General Trauma Work & Skills You Learn - Sufferers, Please Respond

[MandyLou]

Pushing away and closing off would be stopping to communicate with your loved one altogether (while you maintain all other relationships) because you perceive yourself as f*cked up so instead of trying to open up to them, reach out to them explaining that you are not accessible… you shut them down completely with no explanation because you know that being vulnerable before them in any way would make you feel things, you then would perceive yourself as weak, so you just choose to walk away like nothing happened… you continue the cycle of not being vulnerable in anyway and therefore unable to maintain a close relationship because deep down you know the inherent needs of relationship scare you to death. You’ve spent your life being the cold, impenetrable wall… rather than admitting that to yourself and communicating something to your loved one you just close off and shut down with absolutely no explanation because you know that the “you” you’ve got to face is not something you’d like to deal with.

 

[joeylittle]

OK - and what would it look like in a healthy incarnation - is there one?

 

[MandyLou]

@joeylittle - I think my previous post made it obvious what I meant, but here it is...

Healthy way to communicate would be… at least telling them something… anything to let them know that you’re not able to be there for them in a relationship and explain you’ll need some time to yourself. When you just shut down, completely cut off all the communication with your loved then they will surely feel dumped and heart-broken left with no answers whatsoever. Cruel thing to do to anybody… no matter what you’re going through.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Im confused @MandyLou... Are you expecting "normal" relationship behaviors from a PTSD sufferer?

 

[scout86]

I've got to say, when I'm avoiding people (not currently in a "relationship") it NEVER occurs to me that they'd miss me. How could they possibly miss ME? Totally serious when I say that. The only thing I can imagine that they'd feel is relief that they don't have to deal with me.

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! @MandyLou - you simply refuse to hear what people are telling you. You are expecting perfection from a deeply damaged human being.

any person with any kind of healthy empathy would not minimize someone else's experience because it doesn't posses the same personal value to them.

Its not about "personal value". Its about life experience. For example, if my daughter complains that she is hungry, my vet looks at her in amazement and says "But you ate this morning!". He once spent 9 days without food because the weather turned and the supply chopper could not get in. On day three he came across a dead pigeon. It had been dead a little while and he decided he wasn't hungry enough to eat that. On day 7 he went back, found the by now maggot infested pigeon and ate it. Do you honestly expect him to show great empathy to a person who ate a full breakfast five hours earlier?

Cruel thing to do to anybody… no matter what you’re going through.

You need not to be in a relationship with anyone suffering from anything more than an ingrown toenail because you cannot acknowledge their suffering may impact on their ability to participate in the relationship.

That's it - I've said my piece - I'm out of this thread.

 

[joeylittle]

I think my previous post made it obvious what I meant, but here it is...

Well, yes and no- that's why I asked. Your post #85, where you describe what 'pushing away' is, is really over-the-top with frustration, anger, resentment, and judgement. So honestly, I wasn't sure if you'd say that the opposite of it was to be a saint, or whether there was an opposite with distinct features.

Healthy way to communicate would be… at least telling them something… anything to let them know that you’re not able to be there for them in a relationship and explain you’ll need some time to yourself.

This makes sense.

I think, what I want to ask you is, do you think this would have worked - if this is what your ex did with you, instead of doing post #85, he said "I need to take some time to myself. I can't tell you why, really, but I can't be here for you right now." - and then still spent time with other people (not you) - do you think you would have accepted that?

I'm not trying to trap you. I am asking you to examine what's really going on, here. You feel really, really shitty about how things went down with him. And that's a normal, human way to feel. Anytime a relationship crumbles, for any reason, it sucks, it's hard, and there are feelings to work out, process, vent...all these things are true.

I'm just not sure that there would have been any version of 'I need some space' that would have ended up working for you and him. I don't think it's totally on him, either. But most importantly - trying to solve his actions through a lens of PTSD-type-avoidance isn't going to get you anywhere. Because this piece of psychology:

you continue the cycle of not being vulnerable in anyway and therefore unable to maintain a close relationship because deep down you know the inherent needs of relationship scare you to death. You’ve spent your life being the cold, impenetrable wall… rather than admitting that to yourself and communicating something to your loved one you just close off and shut down with absolutely no explanation because you know that the “you” you’ve got to face is not something you’d like to deal with.

isn't PTSD, on his part. It's straight-up repressed emotional expression. If you believe the above is how his psyche works, then you should be glad you are out of that situation. Also - you really judge him very harshly, and that tells me that he was probably never really right for you.

 

[MandyLou]

@joeylittle,

In fact, yes, I am glad that I am out of that relationship because it wasn’t PTSD… this person was deeply disturbed and unfortunately I didn’t find that out until it was too late. I did try to explore this situation and be understanding, but I understand that it’s not me… this person is clearly hiding himself under a pretty mask and you don’t know how dangerous that person is until you go close to him and try to look behind the mask. Nope, it wasn’t PTSD. It was definitely in the picture but it is not what it was. This person is very troubled. I feel fortunate to be away from him and I do feel compassion for him because he has absolutely no idea how broken, senseless and dysfunctional he is.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I was recently discussing trauma work in a different thread with @Justmehere and ot...

When I first started trauma therapy, I remember my therapist describing the process like pulling off the layers of an onion. I always thought of this analogy in that you're not only shedding away layers of pain but you are getting to the "core" of the situation (and getting to know yourself again). The reason I say again is because I feel like trauma changed who I was. Yes, I'm still "me" though I've changed after my assault. I'm more reserved, a deeper thinker, more aware / observant, and as much as I never wanted it to take away my childlike playfulness, I feel more serious about life than I used to.

I think emotional healing is often harder in the beginning because you haven't learned how to regulate your emotions. When you are being flooded with memories that are connected to emotional pain, your brain is figuring out how to process these details in order to put them into context. Over time, I learned to give myself permission to feel my emotions. They were pretty intense at times though I learned to feel them while creating some distance to make them more manageable.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@UniqueSunflower i could not have worded any of that better. What a wonderful way to word what happens when traumatized and the process of healing it!

 

[LifeInterrupted]

I would say for me, when I first went to counseling -- it was a trigger for vivid, intense, flashbacks and dissociation. I couldn't handle it so I stopped going. Nothing ever got better and I felt like I was drowning in grief, so I tried again. More often than not, I could not verbally express the images for fear of suffering more so ... I turned to writing and expressive art through images I printed that explained what went on through my head. I put it on a few posterboards ... but to my dismay, I did not have much success with it b/c my therapist could only say "those are disturbing images .... " .... well, yes they were ... but I couldn't stop them and they haunted me every day.

Re: supporters of the suffering ... I agree that giving space is a good thing, but check in once a day to say you care and if you need me I'm here for you is always helpful. And follow through is imperative. Pushing someone going through all the intense emotions of PTSD is never a good thing. It can be just enough to nudge them over into taking it out on you or themselves. It takes a long time to manage and cope with all of those emotions.

I personally have had bad experiences with "clinicians" who don't know how to read into the dissociation and flashbacks I suffered from -- and instead of taking steps to recognize and help me cope, they want to jump the gun and hospitalize me even though that has NEVER helped. This has happened even with people who are "specializing" in a Trauma Program .... unbelievable. Many things have contributed to the delay of my recovery, and that was definitely one of them.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You asked about trauma being worse after therapy. This shouldn't happen. I think you're referring to EMDR, which is intense, but if your therapist is trained in EMDR, your trauma will never feel worse.