24 daffodils
New Here
Hi, new here. I am 54, married, 2 children - one easy, one not so much. That is a story for another time. This post is about my mom…I am perplexed and trying to understand, after feeling shunned for decades.
I have always struggled with my parents, never quite understanding but knowing that it was far, far different from 'the norm'. A distant relative, a nurse, recently referred to my dad as a 'psychopath'. I looked it up. Bingo! Psychopath, sociopath, call it what you like…he's no Hannibal Lecter, has never killed anyone, but certainly wrecked my mother, my brother, and, well, certainly left his mark on me. Verbally and emotionally and physically abusive.
I can deal with that, well enough, though it is no walk in the park. And fortunately, he does not live nearby. He is obvious, and so, relatively easily understood.
This post is about my mom, who I have anguish over but do not understand. I cried buckets as a teen because it always seemed that, as much as I loved her, and as much as she 'went through all the motions', she never did seem to love me. She was excellent to everyone on a very superficial basis…always had on perfect makeup, perfect hair, always had dinner on the table, kept up perfect appearances…but there was never anyone 'there' beyond the superficialities. That was enough when I was a small child and didn't know the difference. Her family of origin called her 'different'…I don't know what that meant…and she married far too young to an abusive older man. He controlled and beat her…threatening to kill her if she ever left him…she is now near the end of life and still with him. More and more, she has detached…just seems to want to be left alone…never outwardly offensive, but never engaged and interested, either. I don't know…was she a relatively normal person who, after years of abuse, just shut down and gave up and withdrew, as the only way of 'survival' she had left? Or…as my husband suggests, is she now (or maybe always was??) mentally ill? If so, with what?
She hides behind the excuse, when pressed, of my dad being abusive (which he is). Neither of them have any friends…they are isolated by choice from family and anyone else. She says my dad would not allow her friends. Yet, she will call other relatives to superficially chit chat on a regular basis, but never wants to hear from me, and doesn't seem to care about her grandchildren, never asks about them, doesn't express any interest in seeing them, seems aloof when I call. If I call and say I'd love to hear from her, she says she will call me (as my dad is so controlling, she can't accept calls), but then never does. When I was a new mom and desperate for her help, even for a week, she said no. No excuse. That was over a decade ago. She really just wants to be left alone. My dad fiercely defends her, using my 'negligence' of her as another reason to attack me. It is alarming that he references things that just never happened to disparage me, my husband, my mother in law, my father in law, well, just about anyone he knows in his small universe.
I have a younger brother. He seems stunted, never had a life, and moved back to be near them. I suspect they are still supporting him, even at age 50, although they are barely middle class themselves. They used to be worried about my younger brother, but as my involvement with them faded (to protect my own kids from abuse) it seems that the role of 'family scapegoat' has now been thrust upon me. While I am mystified by this….I think it has to do with me establishing a life beyond their influence….I still wonder what I am dealing with. As their health problems escalate, I really would like to understand my mom. Schizo personality disorder? That seemed close. Yet I hear that label is being discontinued. She really seems to want to be left alone by everyone, including my dad. I don't know whether it is the shock of the abuse all these years finally wearing her down to nothing, or a psychological problem of her own. Your thoughts? Neither of my parents would ever consider psychological help…ever…they distrust everyone and don't see that they have any issues. It is always the hatred of someone else that keeps them going…these days, me, because I no longer pay for their visits to see their grandchildren. While I am more relieved than ever from protecting my kids from their abuse and distorted views of reality, I do hurt…I am not superhuman…and wish I understood what it is that my mother 'has' that has kept her from being a loving, normal mom….I have always felt so 'pushed away' and unprotected. Maybe, as I became a mom myself, I realized what was really missing all these years.
While
I have always struggled with my parents, never quite understanding but knowing that it was far, far different from 'the norm'. A distant relative, a nurse, recently referred to my dad as a 'psychopath'. I looked it up. Bingo! Psychopath, sociopath, call it what you like…he's no Hannibal Lecter, has never killed anyone, but certainly wrecked my mother, my brother, and, well, certainly left his mark on me. Verbally and emotionally and physically abusive.
I can deal with that, well enough, though it is no walk in the park. And fortunately, he does not live nearby. He is obvious, and so, relatively easily understood.
This post is about my mom, who I have anguish over but do not understand. I cried buckets as a teen because it always seemed that, as much as I loved her, and as much as she 'went through all the motions', she never did seem to love me. She was excellent to everyone on a very superficial basis…always had on perfect makeup, perfect hair, always had dinner on the table, kept up perfect appearances…but there was never anyone 'there' beyond the superficialities. That was enough when I was a small child and didn't know the difference. Her family of origin called her 'different'…I don't know what that meant…and she married far too young to an abusive older man. He controlled and beat her…threatening to kill her if she ever left him…she is now near the end of life and still with him. More and more, she has detached…just seems to want to be left alone…never outwardly offensive, but never engaged and interested, either. I don't know…was she a relatively normal person who, after years of abuse, just shut down and gave up and withdrew, as the only way of 'survival' she had left? Or…as my husband suggests, is she now (or maybe always was??) mentally ill? If so, with what?
She hides behind the excuse, when pressed, of my dad being abusive (which he is). Neither of them have any friends…they are isolated by choice from family and anyone else. She says my dad would not allow her friends. Yet, she will call other relatives to superficially chit chat on a regular basis, but never wants to hear from me, and doesn't seem to care about her grandchildren, never asks about them, doesn't express any interest in seeing them, seems aloof when I call. If I call and say I'd love to hear from her, she says she will call me (as my dad is so controlling, she can't accept calls), but then never does. When I was a new mom and desperate for her help, even for a week, she said no. No excuse. That was over a decade ago. She really just wants to be left alone. My dad fiercely defends her, using my 'negligence' of her as another reason to attack me. It is alarming that he references things that just never happened to disparage me, my husband, my mother in law, my father in law, well, just about anyone he knows in his small universe.
I have a younger brother. He seems stunted, never had a life, and moved back to be near them. I suspect they are still supporting him, even at age 50, although they are barely middle class themselves. They used to be worried about my younger brother, but as my involvement with them faded (to protect my own kids from abuse) it seems that the role of 'family scapegoat' has now been thrust upon me. While I am mystified by this….I think it has to do with me establishing a life beyond their influence….I still wonder what I am dealing with. As their health problems escalate, I really would like to understand my mom. Schizo personality disorder? That seemed close. Yet I hear that label is being discontinued. She really seems to want to be left alone by everyone, including my dad. I don't know whether it is the shock of the abuse all these years finally wearing her down to nothing, or a psychological problem of her own. Your thoughts? Neither of my parents would ever consider psychological help…ever…they distrust everyone and don't see that they have any issues. It is always the hatred of someone else that keeps them going…these days, me, because I no longer pay for their visits to see their grandchildren. While I am more relieved than ever from protecting my kids from their abuse and distorted views of reality, I do hurt…I am not superhuman…and wish I understood what it is that my mother 'has' that has kept her from being a loving, normal mom….I have always felt so 'pushed away' and unprotected. Maybe, as I became a mom myself, I realized what was really missing all these years.
While
