Triggered & Struggling

[Movingforward10]

Part of me believes he did it to piss me off enough that I’d reach out with my anger.

That part is lieing to you.
He did it because he is worried. He is a T, not a manipulative person from your past. And he is right to be worried. You sound as though all hope is lost, and you have disengaged, you are emotionally numb, you don't see the point. All that is worrying and he wants to make sure you are safe.

Do you feel able to reach out to him? And explain that you would like him to give you a warning next time? Maybe he also needs an agreement with you, that he needs to hear from you to reassure him you're ok.

I sincerely hope you are able to make contact.
It might also help with this current trigger.

 

[whiteraven]

whiteraven did you go back to work after that? I’m not exactly feeling like that can happen here.

I did not. But my situation was very different. I had made arrangements the day before with my boss after some unpleasantness that I would take the next day off. The director didn't check with her and wanted desperately to get rid of me, so requested the welfare check. I had even left a message on voicemail that morning for both mangers and the director to remind them I was off.

Your situation is different. You He attempted to reach you, and you didn't respond. He apparently was concerned enough that he thought maybe you were in trouble. The welfare check, while upsetting and jarring, was done, not to piss you off, but to make sure you were ok. Also, if you signed anything when you first started therapy, there may be something in it to indicate when he might do something like this.

I'm so triggered by a memory, since he talked about touch that I feel like I’m drowning in it. I tried my best (most maladaptive) coping mechanism but it didn’t help. I tried journaling it, that‘s made it worse.

Best thing to do? Talk to him about it. Not just the trigger, but the feelins you have about the welfare check.

I mean an actual warning like leave a message or text that said he needed to know I was okay or he’d have to send out the cops for a well check.

At some point, we have to take responsibility/accept consequences for our own behavior/actions. If I'm seeing a therapist and going through a really difficult time, it's my responsibility to make sure he knows I'm ok (or not) when he contacts me. Otherwise, I should expect he might do something to verify that.

Just as I’ve never not responded before, he’s never sent the police to my home

And likely because you've never done that before (and maybe because he thought you were not in a good place), he did the welfare check.

 

[Charbella]

At some point, we have to take responsibility/accept consequences for our own behavior/actions. If I'm seeing a therapist and going through a really difficult time, it's my responsibility to make sure he knows I'm ok (or not) when he contacts me. Otherwise, I should expect he might do something to verify that.

News to me. Also it is not in his policies, I just read over everything I signed.

Letting him know I’m not okay could result in heavier consequences so I can’t. See that I get I have to take responsibility for. If I tell him how far down the rabbit hole I am he will be duty bound to do something about it. I do not want that something to happen.

I also did not want to reassure him only to then follow through with it because that doesn’t seem fair. Plus I’m not sure how well I could sell it

 

[Movingforward10]

News to me. Also it is not in his policies, I just read over everything I signed.

Letting him know I’m not okay could result in heavier consequences so I can’t. See that I get I have to take responsibility for. If I tell him how far down the rabbit hole I am he will be duty bound to do something about it. I do not want that something to happen.

I also did not want to reassure him only to then follow through with it because that doesn’t seem fair. Plus I’m not sure how well I could sell it

Yes he is duty bound to do something. Which is what he did. He was duty bound to do what he did, as he knows the situation is unsafe. And he wants you alive. He would be an appalling T if he hadn’t picked up ha
ow bad it is for you right now.

I can see and understand that you don’t want to lie and reassure him, particularly if you feel that isn’t your plan. But....not responding when you are suicidal is going to result in the police coming round.

I am very worried about you.
Do you have a safety plan for yourself?

 

[whiteraven]

Letting him know I’m not okay could result in heavier consequences so I can’t. See that I get I have to take responsibility for. If I tell him how far down the rabbit hole I am he will be duty bound to do something about it. I do not want that something to happen.

I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. I have been there many times, and I know how scary it is to know that if you are open and honest, your T may feel the need to intervene.

I also did not want to reassure him only to then follow through with it because that doesn’t seem fair. Plus I’m not sure how well I could sell it

Lying is never good. Is there any way you can ease yourself into a discussion? When this happened with me, not having anyone I could trust to talk to made everything much worse. But I was able to eventually tell my T bits and pieces. So, instead of "I just want to die," I started with how I was feeling -- sad, depressed, angry, hopeless. That helped start a conversation, and the support actually helped me feel better.

It also gave him the opportunity to offer some very much needed coping skills. It doesn't sound like you have many at the moment (or are unable to access them). If you want to feel better, maybe he can help by giving you some new ideas for dealing with your feelings.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Charbella welcome to you.

