Sexual Assault Tying to understand my abuser

[shimmerz]

But in fact I'm facing things about me the further this thread is going.

Which is what healing is all about. The important part here is to remember that you were victimized. What I also see in this is that you protected yourself by refusing to be in the same room with him. You also cut off all communication with him. These are all things done out of self care and self love. Many victims of such things take a lifetime before they get to that point. Keep up the great work but don't be hard on yourself.

 

[caroline_13]

No idea what is/was going on in his head.

I DO know that -statistically- it’s almost unheard of for child/teen offenders to not be acting out their own abuse, with others. So the missing piece MAY be that your brother was being sexually abused during most/all of those years?

Or? It may be that he’s a hebephile (a kind of pedophile who is only attracted to just-entering-to-just-past-puberty adolescents to late blooming older teens).

Or a whole helluva lotta other possibilities. (Like certain personality disorders, certain substance abuse issues, certain dissociative disorders, etc., etc., etc.).

I agree.

I also hope this is helpful:

You can choose to see him (although this may take work) how you want: as a predator or as someone who was doing the best they could with what they had.

I have found that, ultimately, I find it easier on ME to choose to see people as doing the best they could with what they had.

That does not mean you have to classify his behavior from Wrong to Right. It does not mean that suddenly your feelings of anger, abandonment, despair, etc. are illegitimate. It does not mean that you have to have anything to do with him.

it's just a choice that gets you on the road to knowing that we are all always doing the best we can with what we have.

You never know what someone else has been through. And it might just be you do not understand his behavior because YOU are a bigger, and better, person who is more highly evolved in maturity and respect.

I don't believe in karma because if he suffer of his actions that means he regrets them so isn't evil. If he was "evil" he wouldn't care what he did to me and is living a peacefully live where I'm concerned.

This is all difficult enough to process. If something I say doesn't work for you, then disregard it.

Hope you feel better.

 

[Givrali]

I agree.

I also hope this is helpful:

You can choose to see him (although this may take work) how you want: as a predator or as someone who was doing the best they could with what they had.

I have found that, ultimately, I find it easier on ME to choose to see people as doing the best they could with what they had.

That does not mean you have to classify his behavior from Wrong to Right. It does not mean that suddenly your feelings of anger, abandonment, despair, etc. are illegitimate. It does not mean that you have to have anything to do with him.

it's just a choice that gets you on the road to knowing that we are all always doing the best we can with what we have.

You never know what someone else has been through. And it might just be you do not understand his behavior because YOU are a bigger, and better, person who is more highly evolved in maturity and respect.

Guess I'll work to see him like another victim. That would be easier for me. I won't forget what he did but people can break over too much weight

 

[couragetogrow]

So I could stop thinking deep down it was a necessity to let him do that to me.

It didn't help him right ?

Hi Givrali,

I just want you to know you are not alone with these types of thoughts. I can relate to the feeling you described above. For me, I find it extremely hard to believe one needs to suffer for anothers' wellbeing, even though sometimes my brain seems to try to tell me that. I feel like it's a way my mind tries to make sense of overwhelming events, but speaking from experience, it's a lot to put on oneself. I'm not in the position to advise you but just wanted you to know I'm rooting for your peace and sending you encouraging thoughts.

 

[PlainJane]

@FlyingDove please sign in to your account to post.

 

[Givrali]

Hi Givrali,

I just want you to know you are not alone with these types of thoughts. I can relate to the feeling you described above. For me, I find it extremely hard to believe one needs to suffer for anothers' wellbeing, even though sometimes my brain seems to try to tell me that. I feel like it's a way my mind tries to make sense of overwhelming events, but speaking from experience, it's a lot to put on oneself. I'm not in the position to advise you but just wanted you to know I'm rooting for your peace and sending you encouraging thoughts.

I mostly cut contacts wiht him and regardless if it's any use for him to harm me I won't ever let him touch me ever again