Turning A Blind Eye To Abuse

[maddog]

MS. I think the decision about whether or not to confront her about this has to be made 100% with respect to your own best interests. If you genuinely believe it would bring you empowerment or closure to do so, then it's definitely worth considering. But if you were to do it, the victory and empowerment would have to be in the act of confronting her and not pinned to whatever you'd hope her response to be, because that's not something you can control, and from all you've said, it sounds moderately unlikely that she would be persuaded to see the truth of your story.

Honestly, in almost all cases, I believe disclosure is for the abusee, not for anyone else, because it's just too risky (both practically and emotionally) to share such info with any level of expectation of a certain response.

I am absolutely all for making people stare down reality straight in the face though, and regardless of what she said or didn't say to you, there would be a part of her that would most likely know that what you're telling her is true, and a part of her that would, hopefully, feel some of the emotion that is deserved in this case.

Remember, you're the only one who has to know it really happened.

MD

 

[Spiderallis]

I don't know if I'll understand how denial works on this one... nothing salted the wounds like my mother saying she didn't call me very often while I was isolated and being abused because she thought it might make things worse for me. If you think it might make things worse, why not reach out and try to make them better?! I thought it was just in my head because no one else admitted that they could see how bad things were.

 

[Hashi]

Honestly, in almost all cases, I believe disclosure is for the abusee, not for anyone else, because it's just too risky (both practically and emotionally) to share such info with any level of expectation of a certain response.

I think this is very true. MS, I'm afraid I don't think you'll get a reaction that you'll like. If it would be enough to know that you spoke your truth, then that's one thing. I'm really sorry to say that I don't think you'll be heard, though.

Some people (including me) see this kind of denial as the shadow. We think we should be good so we try to suppress any darkness or negativity in ourselves and instead present a compassionate, loving, caring face to the world, even to ourselves. Because we won't look at what we struggle with, we can't heal it or work with it. Instead it expresses itself in covert ways, and it isn't kept in check because we refuse to deal with it. To coin Debbie Ford's expression, it's why good people do bad things - why some Directors steal from the charities they manage, why some priests molest children, why some "perfect parents" are abusive behind closed doors.

IMO, if you ask this woman to look at your view of the situation it might well only make her even more defensive.

I may be wrong in this case, of course. I just wanted to say that this is often how it is and I think if you decide to talk to her, you need to be prepared for not being able to get through to her at all.

Personally, I think the question is how we can get past the injury and injustice. I say that because I'm in that situation with someone myself. I know I'm never going to be heard or be able to make the situation fair. The only thing for me to do is try to make peace with it inside myself - it's very difficult.

 

[Philippa]

I don't know if I'll understand how denial works on this one... nothing salted the wounds like my mother saying she didn't call me very often while I was isolated and being abused because she thought it might make things worse for me. If you think it might make things worse, why not reach out and try to make them better?! I thought it was just in my head because no one else admitted that they could see how bad things were.

I heard the same reasoning from a supposedly good solid friend when I was homeless. Apparently she didn't call me when I was in the shelter because she thought that might make things worse for me. More like she just didn't know what to say and felt uncomfortable. I had friends I hadn't known very long calling me up to see how I was doing.

Then she got mad at me for not taking her up on her offer to stay in her house and be bossed around by her, and move according to her schedule with three kids and a house hold to run, which I would have been expected to help her out of course. Apparently I was being selfish for considering that she might not have the space for one more, and I needed space myself to find a place to live without dealing with friends or anyone elses life.

ok, I'll stop venting here. Back to my diary methinks.