Hi Hillary389.
Welcome to the forum... I think you will find that there is a great group of people here, a lot of great information and it's a wonderful place for support.
I too, am experiencing something similar to your story - having been made aware of certain things that may have happened in my childhood in regards to sexual abuse. I have held onto this secret question in my mind for more than 15 years... but I have no clear memories of it either - it's just a feeling I have within myself and have always wondered. It's affected me in many ways throughout my life thus far and my behavior fits the patterns that are present in those who have been sexually abused as children. But without an actual memory of it, I've always struggled silently and within myself... plus, the overwhelming shame that is associated with it - I have only recently been able to say the possibility out loud. Recently though, my cousin came forward and confided in me that she had been sexually abused and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not shocked at all, but all of the sudden, everything just made so much sense and everything I had thought and discredited along the way was all of the sudden validated.
I'm 29 years old, have been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember and have been in and out of therapy. I had a therapist when I was a child that I stopped seeing years ago because I grew up, went to college, started a career, etc and that's just how it goes. When I learned of this information from my cousin, I sought out my childhood therapist to see if he would be willing to do therapy with me again because I wanted answers and he seemed like the most likely source to be able to give me those answers (my mother died 5 years ago, so I am unable to ask her.) Despite him being a child psychologist, he agreed to do sessions with me because he remembered me! I couldn't believe he remembered me after nearly 20 years. I met with him and expressed my concerns out loud for the very first time to him and he said the most amazing thing to me.
I expressed to my therapist that I was frustrated and unsatisfied because I had no actual memory of any such events and that it didn't sit right with me to not KNOW with 100% certainty that this happened to me. And my therapist simply said "You may never have that memory. It may come to you in 40 years, it may come to you tomorrow... or it may never come. You cannot control it. So how are you going to choose to live your life?" He went on to explain that I can still heal from these wounds without having 100% certainty. I've been living in the "unknown" and having these inward struggles for 15-20 years constantly questioning if this happened to me and it's clearly affected me in negative ways. He asked me how long I was going to continue to live this way, allowing this man to have control of my life and have this power over me.
The fact is that I may NEVER have a memory of it... but something about it resonates with me and I have suffered for long enough with the thought of the possibility of it happening. I can still heal from these wounds and live my life without him having any more power or control over me. What's the harm in going through the healing process even if I don't know with 100% certainty? This was the most freeing advice I've ever received and I feel satisfied with it. I have begun to just accept that this is a real possibility in my life, it has made things make so much sense in my life, but I am not going to allow it to drag me down anymore -- I am going to heal, and continue moving forward with my life rather than staying stuck in it for 20 more years and I am going to live my life grateful for the knowledge and life skills I have acquired through my struggles.
I wish the same for you. I hope you are able to find what it is that you need to satisfy whatever it is inside you that you need. Each person is different and your journey is your own and I wish you peace and comfort through each step of the process.
