Relationship Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

[Veevivianvee]

Do you have friends or family you can call or just go hang out with? Sitting around letting your anxiety r...

no friends .... surrounded by family, but right now it doesn't seem to be helping. i keep reappearing in the living room just so im not in my room losing it..im not sure why they keep asking about him, when everyday i tell them I can't afford to keep talking about it because they simply just dont understand and they dont make it easier . always thinking should i stay or should i go ? and my whole family is like well you should leave him.

 

[Veevivianvee]

im slightly confused about something .
is no contact beneficial in a relationship when someone has ptsd ?
or is infrequent contact such as checking in and sending words of encouragement an option ?

 

[Hojay]

It really depends @Veevivianvee. Of course it is an option to check in, but when they’re isolating it’s not uncommon to get just short replies or no reply at all. Then again, checking in can sometimes also be interpreted as crossing their boundaries and/or pressure. All in all, it mostly seems wisest to let them re-emerge on their own terms. I think you need to be very clear about what kind of reaction you would expect from checking in and whether or not you’re crossing your own boundaries chasing after someone who is isolating. It’s really a case by case kind of thing—there are no general rules other than: respect their boundaries and respect your own.

 

[Freida]

This might help..... When I'm isolating the people around me cease to exist. It has nothing to do with how I feel about them. It is about my stress level being so high I have to mentally retreat. Hubby says I'm like a zombie -- there but not responsive. People can send me all the texts in the world but I probably won't see them. One saying "hi hope you are doing ok" is fine, but anything that requires a response can be completely overwhelming. And when i was still working it was even worse --- because I had to respond to those. So that sucked up any response energy I had left.

I can't change this. It's part of how ptsd manifests for me. I've gotten better -- with lots of counseling--and now if I feel it coming I'll tell my supporters "'I'm going dark". That means leave me alone. If I don't see it coming? Then they just need to suck it up. I CANNOT think about them when I'm in that place. I'm to busy trying to keep myself alive.

I think this is the hardest part of isolation for supporters. That you may cease to matter. So YOU need to ask yourself if you can accept this as a fact of life in this relationship. Because if it works for him like it works for me it's not going to change.

 

[Freida]

Oh! And another thing that may make you nuts. Isolation does not apply to my battle buddies. Those are the people that I will talk to while I"m ignoring everyone else because they have a different understanding and a different viewpoint from normal people do. I So while I'm ignoring you I'm texting them. Yep. Just how it works

 

[Veevivianvee]

Oh! And another thing that may make you nuts. Isolation does not apply to my battle buddies. Those ar...

this cracked me up!
but honestly it doesnt bother me anymore. so glad I was able to move past the whole battle buddy situation. i also know that I'm the only one he's shut out and i understand as he finds it stressful. it seems a lot easier this time around, but it's still annoying lol because again for any other person this is a hard pass for me . so im trying my best to work through that thought process. Just not sure if i should contact him...i don't expect a response right away but i do expect one eventually. When i was in a positive mind set he had said that i have no idea how much me being positive is helping him . i was truly happy to hear this as my positive mind set was helping me as well. it was great to know that i was helping him in some way.and i guess thats why i want to send a text with words of encouragement.

@Hojay thank you for your response ! i keep trying to reply to you and i end up with an error . so i hope you will see this!
this isn't funny! but this is my second time being isolated in such a short period of time..but im not going to blame me for it
the only thing i blame myself for is reacting in that moment instead of responding.
so if he's isolating because of that, by all means please do !! as i dont feel responsible for anything else in that moment .
I was positive and having a good time up until that point.
I believe that no matter what happens in this situation If i keep pushing I will come out stronger.
I'm learning so much about ptsd, but most importantly I'm learning about myself !
that's a wonderful achievement for me

 

[OrangeJulius]

Do suffers ever clearly say i want to break up?

Yes. Mine did. But here we are 3 months later...living together as if that conversation never happened.

or can what he said or should what he said be considered the break up?

