Trouble Moving On

[Thinkingman85]

I post a lot regarding this issue, but it is something that is stopping me from moving forward with my life. My father passed away from a massive heart attack 10 years ago. He suffered horribly. I saw the aftermath. I don't know how to make peace with this. How can I have a positive outlook on life? I can't imagine the horror that he went through before he passed. It sickens me and make me apathetic toward life. It pounds in my head all the time, "What was he going through when he was dying?". I can't imagine how scary it would have been for him as the heart attack was killing him. I am sure that he was trying to call for help but instead collapsed on his bed. That is the only way I can see it. I've prayed, exercised, eaten healthy, seen a therapist, etc. I don't know how anyone can live a functional life knowing that his father was aware that he was dying of a heart attack and he was helpless. He was aware that he was dying and life did nothing but make him suffer horribly until death. Basically, I can't get over the horror and helplessness he went through. He had such a good life and that one moment makes his life seem like it was insignificant... like the universe just cut him out without a care.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can feel your intense suffering and I feel for you. I have felt like that a few times in my life and it was unbearable, and didn't last - generally because I would eventually self medicate, which I don't under any circumstances advise. That just buried it and put off dealing with it.

Please find another therapist or doctor. The one you saw was not effective. It's not that you don't have a point as to the perception and your feelings of horror of a seemingly cruel or impersonal universe. Undoubtedly terrible things happen to wonderful people. I have seen it many times, as well as wonderful things happening out of "nowhere". But you sound stuck and obsessed insofar as this memory or imagined suffering of your dad has taken over your thinking and has possibly replaced your own separate experience of your life.

Please get help so you don't continue to suffer like this. This is one of those situations I don't feel you can think your way out of.

 

[Jyar]

ThinkingMan85,

I am sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine that loss of one's father. Though unfortunately, I to have felt the bitterness of this kind of loss. My paternal grandfather, someone I looked up to very much so past away suddenly on the floor of his bathroom. In the middle of the night, while his wife (my grandmother) and my uncle lay sleeping just a few feet away in either direction. I received the news about 2 in the morning the following day. I couldn't cry. I tried to summon tears, they just refused to form. To make life harder my paternal aunt past away from colorectal cancer barely six months later. And the same thing no tears simply a more apathetic to tragedy. Like yourself I am seeking consoling, exercising, and trying this forum on for size. I gave up on the whole god thing a long time ago. Where you question the universe, I question what type of god just cuts someone out when they have so much more to offer. Science and the universe give me peace, for in science, for in both physics and astronomy we learn that energy cannot be created nor destroyed only transformed.

Regardless to our different beliefs, I don't know if it is possible to get over those feelings because I myself have not moved past this same thinking either. I guess I am here to say I am here for you ThinkingMan85. I can relate on a level that I wish no one else can. I am open to going back and forth discussing how you feel and try and make some sense of the senseless. I know what it is not to feel anymore, I've live in the darkness, even if I were standing in right front of the sun I would still be in the cold grasp of the darkness. emotionless and apathetic.

 

[Hashi]

ThinkingMan, I'd like to gently challenge you a little when you say you've seen a therapist. I think from your other posts that it was only 12 sessions? I don't think that can possibly be enough, and I think that's why you're stuck.

Some people can get better without therapy. Others of us need good trauma therapy, otherwise we can go round in the same circles year after year. Obviously it's your decision not to have therapy if you don't want to, but I have to say that from my viewpoint it's something you haven't tried yet. I have to be honest and say that I don't understand why you aren't considering giving therapy a fair try, when you're obviously in so much pain. I feel that you're missing out by not giving yourself that chance.

It's not a quick fix. I've been in therapy for a total of about three years now, and it's a tough journey. But it's moving me forward in recovery, and I don't see how I could be doing that without it. I really encourage you to reconsider.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You could be dealing with traumatic grief. It can appear similar to PTSD but is different in a number of ways. Perhaps find a therapist who can treat those with traumatic grief?

 

[Britt.f7]

When I was doing this many months after my mother's death they called it complicated grief. It becomes so easy to become fixated on certain events. My mom had weeks that led up to her death, and various calls I had to make regarding her care that I wish I wasn't responsible for. With one exception, she was awake enough to communicate that she did not want to be resuscitated if her heart gave out. She communicated that, but I had to sign the papers since she was physically unable to. Two days later her heart gave out. I felt extreme guilt. Wondered if she felt it, if she changed her mind during it, did she know it was happening. She was not an old woman, in her early 60's.

We worked most of it out in intense therapy. I still have my moments, but they are easier to cope with. I wish the same for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I appreciate the pain you are in. I just became a widow almost four months ago. My husband died at home with hospice care and I was not prepared for his death.

Have you ever considered EMDR I do not know what the initials stand for. It helped me to heal from very traumatic memories which had haunted me my entire life.

I am no longer haunted by the memories. I will start a grief group tomorrow and I hope being with other people going through their grief will bring me a lot of comfort and healing I wish you well.

Please do get your issues addressed. Find a way to get the help and support you need and do not give up. Healing takes a very long time and you sound haunted by the memories. I wish you well.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sorry about your husband's passing. I haven't tried EMDR. It has been recommended.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am having two good days. I start a grief group where I go to therapy at today. I sure hope it helps. Thank you for what you said about my husband. I am finding that few people can deal with the grief I am going through right now. I am so lucky to have one friend that actually comes over to my house to check up on me to see that I am ok. She listens to me, and she understands and she has not gone through this before.

I really recommend that you check into EMDR. It has been a life changing experience for me. I am no longer haunted by the bad memories, nightmares etc.

Hang in there. You do not know what good lies around the corner for you eventually in time.