Childhood Trauma, Therapy And Fear

[Scandinavgirl]

Hey

I am new here, been reading a little while though (I hope my English is understandable, English is not my first language).

I have some thoughts I need to get out here and maybe get some feedback on. A few months ago I started therapy - I went to a rough period in life and began grieving about my childhood.

My therapist is great. He showed me the empathy I needed and made me stop downplaying what happened to me (I was saying things like, it was not that bad, there was no marks etc.). I went through emotional abuse from both my parents and also physical abuse from my mother. My mother has some narcissistic traits also; extremely rage, manipulating, extremely preoccupied with facade etc. On the surface, we where a "good, christian family".

The first 2 - 3 months after I began therapy was tough - my grief was also physical (like a big knot in the stomach). I was extremely confused, afraid to "loose myself". Luckily I was not working at that point, because I don`t think I would be able to maintain a job.

Then I slowly started to get better and in some ways my life is better than ever now - I know my self better than ever, I know my own needs and feelings better than ever. My energy level has gone up. I still have some difficulties though:

A couple of sessions ago I noticed that during sessions, I began to "disapear" /"blank out" a minute or maybe just a few seconds. My therapist did not say anything, but as I came out of it, I noticed that he stared at me. After the first session this happened, I suddenly started to fear I was becoming too dependent of my therapist and needed to outdistance myself a bit from everything in therapy. It was a confusing phase, and at one point, just for a minute or maybe two, I was doubting that any of it was real. I had to go check my email to make sure that I actually had been seeing my therapist. It was so scary - like I was doubting my own reality. I read about dissociation and realized, that this was probably it?

At this point I also began to fear therapy and I still do. But I dont know why. Still, I have some thoughts:

I`ve been ( a while now and also earlier in life) afraid that I may have been sexually abused in childhood. Since I started therapy the feeling has becomed more and more intense. I get these new "bodily sensations" when I think about it. I react in a different way when someone touches me. Sex with my boyfriend can sometimes be difficult because i "get afraid" or feel anxious and it feels overwhelming. The last time in therapy, I got a picture in my head, a glimpse of someone lying down with her legs spread. The picture does not meen anything to me, though.
I am afraid that dicplaced memories are coming back to me. I dont know If I should stop therapy for a while, but at the same time, I feel the need for those sessions. Now I am starting to get better and I dont want to ruin it. I just started a new job and I need my energy. The last few days I just needed to be close to my family, feeling needy - it feels like someone needs to hold me now. I am so afraid things I maybe dont want to remember gets out there.

Any thoughts? I would be grateful.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I wouldn't worry too much about you English you seen very fluent, if there's anything we don't understand don't worry we'll ask.

When you say you blanked out were you triggered? Was something your therapist saying or something you were thinking upsetting? Yes you're right it could be dissociation. Can you give a better discription of how you felt, what you were experiencing at the time? Don't worry if you can't.

A therapist once said to me memory's sometimes come back to us when we are better able to cope with them. Maybe now you're in a better place mentally you can and need to work through some more thing. This is just a thought I could be totally way off.

Have you talked to your T about how you feel overly reliant on him (or maybe more therapy in general)? I don't know you and your therapists relationship but he does. And honestly if he's a good therapist like you said he would be the one to notice and distance himself from you or refer you if it was needed.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

Thank you for your reply!

About the time I blanked out: Don't remember what we talked about right before, but I don't think we talked that much about my childhood that session..I can't remember blanking out, but just coming out of it. I didn't think of anything as I took a time out, I just disappeared I think.

During the last session I told him that I had feared becoming to dependent of therapy. He told me it was good that I took myself seriously and that sometimes we just needed therapy for a short period in life and sometimes we needed a break. But its not like I have been coming a lot to therapy. Mostly just once a month, sometimes two. And I never call him or write him but anything else than scheduling. So I guess it is more the feeling of neediness I am afraid of. I have not talked to him about my other fears, though. Seems bit to abstract I guess

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I thought too that it was more a fear of relying on someone else or as you said being too "needy". After having a traumatic childhood it's normal to be some issues with attachment.