Hard to say without asking him. I'd say your best bet is to follow his lead. His actions will tell you what his words didn't. Sounds like he's isolating right now. He will reach out to you if he wants to. He has your voicemail that stated your position. I think supportive texts every few days that don't require a response is fine. And it will reaffirm your position that he needs to use the words break up if that's his intention.

If you want, you can read my diary "Now me". Its a pretty raw account of me navigating my boyfriend verbally breaking up with me and never following through with action. I was (and still am) SO CONFUSED. My approach was to continue loving him (emotionally and with my actions) as I always have and I figured he'd either realize he didn't want to give up what he had and that I could handle a fair amount of nonsense that he threw my way, OR seeing me "not get it" would make him feel guilty and get him moving along with getting his own apartment and moving out like he said he would. So here we are 3 months later. Every time I've brought up "wtf was that?" (But nicer) he has been unable to articulate anything other than nodding "yes" when I asked if he felt confused.

Sooooo......I don't know what to tell ya but that was my personal experience.

 

[Veevivianvee]

Yes. Mine did. But here we are 3 months later...living together as if that conversation never happ...

Thank you!

i really appreciated being able to read your journal
lol its so weird but i feel like we're all in the same relationship some things are different but for the majority we're all in the same boat.i never know if i should be sad or thankful knowing there's someone else going through the same .

I'm not sure if he heard my voicemail yet but i did text him today letting him know im not giving up on him and just overall words he might find comforting.
i prefer hearing the words let's break up IF that id thr case but since he hasn't said anything at all ....or yet..but i will take it as a sign we are still together.
its soo hard when no one around me understands and it's really starting to show i have no one in my circle to talk to . because if i hear i wouldn't put up with that and you need to leave him i may flipp out. There's only one person around me who kind of sort of understands and even sometimes he's like i cant defend him :(
i always defend him i have to defend him...the only way i truly know how is by saying this isnt you it's ptsd ...but sometimes idk if its him or not
i wish things could just go back but keep moving forward . i have to stay positive and believe or relationship will be better than before . i just have to look forward to him coming back around while i continue to work on myself. i know for sure now a major key is continuing to always work on myself.

 

[Freida]

I started this thread last year and it ended up with a ton of people (both sufferers and supporters) weighing in on what its like to deal with the isolation aspect of ptsd... It might help give you some ideas on what it's like from both sides.....
What are they thinking?

 

[Veevivianvee]

I started this thread last year and it ended up with a ton of people (both sufferers and supporters) wei...

thank you freida! you truly are a support angel in your own way ! so glad you're on this forum!
I am in the process of reading the thread and it's great. It's crazy how I'm able to and im sure all of us have done this but im able to look back and say omg yeaaah he did that or he didnt do that.
i did research ptsd a little at the beginning of the relationship when he first brought it up but I didn't know what I know now and I wish that wasn't the case. infact i got frustrated because i felt there wasn't enough information !!
Small things like laundry ! babe why haven't you done your laundry? i can do it for you! not understanding why it wasn't done and why i was hit with a hard no . i truly understand now.
I did text him because i just can't abandon him.unless thing's truly get out of hand or he wants me to leave . I feel being a supporter is something I can do. I am choosing to support him! it will be rough but I can do it.

 

[Freida]

Glad it is helping! I loved how many people came on and talked about how they were feeling and why, from both sides of the ptsd world. I learned so much from all of them that I wish I had known when I first started this battle

 

[OrangeJulius]

i have to stay positive and believe or relationship will be better than before

What makes you say it will be better?

If I remember correctly he's in therapy, right? Remember that with therapy its going to get worse (potentially for years) before it gets better. Keep that in mind.

But if you're talking about the mindset change you possibly towards everything....then yes it will get better in that regard.

But the actual relationship will stay the same. Because you understand better and he's in therapy doesn't mean the actual relationship gets better. You will get better at how and when to communicate different things, but he's still gonna get snippy with stupid stuff.

I hope that makes sense.