Triggered And Feeling Like The Butt Of People's Jokes

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hi there you good people, I just wanted to post on here because very sad and upset right now, I find it hard to cry but feel on the verge of crying, I just went to a twelve step recovery group ( SLAA ), the meetings are normally amazing but I've never felt safe in this one, the people there are angry people, very rough and ready, a bunch of hard nuts...

Anyway I was already feeling in a state of shame and inferiority and paranoia when I went along ( for some reason I felt like a child, small and timid ) - when I got into the room my first thought was " somebody here will laugh at me " and lo and behold they did! It's almost as if I made it happen by the power of my thoughts! When I opened my mouth to share I saw two people laughing, a bitter, angry woman and a man who admittedly laughs a lot at everything anyway...

But they were definitely laughing at me, I still managed to share but I blushed and when I shared I put myself down in a derogatory way, as I was conditioned to do when I was younger growing up, I would laugh at myself with family members who laughed at me - as you can imagine it considerably triggered me

I started to think, do other people get laughed at all the time! I then thought rationally and remembered that since I grew up and my family would mock me and laugh at me and people at school, in fact only four people had laughed at me in recent years out of all the hundreds I've met - two workplace bullies and the people in this meeting tonight

I guess I just wanted to share it and how sad I feel that family members laughed at me for fun as did people at school, I guess to an extent I've recreated events, repetition compulsion...

What makes me happy though is I am in recovery and also I cut off contact with the workplace bullies and I left this meeting early so I'm not tolerating people laughing at me anymore

It just made me feel ashamed, like a freak, that people seem to laugh at me like this, perhaps it's because I don't appear assertive enough, I have had no difficulties attracting people and making friends, a lot of people like me and I guess I should love myself and focus upon these people who really like me, instead of haters who laugh at me

A part of me is just thinking, is there something wrong with me, my own family used to laugh at me before I came into recovery, now they've stopped as I've become successful and more strong, I guess I appeared weak and that's why people made fun, very sad

No wonder I'm sometimes paranoid....

I just wanted to share, thank you for reading X X

 

[Sideways]

The amount of self-cbt'ing that you've just work through is Capital A Amazinng and I'm really sorry that you're feeling down because right now you should be waving your triumphant party hands in the air on your own behalf.

You're absolutely right - you did NOT deserve to be laughed at as a child the way you were. And I can totally understand how that would trigger you now, especially as an adult in an environment that should be supportive. Angry about that for you:mad:

But you know what, it's so powerful that you can recognise that these two @rse's are now the rare exception. The next part of you bringing out the big guns on your healing journey, I reckon, is next time (if there is a next time, hopefully not), politely stating "Please don't laugh, that's not helpful". Whole group will be able to see that not only are you prepared to look out for yourself, but also it'll bring the completely inappropriate behaviour of these 2 to the group's attention in a polite and reasonable way so that the embarrassment shifts to the 2 people that should be shouldering it.

I'm sorry you feel so down about this - hope you can still see how friggin awesome you've done for yourself in the way you've gone away and thought it through though, because it really is quite inspiring:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hello again Ragdoll Circus! It's really good to hear from you again and actually my eyes got moist when I saw your post, I was touched so much by your supportiveness and your kind words
Thanks for really understanding...I did think, do I dare say something and I didn't quite dare to go that far but when my turn came to share again I said no, I didn't want to and I then walked out of the meeting early and I'm sure these two ignoramuses would have guessed why, so in my own way I did a little protest :-)

I appreciate your encouragement, I think I did do well because a year ago I'm sure I would have either cried or I would have folded and shriveled up in my chair and possibly tried to win their approval, placing them above me....so glad I didn't do that!
Yes, it was highly inappropriate and if it ever happens again ( though hopefully not, God willing ) - I will say something, I thought about writing to the group about it actually this week and complaining

No, my therapist was horrified when I shared with her about how my family laughed at me when I was younger, I was the family scapegoat, now the dynamics have changed, we are grown up, we are not living in a household that was like a warzone, I guess in my family it was sink or swim, the others were tougher and could swim and I sank and became victimized
I don't beat myself up for that though, I have years of amnesia and was certainly the most badly abused, my sister and brother sympathised with me about it years later and my mum apologised to me, but tonight just triggered all of that

There's an affirmation though that we say in my trauma group: the pain of remembering cannot be any worse than the pain of not remembering...

I'd rather feel and remember, then I know I'm healing...God Bless X X

 

[Sideways]

No, seriously, it was so inspiring to read your post. I mean, of all the options available to you when they hit on that particular childhood trigger (cry, shrink into the chair, lash out, get up and walk out, freeze and go mute...) you went ahead and spoke to the group anyway. That's huge, like HUGE!

It's 6am here. You got no idea how much it shifts the dynamic for me to kick off the day on a post like that. So absolutely bring out those whoop whoop party hands! And thanks a tonne for sharing:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Does a happy dance :-)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, here it's late evening, I'm glad I could post on here about it, it's comforting, I'll sleep easier tonight

All of those things you listed, the wanting to shrink into the chair, lash out, go mute, were things I once would have done and I'm really glad I didn't

You have a great day! X

 

[EveHarrington]

Not you/all them.

People are just plain weird/rude.

I had a room full of people laugh when I told them about my car accident. The accident that totaled my car and sent me to the ER.

What in the world is funny about that?

Absolutely nothing at all.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you for replying to me Eve, I'm so sorry that happened to you, these people club together in packs sometimes I think
Unbelievable, we've just got to put boundaries up with them I think

Yes it's them, that's what we've got to remember, not us...........X

 

[Changing4Best]

So sorry this happened to you! Yes, focus on the ones who love you and treat you well. I got laughed at, at school too, and it was no fun! I feel for you. Hang in there.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

SheilaKathy, thank you my dear, for your kind words
Yes, focus on the ones who love and treat me well, God is good all the time indeed, thanks X X