Tried To Get Help, But Feel Even Worse Now. Please Help

[Deleted member 24738]

I saw my therapist earlier today, and left the appointment feeling even worse than before I went in. I feel so alone and hopeless that I bought the last ingredient I need to carry out my plan to kill myself. It will arrive in a few days. I'm not feeling as scared about using it as I was a few months ago, because the pain is now tipping the scale and it overshadows the fear. I'm kind of numb, waiting to get it over with.

I brought up suicide again today, second session in a row and not the first time in the 4 years I've been seeing my t (so far it's only been occasional mild ideation, no intent that she knew about until earlier this week and I was referring to an episode from a few months ago.) She's always brushed it aside and minimized it, telling me that it's ok to think about suicide occasionally as a sort of comfort measure (ie, to have an escape plan, if it makes me feel better.)

Last session I told her that I came up with a plan over the winter, and I had intent to carry it out but I was missing one thing to do it with. She asked why I didn't get it, "because you knew you wouldn't follow through?" She kept saying "I don't think you'll do it," and trying to change the subject. She asked if I was still having pain from an injury (no) and if I'm still taking the low dose trazadone (yes), and seemed content to move on. I really wanted to discuss it, and process it together before moving on. Maybe talk about why it seemed like a good idea, why I didn't do it before, the positive things in my life that might make me want to live. So I reiterated that I'm feeling hopeless about my marital issues and the possible divorce, that I still have unwanted body memories from my assaults and flashbacks from the suicide I witnessed, that I think my young children would be better off without me and that they'd get over my absence, that I feel burdensome to her and everybody else in my life, and that the SI has been hanging around for months. She suggested hitting the gym and reminding myself that feeling something doesn't make it true. Oh, and she tried to tell me that my daughter's certainly would miss me but I made it clear that I don't agree.

The worst part was when she cut me off while I was still processing something she had said about self worth (I was struggling believing that I have any worth) verifying that I'm set for both of next week's appointments. In other words, time's up so get the eff out. It was only 10-to, you'd think she could have let me finish the thought considering the difficult nature? I was so shocked by her seemingly uncaring and insensitive behavior that I left without saying anything. It was like that appointment got rid of any doubts about my plan, and I went straight to my car to place my order and mentally prepare myself for when it arrives. How can this be the same woman who has been so helpful in the past?

Is there any way I could have misunderstood her today (and the other times we've talked about suicide)? Is minimizing/disbelief a certain technique used with SI? If so, it's a very poor method. I can't help feeling like she doesn't like me anymore, and she's miserable being stuck with me. Either way, the pain of this (I've become pretty attached to her, so it's especially painful) along with everything going on in my life that makes me want to end it is too much. She claims that she's honored to work with me, but that doesn't fit with this recent behavior.

I'm sorry to ramble. I'm so sad. I want to call her and tell her how much she hurt me today, but I don't want to bother her. I want to cancel the rest of my appointments, but it either won't matter because I won't be here for them or I'll be punishing myself if I am still here since I know I'll miss the positive work we did together (and her.) Plus, I don't want her to think I'm being a drama queen. I wish i could just end my life right now, I would if I knew any other sure - fire way. Somebody please help me talk through this...

 

[keifer]

I read you want to see someone else for help. It might not be a bad idea.

Do you have anyone for support who can visit you now or go with and have a coffee somewhere?

 

[greenleaf]

Yes, please do see someone else for help. If that person isn't good, try another -- please keep trying and find a good therapist; this one sounds terrible.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

I don't have anybody. Things with my husband are... awful. The few "friends" I have are all moms of young kids and the type who only leave the house for play dates and grocery shopping. Besides, they wouldn't be able to handle this topic. It feels like nobody can, not even my therapist. I know suicide is crappy, but aren't they supposed to be trained?

How do you get rid of that deep ache in your chest, the emptiness and feeling so alone?

 

[scout86]

I'm not quite sure where to start.......

I hope you misunderstood your therapist, because if you didn't she's nuts. She may be nice and well intentioned, but what you described sounds like an unbelievably stupid way to handle a serious situation. If you DID misunderstand her, the fact remains, SHE is the professional and it was her job to make sure you understood correctly, so she screwed up there, at best. I doubt that the problem is that she doesn't care about you. I think it's more likely that she's just not very good at dealing with suicide. You're right, if that was her idea of a technique, it wasn't a very good one!

Forget that for now. YOU are what's important. Like keifer said, is there someone you can talk to right now?

