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trying not to be angry with pinkie (child me)

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Lilac98

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I told pinkie last night that she could process things through my nightmares and I wouldn't get angry with her for it. I got really upset and I don't know why. I then went to bed. Last night I had a dream where I was in our kitchen sitting next to what was supposed to be my uncle (it was just a random man in the dream) I was looking up at him and I turned around mum looked at us then left the room. Nanny was in the room but not looking. He put his fingers inside of me and it was really sensitive but I didn't move or say anything.
 
and? ? ? what are you mad at pinkie for?
For the nightmares but I'm trying not to be which is why I said she could process things through my nightmares but then I had another nightmare after I said that and I felt angry today and also I kept feeling like self harming.
 
I have nightmares most nights. Which definitely isn't pleasant.

But...of all the different ways that my brain can process stuff? The "while you're safely tucked up in bed and it stops the second you wake up" is very definitely the least difficult!

So yeah, nightmares suck. And we have almost zero control over whether or not we have them. But as far as dealing with trauma goes, nightmares get my vote for sure.

There is medication you can take to help with nightmares. It may be worth talking to your doctor about that.
 
perhaps you could try comforting her? help her with the processing?

perchance, do you have a doll, stuffed animal or even a pillow you could name, "pinkie?" i used a pillow. it helped me to have something to cuddle for the visualization.
 
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I have nightmares most nights. Which definitely isn't pleasant.

But...of all the different ways that my brain can process stuff? The "while you're safely tucked up in bed and it stops the second you wake up" is very definitely the least difficult!

So yeah, nightmares suck. And we have almost zero control over whether or not we have them. But as far as dealing with trauma goes, nightmares get my vote for sure.

There is medication you can take to help with nightmares. It may be worth talking to your doctor about that.
Well for me it doesn't stop the second I wake up cause I'm often upset most of the next day and it can make me feel really uncomfortable with my body and feel unsafe for ages. I've not heard of medication for nightmares but I don't want to take any more medication I hate taking it.

perhaps you could try comforting her? help her with the processing?

perchance, do you have a doll, stuffed animal or even a pillow you could name, "pinkie?" i used a pillow. it helped me to have something to cuddle for the visualization.
I actually already have a pink bunny Teddy called pinkie which is where I got the name from it's technically my sisters but I look after it. I've never really associated pinkie child me with the teddy other than thinking the name worked well. Today I kept randomly feeling happy and wanting to jump around I drawee a really childish looking picture cause I had an urge to and I scribbled in my journal then felt annoyed about it cause it's normally neat then scribbled more cause it was fun and wrote rwaaar. It felt like pinkie kept trying to come out today and it felt like I couldn't control myself but at least she was happy for once.
 
This is pinkie. This little bunny is now representing child pinkie so I can try looking after pinkie if she Feels sad or unsafe or is processing things.
IMG_20220523_091111.jpg
 
hello pinkie. nice to meet you. may you find your healing path.

for what it's worth
i have a 6 year old foster daughter who came to me as a 3 year old in august 2019. something broke in this child during the domestic disputes between her parents which resulted in her being seized into protective custody. cps dubbed her resulting condition as "severe abandonment syndrome." working through her fears and anxieties has been a journey of inches. process a bit. play allot. pre-covid, we were working with a child psychologist who used "play therapy" and continued using play therapy after the psychologist masked up and increased his social distance. the more i use play therapy, the more i swear by it.

i tell you that story by way of encouraging to be patient with the process. "play therapy" is an actual thing and worth a surf. it works if you work it.
 
I went to the shop with my autism support worker and got these two new notebooks the lilac one for pinkie and the black one for lilac, though lilac would like both but pinkie would only like the purple one. I also got this new pen, it writes in black ink not purple but it looked cool so I got it as a replacement for lilacs pen that my dog chewed and ruined. We also tidied up the notebooks because someone probably a child had thrown the notebooks all over the place and pens and pencils were all on top of them and some toys. We sorted what we could and it wasn't perfect but it looked much neater. So now lilac and pinkie won't have entries in my normal journal and pinkie really liked the lilac one. Pinkies journal will be more happy and fun and some things to help her when she's sad and unsafe. Lilacs will be darker and have things like creepy mini stories and pinkie may make an entry with lilacs help when she's feeling bad.
IMG_20220523_175814.jpg
 
Pinkie bunny is currently in his cot. I've been trying to tell pinkie if she needs to process more rape nightmares it's fine but I wasn't very sure about it so I'm not sure if she will send me those nightmares or not. I think the nightmare with the uncle was really grandad and my brain just replaced grandad with my uncle.
 
I don't want to ever be in babyspace again. (happened for the first time last night) Also even though I put the assault nightmares to the side I still had two more. Last night some bad guy said he'd or his friend would hurt me if I didn't do what he said but I did and then I was sitting on the floor and his friend was rubbing himself against my bum.
 
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