Tried To Get Help, But Feel Even Worse Now. Please Help

[scout86]

It sounds like there have been a lot of GOOD things about your therapist. They ARE people, though. It could be that suicide is something she has trouble with. Her not handling the subject well doesn't make her a bad person and it doesn't take anything away from the good that she's done. I'm sure that what you've done so far was "real". You just may have hit a place where she's over her head, you know? That doesn't seem, to me, like a very good reason for YOU to die.

I guess I wouldn't worry about finding a new therapist just this second. I can imagine that it would be hard and a big deal. I wouldn't want to do it either. I'd rather see you decide to change your mind about your plan and take steps to get through this crisis. (Alive!) You can always figure out what to do about the therapist later.

Have you ever had a conversation with this therapist, about suicide, that made sense to you? Where it seemed like she understood where you were coming from and where it seemed like she was able to discuss the subject openly and honestly? Maybe she just can't, at least not at this point in her career. It sounds like she tries to avoid the subject.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I'm also on gabapentin for nerve pain, along with vitamins and amino acids. But the depression, anxiety, and SI are more due to life circumstances rather than a chemical imbalance, I think.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

No, we have never had a conversation about suicide that made sense to me. She's always been very dismissive about it. The thought did cross my mind that maybe it's a difficult topic for her due to personal experience. But even if it was triggering for her, her reaction feels odd to me. It almost felt like she was daring me to do it. Trying to get me to prove her wrong. She probably wasn't, but it was so hurtful that it does have a similar effect. I probably wouldn't be so quick to choose suicide if I wasn't so lonely as it is. I really don't have any friends. There is a handful of mom's with kids the same age that I know, but I just get the feeling they don't like me. A few have been downright mean and hurtful. I guess I ha e difficulty with relationships. Which is another reason why suicide seems logical... I feel flawed, damaged, unlikable, so I will probably always be lonely. I don't know how to change that, and I can't stand the loneliness.

 

[scout86]

However bad things seem right now, life circumstances can change, right?

 

[scout86]

You're right, it's hard to tell what, in your therapist's background might make this hard for her. It's not exactly your job to sort that out, but I think it's good that you're aware that HER issues can affect you. You need to take care of yourself, in spite of what ever her issues might be.

Being lonely is hard and your life experiences might be a lot different that the young moms in your neighborhood. I wonder if there's any kind of PTSD support group in your area? It seems like feeling "flawed, damaged, and unlikeable" is part of the package that IS PTSD. I've read a number of posts on here from people who have been in the healing process longer and they all seem to get feeling better over time. There are still ups and downs, but things tend to get better.

Really ALL human beings are in some ways "flawed, damaged, and (occasionally) unlikable" when you think about it, aren't they?

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I suppose circumstances can change. But I've always felt like the single exception, the one person on this planet with no redeeming qualities or worth. I know, I know, by that rationale I should buy a lottery ticket. It just feels so deep and permanent. I have worked so hard to better myself and process the trauma... I've adopted the mindset of trying to help others, and if you can't help then at least don't hurt them. I'm still in pain. I know I'm not the only one with problems, I don't mean to sound self righteous. But I can't help thinking the world would be better off without my neediness. I'm trying hard to see around it, but I just can't yet.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

Have you (or has anybody else) found ptsd support groups helpful?

I picture meetings being kind of depressing and triggering, but I've never been to one.

 

[scout86]

"Yet" is a good word!

I live in kind of a rural area and I don't know that there are any support groups around here. I've found this forum to be VERY useful and it's kind of a support group. I have a friend who's a Vietnam vet & he belongs to a support group through the VA and seems to find it real worthwhile. I suppose the tone of the group is going to vary, but I think there's at least a chance that you'd find people who understand what you're going through, close enough to home so you can get to know them and have someone to go get a cup of coffee with now and then, or something.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I've been rereading all of the responses here and just want to send out a huge thank you to everyone who has chimed in. It helps to know there are people who care and will take the time to offer support to a stranger who is suffering. Thanks for your kindness and advice.

 

[Mayday]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Would you be able to email or write a letter to your T to say that you've bought what you need for your suicide plan, and if she isnt able to help, can she refer you to someone who can deal with suicidal thinking. That way you havr something in writing so she can't ignore or dismiss that.

I recognise a lot of your thinking and I have also felt those things. CBT helped me see that a lot of my thinking was flawed and distorted.

It sounds to me like you very much want help to get through this. Ringing a suicide helpline could put you in touch with places locally that might help.

 

[Pencil]

honestly believe by girls would be better off without me.

A few months ago I was seriously suicidal - and this is unusual for me. At the time I was convinced that my daughter would have a better life with her godparents. I kept thinking of Dorothy Parker's words: "It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes". I thought that those words were applicable to both me and my daughter - that the mess of my life was killing me. But I also thought that the 'tragedy' of my death would not harm her, especially with loving godparents to help her process it, whereas the mess of my life was slowly destroying her.

I'm not in therapy, but I had been in sporadic email contact with a therapist I saw for 8 sessions at the beginning of 2013. While I was planning everything (I had already arranged for my daughter to 'visit' her godparents), the therapist sent me a 'how are you doing' email, and I told her what was going on. She phoned me, (the first time in a year) and said two important things: 1) the belief that loved ones would be better off without us is a common fallacy in suicidal thinking, 2) that my painless, foolproof plan was not foolproof and would not be painless (she explained in detail why it would indeed be painful) - not for me to fine-tune it, but for me to catch a wake up and reconsider - and it worked. She then phoned me every day for a few days, and as I got to my senses, she tapered the calls off.

The point I'm trying to make is this:

Your children won't be better off without you. Your thinking around that is symptomatic of suicidal thinking, so PLEASE don't see it as a rational, reasonable or valid thought. See it in the same light as sneezing - which is symptomatic of a cold.

Your therapist is awful.

I really understand that desperate feeling of needing someone and having no-one to turn to. Going out for a social chit chat is the worst thing you can do right now.

Listen to @Solara - you need an intervention. You need to be with someone right now who knows how to deal with this.

What can you do to get the help you need right now?

 

[Pencil]

Apologies, correction: I went back and read your posts more carefully. I don't think your therapist is awful, I think her reaction to you in your session/s was awful. It doesn't mean that you've come to the end of the road with her, but she does have to wake up a bit. This is a case of misattunement, and she needs to work on that.

But for the situation you are in now I think you really, really need an intervention - but your therapist doesn't seem able to provide that right now. Still, you can contact her and force her to pay attention to how serious and bad this is for you, and she has an obligation to act and get you the help you need.