Let me start off by saying that I loved both my parents deeply and they loved me as well. This is what is making this process so complicated. With guidance and help from my T I am beginning to understand my childhood was more complicated. My parents had their issues and got divorced when I was 13 but I am beginning to realize that their problems led me to a path where I did not want to bother them with my issues but also I am realizing that I was sort of alone to raise myself in some ways.
I am beginning to face the fact that I had some big hurdles to overcome and did not handle that well and am left with a lifetime of blaming myself for things that happened that were not really my responsibility and in fact I did not have the tools to cope either. From my CSA by an unrelated Pedophile from 10-12 to my intense drug use from 13-19 to my failure to go to college.
I have resisted what my T has been saying but it began to make more sense when she asked me, would I accept how I was raised for my kinds? Of course the answer was No, No & No. I have blamed myself for 50 years for failures of my childhood many of which were not the purview of a little boy to deal with. As a matter of fact as I look back I had no way to deal with this.
I am beginning to face the fact that I had some big hurdles to overcome and did not handle that well and am left with a lifetime of blaming myself for things that happened that were not really my responsibility and in fact I did not have the tools to cope either. From my CSA by an unrelated Pedophile from 10-12 to my intense drug use from 13-19 to my failure to go to college.
I have resisted what my T has been saying but it began to make more sense when she asked me, would I accept how I was raised for my kinds? Of course the answer was No, No & No. I have blamed myself for 50 years for failures of my childhood many of which were not the purview of a little boy to deal with. As a matter of fact as I look back I had no way to deal with this.