Trouble Expressing Wants And Needs?

[Wastinglight]

A question for sufferers - just wondering whether many of you find it difficult to express your wants and/or needs. This is something I've noticed with my bf. He seems to have a lot of difficulty expressing his desires - directly, anyway. He often talks around an issue, or otherwise gives me the impression he wants to do something in particular, but then when I ask him directly "Do you want to do X?", he'll either say "I don't know" or "If you want to". I find it very confusing, because I often don't know how to proceed in such situations.

 

[Anarchy]

It is common, especially in people with backgrounds of childhood abuse or not good enough emotional care. have a quick scroll down this for an intro: Link Removed

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In a word.......YES.

I have a really hard time expressing ANY sort of want or need to anyone, and I know that's why I've become more accustomed to a lifestyle where I am alone. It feels selfish to want/need anything from anyone, and anything but complete independence makes me feel pathetic and weak. And then there is the issue of meeting rejection when I do reach out for certain wants/needs. Its easier to be alone and do everything for myself rather than risk the smackdown.

 

[Kefira]

@Solara. I was going to respond to this thread, but you took the words out of my brain and beat me to it. :P

Seriously though, this is something I struggled with for a really long time. To the point that I go went through the UN declaration of human rights over and over until I mostly believed those things actually applied to me. I'm getting to a point finally where I can sometimes stick to my guns when I'm not getting a basic need met, but to do that I'd had to maintain a list of all the things I should expect of others as far as basic treatment. And then, normally, I have to really force myself to go after that need being met, and do so on the premise that if it was someone else I'd be outraged.
It's really hard for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh, I'd like to add that while independence does have its perks, I realize this is not the way I *want* to be for the rest of my life. I do want to be able to assert my needs in the context of a relationship without feeling selfish. I know this is an area of my life that I need to work on as I would like to be able to find a partner. However, it really does take a lot of time to work through something like this. I'm learning that its imperative for me to take things slow and truly let my trust level build up with someone while I become more confident in who I am so that I can say "hey, I have needs/wants and I deserve to have them met!"

Thanks for a good thread, I've learned a bit myself!

 

[MCT91]

I have found that I, myself have a problem expressing emotions and wants. Like I've been desensitized to myself in a way(does that make sense?) It annoys me. Like I don't really have a preference in my head and I don't really know what I want :/

 

[Nam]

For many of us though, we just can't state it in words. It's not that we don't want to. I find that it's transient. It depends on how symptomatic I am currently. Many times it's just indifference. It's hard to feel anything toward anything when everything is numb.

I just read in a book that relates to what I feel sometimes. When a psychiatrist asked a normal person, "How would you feel if you were in the way of an oncoming truck?" Most would say, scared, or the like. Those of us with PTSD might say, "Just move out of the way." Which really skirts around the question.

For people with childhood abuses, it's as if that part of the brain that allows expression didn't quite form correctly because of not having early, basic needs met. But for combat vets, many times it's because in relation to the action they saw during war pales in comparison to being at home. Those sufferers tend to take risks like driving fast in a car or the like to get any sensation of feeling.

 

[scout86]

I'm just going to say "yes" because everyone else has expressed it so well. I even have a hard time coming up with an answer when my T asks me what I want to talk about? Why should anyone care what I want to talk about?

 

[ms spock]

I find it hard to express needs and wants. I find it hard to say what I like and I don't like. I find it hard to say no.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I have a problem with expressing what I want, if I say I want something I feel bad, selfish and guilty... I don't know how to deal with that.

What I say is often decided ny what the person I'm talking to said, as I don't want to be abandoned :( Uhhh, I'm messed up.

Thus the answer is YES.

 

[scout86]

@otakujome , the one GOOD thing about being "messed up" is that you get to hang out here with the rest of us messed up people. :)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@scout86

Yes, the nicest people seem to be here, much better than ones who I'd have to handle normally. I like this place more than outside world... :)