Ugh! double ugh!

[Still Standing]

Man oh man! Wish I could get out of my own head ~. I am assuming this is an episode of avoidance or dissociation or both. :tdown: I have tried to rewrite my trauma account and read out loud my original missive. No can do. It is like hitting a brick wall. I started the rewrite and only got two sentences in when I heard the voice of the T asking me to focus on the beating. That stopped me in my tracks. I found that I was staring at the empty notebook paper. But suddenly I started writing sentences that came from deep inside describing my reactions to dad, who was beating me. Then that stopped. Then I heard the T asking me to try to draw what I was seeing in memory...which I had earlier said that I wished I could paint pictures instead of writing. He was encouraging in that. So, I drew a simple illustration of the beating in progress. Now, I can do no more. I feel like I am on the edge of anxiety and sorrow. It feels like I am wandering around in a dark place. It feels like the brakes are on and going forward with completing a rewrite or rereading the trauma account is insurmountable. I feel lonely. My head is full to the point of hurting. The TV is on, and the pup is waiting for me to play with him but, it feels like I am in the Upside Down World like what was depicted in TV series, Stranger Things. It is a struggle to stay in the real world. It makes my head hurt! And it upsets me to think that we have to focus on this part of my life! Ugh! This is so nutty. One minute I am 'normal' and the next can find me sliding down into the abyss! I am going to put the homework away and let the counseling fall where it may, tomorrow. Maybe in the morning, I can refocus...I can only hope. Am gonna go sit in front of the TV and play cards with the computer! :banghead::confused:

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

That sounds like a lot of very heavy homework. Maybe next time ask you T for something smaller and more manageable. Has you T gone over any coping skills and stratagies with you and some grounding techniques?

It’s really hard having to go over this stuff and it sound like you’ve actually done quite a bit of work. Take gentle care of yourself.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm having a difficult following everything right now but are you at a point where you could stop for a bit, stretch to the sky, get some water, shake your arms and legs in a bit of a dance, mindful breathing. You know, a hard right or detour for now?

That's heavy lifting you are doing, I had to do mine in sections over a length of time.

 

[Joan]

Sounds like you have really done a lot. I would hope your T did not expect you to necessarily "complete" writing it all. I love that you drew as well. Hoping that you can be proud of yourself for what you have tackled. hoping you can rest and have a good session tomorrow.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not believe that you avoided anything rather worked very hard on this homework.

 

[Still Standing]

Ok~ I am "back". Yes, I have been practicing grounding. I did go watch TV, color, and play with the dog...twice...which made me laugh a lot. Those good ol' endorphins have punched into place. I have not looked at the homework as being too much because I have done this on two other trauma accounts and got to the point where they did not throw me under the bus. But this one suddenly surfaced and has been causing havoc in my head and flashbacks with acting out. It has been much more hurtful and upsetting. After the first time reading it out loud, in front of my doc, this week, the trip home got to a point of very being concerning, as I was so drugged feeling, it was extremely difficult to stay awake while driving. It was tough getting home. I simply wanted to drift off into a deep sleep, which I now recognize as a symptom of post-therapy. I recognized it as dissociation big time. So, I guess this assignment is harder. I have no plans of going back to it tonight. Nope! I am choosing to let it be. It can just sit on the desk all night long, by itself! The residual inner turmoil is that I want to get in the car and just drive and drive. Perhaps, tomorrow... That always seems to settle the restlessness (when I am not dissociating!). Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I was sorta in a desperate spot. Sometimes others can "see" things in a better light than those of us who are reeling in the muck, in the moment.