Relationship Trying To Figure It All Out

[tryingtocope]

Hi All,

I have been going thru some of the conversations on this site, seeking like most..answers..or at least help to navigate me to answers.

The story, I have a friend from high school, truthfully, I was in love with him then and probably still am. We reconnected thru social media a number of years ago. He had been thru a great deal, the military, and joining emergency services, a divorce, depression etc. When we reconnected I knew all emotions had returned to the surface, but I ignored it, as did he. I was married and he was struggling, he sought and was treated for ptsd, but no follow up care..we during the reconnection time, we fought, I tried to help him...he has impact on me like no other..He was in another relationship, we continued to talk on and off. He just I knew the chemistry remained between us, but, I also knew of the issues. When his relationship ended, we became "entangled.." I admitted how I felt as did he, I was in love with him. For whatever reason, did not work out, I told him I would always love him, but, I could not deal with all of his issues. Our "friendship" went out the door, I had given him a gift for his birthday, a personal one or so I thought..He loaned the gift to someone he was trying to have a relationship with, I got very upset and told him to f....off..he then yet again blocked and deleted me from social media, we had not talked in months until recently. He was upset as he thought I had betrayed his confidence in me..I had not, he claimed a friend of mine intervened warning him to stay away from me, this did happen as the friend was concerned for my well being. We have chatted briefly, but, I am just not sure if I can keep going back to this. I love him, but, I don't think I can do this anymore, how much does one take? They say love conquers all, but, ...I am lost with this...

 

[EveHarrington]

Honestly it doesn't sound all that healthy from what you describe.

I don't believe in holding on to past loves as it creates much conflict in future relationships.

I think a friendship would have too much baggage and too many feelings to be just a friendship.

 

[tryingtocope]

You are right Eve, he asked me if we could just start over, draw a line in the sand and forgot about everything prior too....and we just start fresh...I am just not sure I could do it..I would like to, but I don't trust him.

 

[sedna]

From what you wrote here I think it's possible that you have co-dependency. There's the type of co-dependency that develops after long relationships or dealing with an addict spouse etc.........and there's the type that's ingrained into your personality for some reason from the beginning.

I think if you feel there's great physical chemistry between you , you might be getting into a rescue fantasy with him that isn't that healthy. I cant tell from what you posted but maybe its worth looking at that possibility?

I've heard other people talk about what it feels like to be removed from someones social media and totally blanked out, I think that is kind of harsh, sorry he did that to you.

Love doesn't conquer all. If love is missing then you'll ultimately fail, but having even great love is not enough to make a relationship work. Two people have to be wanting the same thing at the same time while they love each other.....that's what I think anyway, not everyone will agree maybe.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds like there were way more issues than PTSD in that relationship. People with PTSD have normal everyday problems too. It could have just been ill-fated in general.

That being said, whoever said "love conquers all" wasn't dealing with somebody who had a mental illness. It may sound cold and unromantic, but a relationship won't work if your sufferer isn't healthy enough for one.

 

[Friday]

Of course love doesn't conquer all! :O_o:

Or there would be no divorce. No abusive relationships. No abused or neglected children. No lost loves. No unrequited love. No cheating. No adulterous spouses. No breaking vows. No betrayal. No heartbreak.

To borrow from @Sighs... Life is not a fairytale!

Where is your husband in all of this? Have heard a lot about who your highschool sweetheart is seeing, only one line that you are/were married? Unclear as to whether or not that's still true?

 

[EveHarrington]

What about the saying it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Of course it stinks to lose a love, but perhaps it would be best to appreciate what you ---had--- (and move on) rather than try to pretend to only have friendship type feelings just to keep him in your life.

Your feelings are very valid and so are your wants and needs. I don't think it would be fair to you to essentially just wipe the slate clean as if those feelings don't matter and don't exist.

Of course I'm speaking based on how I would react in such a situation. If you really think that you could handle being just friends, then I think it's worth a try.

:hug:

 

[tryingtocope]

Thank you all, I think I have decided..I have thought of little else the last few days. I do not want to be a part of his life, you see it is far too difficult for me for varied reasons. He needs to seek proper professional therapy and hopefully he will move forward, but, I also need to move forward..and I believe the best way for me to do so is with no further contact. We all have been here, we cannot always help, despite our best efforts.

My marriage broke, but, it had nothing to do with him, it was a matter of two people with very demanding careers, and sometimes you just need to know when it is over..like my marriage, with him it is...it has just taken me some time to come to terms with it. I cannot forgive him and just begin anew...the best thing one can do is circumstances like this, move forward separately....

Again, thank you all for helping me reach this point...