EndlessSorrow
New Here
Hello,
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I am 35 years old, and pregnant with my second child. My husband is a police officer, and a good guy.
But I am not eating enough, not getting out of bed unless my toddler is home, sometimes going for days without speaking to anyone, sometimes not even showering for days. My husband is miserable, and just can't understand or empathize.
I left my abusive, frightening ex shortly after my son (now 3) was born. My current husband and I have been raising my son together since he was six months old, while his father had visitation.
His father has been harassing me and attacking me and stalking me since I left, and several months ago he was able to sue me for 50% custody. He spent $15,000 on a very well known attorney. He made so many accusations against me, and for some time I was too beaten to defend myself.
He falsely accused me of burglarizing his house, so I spent 3 hours in a jail cell. He had me investigated by CPS 3 times. He accused me of being a drug addict, calling my doctors and telling everyone who knows me.
My therapist and lawyer told me this county is a 50/50 custody county--my ex would have gotten 50% custody no matter what I did, unless he did something truly horrific. Even if he hit my son, he would likely just get anger management and then get 50% custody back.
My lawyer told me that the court will never, ever believe me about the abuse, so I should never mention it. Because I did not file a restraining order. I called the police 4 times. I visited the battered woman's shelter. There were several witnesses. I happen to know that if I had filed a restraining order, he could possibly have lost his job, and then he could snap--I was convinced at the time he would kill me. I just wanted to get away with my child without setting him off.
And now I have to leave my son with him three days in a row out of every week. My son begins whimpering and begging before we even get in the car to go to his father. He cries, and begs, and they have to tear his little fingers from my hair. He has started slapping me when I put him down--he is angry at me for leaving him.
And I cannot live with it. Or myself. My mother abandoned me, and I will always believe that if my child needs me, and I'm not there, I am a piece of shit, worthless mother.
I am four months pregnant, but I feel little connection to this baby. I feel guilty for giving this new baby what my son deserves.
I do not sleep or eat or shower or get out of bed for the entire three days he is gone. The only reason I would never kill myself, or kill my son's father, is I could never leave my son.
I am told by several people that there is very little chance of getting my son back more of the time--and thus protecting him from that monster. I feel completely hopeless. I cannot live with it. I am dead inside, and I am revived for the three days at a time that I have my son at home until I have to send him back to hell.
I see nothing, when my son is gone, except thick, dark, deep, endless sadness and fear while he is gone, until someday when he is old enough for the courts to care what he says. I hope he doesn't hate me for leaving him half his life by then.
Thank you for reading.
Vanessa
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
I am 35 years old, and pregnant with my second child. My husband is a police officer, and a good guy.
But I am not eating enough, not getting out of bed unless my toddler is home, sometimes going for days without speaking to anyone, sometimes not even showering for days. My husband is miserable, and just can't understand or empathize.
I left my abusive, frightening ex shortly after my son (now 3) was born. My current husband and I have been raising my son together since he was six months old, while his father had visitation.
His father has been harassing me and attacking me and stalking me since I left, and several months ago he was able to sue me for 50% custody. He spent $15,000 on a very well known attorney. He made so many accusations against me, and for some time I was too beaten to defend myself.
He falsely accused me of burglarizing his house, so I spent 3 hours in a jail cell. He had me investigated by CPS 3 times. He accused me of being a drug addict, calling my doctors and telling everyone who knows me.
My therapist and lawyer told me this county is a 50/50 custody county--my ex would have gotten 50% custody no matter what I did, unless he did something truly horrific. Even if he hit my son, he would likely just get anger management and then get 50% custody back.
My lawyer told me that the court will never, ever believe me about the abuse, so I should never mention it. Because I did not file a restraining order. I called the police 4 times. I visited the battered woman's shelter. There were several witnesses. I happen to know that if I had filed a restraining order, he could possibly have lost his job, and then he could snap--I was convinced at the time he would kill me. I just wanted to get away with my child without setting him off.
And now I have to leave my son with him three days in a row out of every week. My son begins whimpering and begging before we even get in the car to go to his father. He cries, and begs, and they have to tear his little fingers from my hair. He has started slapping me when I put him down--he is angry at me for leaving him.
And I cannot live with it. Or myself. My mother abandoned me, and I will always believe that if my child needs me, and I'm not there, I am a piece of shit, worthless mother.
I am four months pregnant, but I feel little connection to this baby. I feel guilty for giving this new baby what my son deserves.
I do not sleep or eat or shower or get out of bed for the entire three days he is gone. The only reason I would never kill myself, or kill my son's father, is I could never leave my son.
I am told by several people that there is very little chance of getting my son back more of the time--and thus protecting him from that monster. I feel completely hopeless. I cannot live with it. I am dead inside, and I am revived for the three days at a time that I have my son at home until I have to send him back to hell.
I see nothing, when my son is gone, except thick, dark, deep, endless sadness and fear while he is gone, until someday when he is old enough for the courts to care what he says. I hope he doesn't hate me for leaving him half his life by then.
Thank you for reading.
Vanessa
