Trying Hard Not To Fall In The Black Hole

[purplejaz]

I am in my 5th week of a relationship break up that has had some awful emotional games played on me. I feel at the moment that even friends are fed up with my situation and the effect it is having on me. I know I cannot control what others think or say, but I become very indignant when I am accused of things I haven't done or said.
My self respect, morals and values are important to me and I refuse to go to others people levels of demoralising.
My ex bf so much wanted to understand my ptsd and now he has become the enemy. He is using every type of emotional abuse he can summon up and then wants forgiveness and begs me to talk to him, stating he loves me and is worried about me, but conitinues with the abuse!
I have stopped answering his messages, will not even attempt to talk to him and for my silence I get treated like this.
I know I am spiralling at the moment, am so angry that I am even lashing out at friends telling them about their bad behaviour. On top of all this I am having to make awful life decisions such as bankruptcy and selling the assets I have left as my relationship break up has cost me financially. I am about to be homeless and have only a bedroom of furniture left to start over with. I have been here too many times before from previous break ups and feel as though if I don't stop myself from ever falling in love again I will truly go into the black hole permanently.
Why do I keep on getting involoved with men who say one thing and do another? Why do people take advantage of my generosity and then leave me high and dry with debts and adding extra bricks on my wall of trust?
At the moment I cannot even share my deep pain and despair with my family as they are still coping with their own grief in losing their father to suicide earlier this year. I put on this brave, smiling face for my children and just want to scream and cry non-stop.
I am not suicidal and would never put my children through that again. But oh how I want to step off the planet for awhile, shut people out and wish that I could be loved, looked after and treated the way I treat others.
I gave over 20 years of community service to young people and their families, gave a foster home for many young children and babies and now when I need help I feel alone.
The justice system lets me down by the never ending games the offenders play with the solicitors and courts. I am on constant stand by to attend court any time and the DPP are forever losing evidence, prisoners or changing the goal posts. It is over 7 years since the armed robbery and the ptsd outcome has been enhanced by me making poor choices in 2 partners who have taken from me what they could after declaring they will look after me, care for me and never do what the other did. Ha! Why oh why do people lie?

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Jaz,

I walked away from my last relationship 10 years ago, stating, I wanted to be alone. I have, since that day. I too, have always managed to pick the ones that I thought were great, only to have them turn out to be users or abusers.

But, I have learned that they only did this, because I allowed it. Poor boundaries, poor relationship values, and never knowing when to stop giving on my part. I have also learned that it's not always the other persons fault, because there are two people involved.

I'm sorry that you are in the situation that your in, it can't be easy, and I really have no advice on how to help you, other than, food banks, asking for help from your local churches, ect, ect......

 

[fin]

I understand.

I understand.

I have not been able to read everything you have written here, but to just clarify a point, I want to say welcome to you also.

It isnt easy living with ptsd it isnt easy not taking alll the blame on yourself either. It is finding the balance as she cat has said there are two people in things that we live through.

While it isnt always down to us how we see things in the past living with ptsd is bad at times, please know you are not alone here. I hope that you will feel supported now and encouraged that you are understood and I know it isnt easy being on call and having to wait on someone else in regard to courts etc and lost evidence etc, we are not always able to control even when it is or seems like it is cut and dry in regard to authorities it can have wide reaching repercussions and I do understand ... so many of us here do I think

I am not sure of much either in terms of others falsifying things it is difficult to know and be assured of support some days are worse than others that is for sure.

I am sorry I cant offer you anything more than this right now. Please know if I could I would. Thankyou for writing and keep going, it can improve for you as it has done for others here. Take care and be safe~ staying safe is important in my opinion it is a passport to happiness also sometimes. I hope that oyu find today better than you have done previous days~

 

[Grama-Herc]

I can only share my life mantra and that is

"If I get the urge for a man in my life I will simply get ANOTHER CAT!!!

Having a poor judge of character and the same unfortunate charm that attracts bums and losers, I have decided that cats are much sweeter, more loyal, extremely more appreciative, way cleaner, nicer to be around and smply more fun

I plan to be the weird ole lady living on the corner of the street with 100 cats!

Don't agree with my thinking. Compare a cat to a man in a pro/con list and see who wins! :rofl:

 

[Luthien]

Hi Jaz,

I can understand much of what you're feeling, as I am in a very similar boat. I'm in the process of leaving a relationship that I have been in for 6 years. My relationship was controlling and abusive, and like you, I let much of it happen to myself.

I am finally strong enough (or trying to be) to do what I need to do for me..

Even though my realtionship was abusive, and I no longer have feelings for my spouse, I am finding it hard to stick to my guns, I too easily fall into the trap of taking care of others wants/needs before my own, even to my own detriment.

One thing that I am doing for me right now is to surround myself with the messages that "I can do it", "I am allowed to put myself first", and "I will be okay". I keep telling myself these things over and over, writing them in places I am likely to see, and I find this method helpful.

I hope that you're able to find some peace in your situation, it is going to be hard. I think, in the end, when you're back on your feet and the hurt not so fresh, that you'll feel much better for not having to put up with the emotional abuse you've been subjected to.

Maybe taking some time to just be you, and avoiding falling in love again is a good idea, but I wouldn't be so quick to put an X there forever. There are good men out there, and when you're emotionally ready for it, you just might find one.

Take care.