 'get by' strategy that does bring short term relief, I know.

The 'I'm too unique...broken...smart..for therapy' is a good mental defense for not being up to confronting your own demons. But I would like to respectfully point out that your comments about being too...whatever... for therapy is an insult to all of us who have the courage and willingness to actually follow through and face ourselves.

I also find your comments equating sobriety and being clean patronizing. Do these comments really work for you in real life?

Whatever your journey, I wish you joy and healing.

 

[Dan42]

My friend the psycologist has been trying to get me to stop drinking and smoking so much pot for years. It's my stubbarness which is telling me it's a valid coping mechanism.

I agree, if I don't stop it will kill me way before my time, but part of me perversely wants that. I've always fantasized about killing myself, but have some kind of complex about it due to my natural father's suicide, he was also a "substance abuser", much worse than me, but similar.

Anyways, reading this CPTSD book now, and it's letting me make more sense of my own situation already.

Thanks again.