Is your T a trauma therapist? If not maybe it's time to think about some trauma therapy. I feel rather hypocritical suggesting this as I'm not in any therapy at the moment so what the heck would I know.

 

[scout86]

I suddenly started to fear I was becoming too dependent of my therapist

This is pretty common, I think. Most of the people who worry about it are the kind of people who are not actually likely to get too dependent on anyone, it seems. They are the kind of people who have trouble trusting and depending on others instead.

afraid that I may have been sexually abused in childhood.

I may not be able to express this in a way that makes sense. (sorry!) You either were or you weren't. Which ever is true, it's over and knowing the truth won't change it. All knowing the truth does is makes you more able to deal with the effects it might have now. What ever happened in your childhood, you've already survived it.

I dont know If I should stop therapy for a while, but at the same time, I feel the need for those sessions.

These feelings are pretty common too. I've been seeing my T for a couple of years, really like him, kind of trust him, don't really want to quit, but often dread going as well. I think this is maybe just part of the process.

It would probably help if you could discuss these feelings with your therapist. (That's his job! He can't do it if you don't tell him what's going on.)

Welcome to the forum! (And, you English is excellent!)

 

[Scandinavgirl]

Yes I guess its pretty common feeling too dependent, and maybe a sign I should stick with it. I dont know.

He is not a trauma therapist, but He is the one I trust and I cant imagine seeing someone else at this point. I think its him or nothing. Sometimes I get afraid he does not want me there, though. Maybe he thinks I should quit or take a break..

 

[Scandinavgirl]

This is pretty common, I think. Most of the people who worry about it are the kind of people who are not...

Thank you for your answer. I guess you are rigth about these feelings being pretty common. About the abuse, I think you are rigth and if it did happen, I guess I strong enough to handle it if I start to remember. Still afraid I wont be though.

And thank you for your welcoming!

 

[scout86]

Maybe he thinks I should quit or take a break..

I've thought the same thing. I finally asked him. I was surprised to learn that he considered me his :"client least likely to be fired as a client". (I'm not sure that's a "good" thing. LOL)

I find it hard to ask things like that, but it's always (in therapy) been helpful and had a good outcome when I have. Good luck!

 

[Chava]

I could comment on so many parts of what you say, because I relate: physically abusive and extremely manipulative mother (also usually no marks, though a few welts that disappeared over a few hours...consistently cold, distant on good days and raging and terrorizing on her bad days...I disappeared), dissociation, feeling unreal in regards to therapy, hints of sexual abuse, etc).

All I can say is do not quit therapy. For me, this is part of the process. I have a lot of issues with people feeling real. As I get close, I realize how either I become unreal, or the other person does. I've gone through periods of e-mailing my therapist up to three times a day. In hindsight I think it's because I didn't feel real to her, or even to myself, and I kept checking to assure the relationship was real.

I've wanted to quit therapy several times, but in my heart I know my therapist is a good fit for working with me. She understands trauma and she is very gentle and patient. I quit once and even shipped a teddy bear I was borrowing back to her. Then I un-quit and took the teddy bear back at the next session. It's become so "okay" that I don't have to feel ashamed of this behavior. It's all part of my trauma and trauma-healing process. Wanting to quit is normal. If you want to quit because your therapist sucks or is incompetent, that is one thing. If you want to quit because of feelings of disconnection or reality, I'd urge you to stick with it...because that in itself is part of the recovery.

I hope that makes sense. Your English is very good, by the way. I, however, tend to ramble on and on. :)

Welcome!!

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I could comment on so many parts of what you say, because I relate: physically abusive and extremely manip...

Thank you for your reply. Good to know I am not the only One with these feelings and thoughts. I guess I should stick with therapy even though I am scared. Interresting to read about your experiences.

 

[Chava]

I guess I should stick with therapy even though I am scared.

Absolutely. If you don't feel somewhat scared or vulnerable in regards to starting out therapy, I'd wonder if you weren't just too detached or numb. Being scared is totally okay...and moving beyond it, gradually, is part of the process. Having a positive connection with anyone, therapist included, is so scary for me. But the only way around it, aside from sticking it out, is retreating into my shell and complete isolation (and that's become too scary too because I've been dying in there).