Truth Will Set You Free But First It Turns You Inside Out.

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

You are so right, thanks for the insight. This is something totally new for me. The talking about it. To people. Therapy was definitely the first step. I'm really thankful that you acknowledged that for me @The Albatross. Changing and growing has already begun, even if it is slowly.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Wow life can be so stressful. I know we each have our own stressors, and to each our own ability to handle different amounts of stress.

Even after working out, and a nice hot bubble bath (trying to be kind to myself). I am still fighting to maintain normal breathing and to relieve my chest tightness. *currently doing some relaxing breathing*. I only want the anxiety/panic to dissolve for even a moment.

I try, and I try. I suppose I will try again. Breath in, Breath out.

When you get to the end of your rope. Tie a knot and hang on.
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hugs Dragonfly.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I feel myself doing it... I am pushing away. I am disconnecting. I am retreating back into the safeness of my own mind. I'm surprising myself by even writing this on a forum. For what? In hopes that I can stop myself? Even though I feel my head is the only safe place for all of the horrible thoughts and feelings I have, it also feels lonely.

But being lonely... Is better than being hurt...

My husband has been extremely abusive and I don't think I can keep it all together. And even if I can, for how long?

How long can I live this way?

(I know these questions can only be answered by me, I just needed this space to write out my thoughts)

 

[The Albatross]

Is being lonely better than being hurt? I decided differently than you did. But I guess that depends on how you define hurt.

You can live a lifetime if you care to self protecting, but I hope you don't.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sad that your husband is being abusive to you at this time. Do you have the resources to just leave and spend a couple of days in a motel to let your husband cool off and think about his own self for awhile.

If you do not can you stay with a friend or relative. Your husband needs you to fight for you right now and as long as he gets to act out abuse on you, he will never change.

Please do consider these options. I had to do this with my own husband and it was a wake up call for him and he changed. Your husband has to want to change and as long as he gets away with acting like a spoiled brat he has no motivation to change to become the partner you so deserve. Big hugs and prayers.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

You are right, and it made me think... How DO I define being hurt?

And maybe being lonely is actually hurting me more.

I think I choose to be lonely because even when I want to communicate or express myself it's not so much fear of being hurt I suppose, it's more a fear of simply expressing those emotions. which is frustrating because I then basically fear myself, I am hurting myself. I don't know how to constructively express myself... Yet.

So have these feelings, that I feel I can't express and don't even know how. than I get mad at myself for feeling the way I do but not being able to express it. Or at least express it in a way I figure is 'ok'. So I shut down instead.

Thank you @The Albatross for getting me thinking. It was needed.
I think at the time I felt being hurt was what was keeping me from expressing myself. But really I want to retreat because I feel like I'm already going to fail at expressing myself. Like defeatist attitude. I can't so I won't, mentality. I'm scared to express myself. I'm scared that it won't be expressed the way it 'should' be.

But in reality I am learning how to express these emotions and with time I will also learn to maybe not beat myself up for having these emotions or for how I choose to express them.

Thank you @gizmo for the hugs and prayers. They are needed. I did have a good therapy session with my therapist and he knows about the abuse and that helped me a little bit. He let me break down crying and allowed me to feel. I usually feel I have to put on my tough mask when dealing with my husband or else he will attack me further. So I act like it doesn't hurt... But it so badly does. And I just can not deny it anymore.

When my husband comes home tonight... I plan on telling him that if he can not stop the abuse.. Than I will leave with our child. I must protect our child. He throws it in my face that I have no money of my own (he takes MY pay checks even) and that my only family is extremely dysfunctional. He believes I would never return to live with my parents because of the household history.

However he doesn't know just how much I have been through and I plan on using that to motivate me and encourage myself that I can in fact face my parents. That I am stronger than he thinks and that fear will not make me stay.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I'm back
I felt the need to be distant from any social forum so I could deal with the funeral for my brother.

But I'm back now... Not doing so well, but I'm going to pat myself on the back for returning and having the balls to post and not hiding away forever.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry about your loss of your brother. If you need a break take it for as long as you need it. You must be so overwhlmed right now. Many healing hugs.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you gizmo, I'm taking one day at a time. Ok to be honest it's more like one minute at a time. I struggle with accepting his passing. I wake up in the middle of the night crying from nightmares around having to identify his remains. I'm trying to be strong because my brother was strong, he overcame our childhood and made something of himself. I have to hold onto the hope he created for me.

I can't express how much this forum and the people like you, mean to me. I feel that my brother would want me to use my resources to continue. He would want me to grow. I feel I can do that with the help of this forum.

Thank you for being a light in the darkness. @gizmo

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I am trying to be strong, everything feels like a struggle right now.
My heart longs to be near you, my dear brother. I miss you so much, my heart hurts. I am trying to hold on to hope, and your encouraging words. Its just so hard.