Triggered

[Crayon]

Hey,

For the past 30 minutes or so I've been preparing a presentation on the difference between autism and antisocial personality (also known as the psychopaths). It's a horrible timing to have PTSD and do a clinical internship at the department of Psychiatry. My last internship at the department of childrens medicine got me triggered so bad I ended up so depressed I almost killed myself. I've just barely recovered from that. But ok, that topic is for another time, another post.

I read up on autism - I'm fine
I read up on psychopaths, I get triggered like crazy. Both my abusers fit the descriptions PERFECTLY. I'm so scared I'm frozen. I can't stand up, my legs won't move, I can barely type because my arms and fingers won't move either. My body feels very heavy like I'm made of stone. I feel like I need to flee and hide myself and get to safety somehow. Feeling sick like I'm going to puke soon. Parts of conversations come flushing back into my mind that fit the descriptions. I see still pictures of things that happened, short movies. I'm dissociating and feel like I'm floating, like everything around me is not real. So, so, so scared at the moment.

Just had to get it off my chest. Maybe it will help. I don't know what else to do >.<

 

[arfie]

Communicating as much of it as I can is always a good first step for me. Letting it float too freely in my mind lets it morph like a dreamscape.

Hope the enunciation helped, crayon. Deep breaths. You are not alone.

 

[I<3GeorgeGlass]

Can you try focusing on things that will ground you - stomp your feet, run your hand over something with texture, eat or drink something and notice taste/texture, suck on ice, smell essential oil, count all of the red/orange/yellow/etc things you can see from where you're sitting.

Are you in a safe place? I find that actively reminding myself that I'm safe can help, too.

 

[Echo]

@Crayon - how awful. The most important thing is are you safe? Are your abusers still in your life or are they at a good distance in time and space? I find wrapping myself (around the top of my arms) in a shawl or pashmina and pulling the ends tight so that I can really feel my edges is very comforting.

Keep talking to us, Crayon if it helps. Keep doing everything to look after yourself. I hope you can make yourself feel very safe and valued.

 

[Crayon]

Yes I'm physically in a safe place, at home, far away from both of them. I even moved a couple of times. I just feel like I'm back there again. Rationally I know it's nonsense but I can't help feeling like they can walk through my door at any moment in time.

Thank you for the grounding things. They helped me a little. I'm going to bed after this post and going to wrap myself in my blanket, I really feel like doing that. I feel a bit better except the fact it feels like I'm breathing through a very narrow straw and my body still is mostly frozen. I took some relaxants which should start working soon.

As much as I'm Triggered, I'm somehow relieved to have found this out. It explains so, so much. Maybe when I calm down I can try to put some of this down on paper to show my therapist and ask her how she thinks about this. I've been wondering about the why and how so, so long...

Thanks for the tips and support guys, you rock.

[Edit: typos due to autocorrect]

 

[Echo]

Yes, these things are a massive shock to start with, but, hopefully, ultimately give you the power of understanding. Sending calming thoughts.

 

[Changing4Best]

It is good you got it out. Memories of psychopaths can do that to you, trauma memories are so debilitating sometimes! I find going for a walk outside, looking at nature, listening to the birds, things like that will help to ground me. Best wishes to you!

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

You just said the "t" word-triggers. Ooooh boy, this is a hot topic for me and a hot topic for my therapist and for my STB ex.

My STB ex is a trigger and he doesn't know it nor will I tell him. Why? Because he has personality issues between us, his son who is a pedophile that he enables and his whole family who are a bunch of...well, I'd rather not call names on here to keep things civil. I hate going home seeing this person I figure "what is going to happen next" as he nitpicks everything I do (i.e., I don't put the lid right on something, pick up that mess, why haven't you paid that bill, etc.) and is one of the most negative people I've ever known. He doesn't understand whatsoever that he uses excuses like "I don't know how to do (whatever craft I'm doing)" or "You don't see me buying stuff for myself" or blah blah blah.

I'm not an overspender; if I had my way, I'd save money and leave him be rather than spend time with him. Although I don't have the money to survive on my own right now, I'm hoping that will change as I had an interview today. I need to get the heck out of my situation before I have a complete breakdown.

Divorce? Yep. Can't wait....

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

for my STB ex

What is STB? I am guessing something like some swear words...

 

[In Exile]

Hang in there. I get triggered and then it takes me a while to calm down.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

STB means Soon to be.....like Soon to be Ex husband...sorry.