I too would consider that a terrible experience, if I didn't see it coming especially. I don't know what I'd think of working together after that.

But, you have entered therapy willingly as one can, so in a way it is important to be honest. Even if just speaking generally.

As you say, you have much in life you hoped for. Now is to get joy back and engage in what you have (and deserve).

I think you can find your way through this. Perhaps something in the middle, a short hosp stay or even vacation with safeguards. Also, sleep if possible.

I wish you relief and comfort. Gentle virtual hug to you.

 

[Charbella]

He was duty bound to do what he did, as he knows the situation is unsafe. And he wants you alive. He would be an appalling T if he hadn’t picked up ha
ow bad it is for you right now.

Actually I question if that’s true. Nothing about our last appointment was that much different than the other ones.
Wants me to live I’ll give you.
He actually doesn’t know how bad it is for me, I’m guessing I’m not the only one on this site who struggles more with letting people see my distress than hiding it. Hiding it is second nature, even when I think someone should know how I’m feeling, the face in the mirror that I thought was showing distress, isn’t. I guess when you’re constantly having to keep a secret it’s easier than one would think.

He’s known I’ve been suicidal but he didn’t see it because if he had than he wouldn’t have tried to convince me of my progress he would have tried to figure out how bad it was.

I can say how bad it is on here because well, you have no power of a 72 hour hold.

I don’t know how I can trust my T after that. Entrust my safety sure but it’s like he closed the door on any discussion of being suicidal.

 

[Rose White]

Only you can know what you’re comfortable with, T-wise, but before you decide to kick him to the curb…

if he had than he wouldn’t have tried to convince me of my progress he would have tried to figure out how bad it was.

This sounds a lot like mind-reading—one of my favorite pastimes! I also isolate a lot and mind-reading seems to be connected to that, as it reinforces the idea of not needing to talk to people.

any discussion of being suicidal.

This is a tricky one, I have found. All T’s are different but I have noticed that my T’s have not been openly welcome of diving into suicidal discussions. My current T has shared that she will call the police if a client attempts to harm themselves or continually threatens during session. So we tread lightly, which is also a message to my system that that topic is a really big deal. Worth talking about, but with care.

That said, it does sound like the welfare check has disrupted your relationship. And only you can decide whether it’s worth trying to secure. From everything you said it’s hard to imagine a T acting any other way, though. For one thing, T’s don’t reach out for nothing, 99% of the time it’s on the client to reach out, so when the T does a check-in it’s usually not something they are doing casually. As stressful as the welfare check was for you, it’s pretty good of your T not to leave you unaccounted for.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry that you're struggling so much at the moment. When people start calling in welfare checks, it means they're switched on to the fact that things are really bad for you. To some extent, your T does understand that you're deep in Depression territory, and they're genuinely concerned.

Ts tend not to screw around the cops (and potentially hospital staff) by using a welfare check to try and elicit some particular response from their patient. Typically, a welfare check is the T deciding "the risks are real, I'm genuinely concerned for this person's safety". So, even though it feels manipulative, it most likely wasn't.

Everything I ever wanted that’s in the realm of possibility has happened and yet I feel no joy, that’s not going to change.

it doesn’t make my life better so what’s the point?

These statements (and some of your others, but the above 2 in particular) are textbook for indicating that you're in a Major Depressive Episode right now. You're suffering anhedonia, and your brain is feeding helplessness/hopelessness as an 'absolute truth'.

Neither of those statements are actually true. Our brains are incredibly persuasive during a depressive episode - but they aren't your truth, they are a symptom of an illness.

Depression is very often something that us folks with PTSD have to deal with as part of the disorder. But every now and again, some of us have depressive episodes where depression becomes our primary mental health issue (and all the ptsd crap we have to deal with every day becomes a secondary issue).

Letting him know I’m not okay could result in heavier consequences so I can’t.

Here's the thing: you can.

Worst case scenario it - you end up on that 72 hour hold. As shit as it is? The worst case of "what happens if I talk this through with T"? It's something that you will survive. It's a major inconvenience, sure. But when it's getting this bad, a major inconvenience is actually not the disaster that it might ordinarily be.

And that's worst case scenario.

Because there are other options. There's really dramatic treatments available for major depressive episodes that can be incredibly effective. Anything from ECT to IOP or TMS.

If you talk this through with your T, bluntly (as in: the welfare check was probably not inappropriate, I'm very suicidal right now, I don't think I'll survive the year) - those options become available.

They're roundly shit options. Some are pretty Meh, but mostly they're shit. But (and I can say this because I've tried the worst options available) they aren't as shit as a Major Depressive Episode. Which is what you're in right now.