As far as people being better off without you......I've had 2 friends commit suicide, the most recent a month ago. I'm NOT better off without either of them! I miss them both everyday. I wish I had been in the right place at the right time, with what ever it took to change their minds. I'm convinced that if I'd been a better friend they'd still be around. You won't find anyone here who agrees that suicide is the right choice for you, I don't think. You WILL find people who want you to find a way through this and who understand how hard things can seem.

Why DOES it seem like a good idea? What makes you think your daughters won't miss you? How could it be possible that they could just "get used" to you being dead and move on? People move on, if they have to, but they aren't usually unscarred by something like the suicide of a parent.

I'll be honest, it really matters to me that you live and I'm kind of scared of saying the wrong thing!

 

[scout86]

How do you get rid of that deep ache in your chest, the emptiness and feeling so alone?

It doesn't stay forever, it only seems like it will. It sounds like things are really hard right now, and I can see how you would feel really alone. You're not, exactly, if nothing else, you have the people here. Most places, there is some kind of suicide hot line. Maybe you should give them a call. They might be a good place to start.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that the usefulness of this therapeutic relationship has perhaps come to an end. It happens to most of us in that we get so far in therapy and then it is time for a change to a new therapist, oftentimes one who can introduce us to a new therapeutic style and new skills.

I know its so hard to see any good when you're at such a low. I've been there many times myself. I think you are in a potentially dangerous place as you've ordered what you need to carry out with your plan. This tells me that you need a higher level of care, one which your current therapist cannot provide.

Are you taking any medications other than trazedone? I think that one is prescribed for insomnia as it's not all that effective at helping any other symptoms. I hate telling people "you need meds" because I'm for doing things as medication free as possible. However, when things get this bad, I think that a med change/addition needs to seriously be considered. I have one med that gives me horrible side effects, but when I'm in a free fall, I know it's the only thing that will catch me before I hit rock bottom, so I take it.

Can you call a crisis line? Call your psychiatrist? Go to the emergency room? I strongly urge you to keep on reaching out for help.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

Thank you, Scout86. I appreciate your kind words. But I honestly believe by girls would be better off without me. My husband has even mentioned that they have my "disposition", and that worries him. I see it, too. They have trouble regulating their emotions and cry often. They're 3 and 6, so it scares me that I might be modeling poor behavior for them (little patience when I'm triggered, arguing with my husband in front of them, etc.) Just like he doesn't want me for me, he just wants somebody for sex, they don't want me for me - they just need a mother figure. And there are better ones out there.

 

[greenleaf]

I reread your description of your therapist's behavior; it really doesn't sound professional, but I wonder if she's scared by the thought of your attempting suicide, and went into denial about it somewhat? Not what she should do, but human. She said your daughters would miss you. That is so true, it would affect them terribly for many, many years; not everyone who loses a natural parent ends up with a positive adoptive one.

Plus things can really get better for you, with your daughters -- you can learn together how to work on emotions.

 

[scout86]

They're 3 & 6, I think they want YOU, the mother they know and love. The rest of it you can work on.

Not all marriages work, for lots of reasons. It doesn't have to be because one person or the other is "bad" or "wrong". At a time when your marriage is strained, what your husband says isn't likely to reflect "reality". He has his own agenda and his own point of view.

My therapist, likes to say that we all have our own "map of reality". Different people have different maps. But the map is not "reality", it's a map. We are all struggling, everyday, to find out way, using what maps we have, but we also need to work on updating our maps.

I would kind of guess that, if you go through with this, your daughters will wonder what they did wrong, or where they were lacking, that you didn't love them enough to stick around. Not that you don't love them, it sounds like you very much do, but it's likely that in their "map of reality" your death would seem to them like it was somehow their fault. That's the way kids seem to be.

 

[Deleted member 24738]

The thought of getting a new therapist terrifies me. I had become so attached to this one -- I love her, like a mentor, sister/friend, or a fairy godmother, I don't know how to explain it. She's the only one I've ever told about my traumas, and she was so good about it. She hugs me whenever I ask. She can make me laugh at just the right times. She's perfect for me in so many other ways for me. That's why this is so painful. I was just starting to feel like the old childhood wounds were healing through her, through my being able to love and trust her, but now I question if it was ever really real? What if I open up and trust another therapist and the same thing happens?

 

[Viosinger]

Your children are still SO YOUNG! Their brains are still rapidly evolving, don't worry about anyone's "disposition" at so young an age. I promise. They do need you, so stick around.


You need a new therapist, I believe as well. My first therapist (not about suicide) was awkward about my issues, obviously intimidated. I was glad to start with someone new when she moved. Please find someone new, or try.

Tonight, please call a crisis hotline. Or maybe check into a hospital for now? Hang in there.