Life doesn't need to be this shit. It doesn't need to be this hard. Give your T the opportunity to plan out some intensive treatment for this Depressive Episode so you can get back to enjoying your life.

 

[Friday]

How’s a welfare check supposed to help besides push me closer to the edge?

In an ideal world, they find you before you’re dead, but simply OD’ing, having a heart attack, bleeding out, not yet braindead from o2 starvation, etc.

Cops are required to clear any potentially suicidal person as being unarmed &/or restraining them by force, before paramedics are allowed to enter. “Blue Canaries” can be shot, stabbed, burned, physically assaulted, threatened, etc… with very little fallout… as it’s part of their job description to risk their lives at the hands of others. But medics aren’t actually “allowed” to knowingly risk their own lives (outside of a medical context, like working on someone with plague/HIV/etc.) & are required to have the police clear dangerous situations involving people, or firefighters clear burning or structurally unsound buildings.

Even if a medical emergency is expected AND the ambulance arrives first? (In a potential suicide). They have to wait for the cops to show up & pronounce it safe to enter.

But in reality? They mostly keep your bloated corpse from becoming a public health hazard. Because welfare checks are rarely well timed enough to happen during a suicide attempt, but far too often tend to come days too late.

Someone hasn’t shown up for work, or an appointment, and someone else is worried about them. Too little. Too late.

That you were still alive during the welfare check? Shows that someone was paying attention.

When people start calling in welfare checks, it means they're switched on to the fact that things are really bad for you. To some extent, your T does understand that you're deep in Depression territory, and they're genuinely concerned.

Ts tend not to screw around the cops (and potentially hospital staff) by using a welfare check to try and elicit some particular response from their patient. Typically, a welfare check is the T deciding "the risks are real, I'm genuinely concerned for this person's safety".

Very much, this.

 

[Friday]

WTF apparently it’s not that hard to ask for a welfare check.

Nope. In the US anyone can ask for one at any time, and the police are obligated to respond.

My ex used to attempt to f*ck with us / intimidate us / create a legal paper trail by calling in welfare checks all the durn time.

The first one? Was VERY jarring… although the police themselves were relieved as f*ck to not be responding to yet another dead kid, and even more relieved to be able to talk to him (my son) in private, and seeeeeriously pissed off at being used in domestic violence games (and thereafter called in advance so we’d be prepared, and we usually had omelettes, coffee, and a laugh together… since they ALWAYS came as we were getting ready for school, especially on important days, like field trips, reports, etc. (to either f*ck up our morning & miss the trip, or have police pull my son out of school, embarassing only begins to describe the social suicide.

Most of the welfare checks police get? Are to seeeeriously gross/decaying/horrific bodies. Sometimes infuriatingly fresh bodies. But nearly always? Bodies. Bodies. Bodies.

Someone cares about you. As frustrating / infuriating / and all the everything that is.

If they were f*cking with you? There wouldn’t be missed calls/texts. They would know you were LOVELY, and sending the police to f*ck up your day. Instead of when you suddenly break contact, totally out of character, and are genuinely concerned for your well-being

 

[Charbella]

Worst case scenario it - you end up on that 72 hour hold. As shit as it is? The worst case of "what happens if I talk this through with T"? It's something that you will survive. It's a major inconvenience, sure. But when it's getting this bad, a major inconvenience is actually not the disaster that it might ordinarily be.

OMG that is so much worse than the words on the paper are giving it!

get back to me when you’ve had a 72 hour hold, it was 20 years ago and I still have nightmares. 20 years ago, I attempted, and those were the longest three days of my life, I include the CSA and court proceedings. I include the 2-3 days I spent in an orphanage when my family was ina car accident and my parents were unconscious, I was 6 And had just witnessed my parents pouring blood airlifted away. Worse case scenario only makes me want to do it correctly in the future As to avoid that because it is worse than death. So disaster, I think so.

Im good at worse case scenario, it’s my go to when things are stressful and this particular game is the exact reason I don’t go in and just lay my cards on the table, it’s a gamble with dire consequence. I know one would think death would be in the same category but it has never been.

something I find odd is that the cop said a friend had called worried about me because I wasn’t answering the phone and I’d been depressed. Seems odd he’d say friend instead of therapist. I don’t have any friends that show any signs of knowing anything is going on besides the one I’d left 30 minutes prior. Plus I hadn’t gotten any other calls besides the blocked one which was the cop calling. Do you think the cop was just to inexperienced to know what to say or do you think my T didn’t say it was him or asked to be anonymous?