Uncertainty About The Future

[Meadowsweet]

Yesterday good things happened, I got a good grade back for my previous essay and handed another one in. On Friday I have a practical assessment and after Friday, I don't know what's going to happen in my life.

When I decided to go to university, I was in that frame of mind of being aware that something is wrong and needs to change, but not knowing what it was. It was about 18 months after being attacked and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the group I was part of. So I think it was a reaction to my need to be in control of my life.

It's been a mixed blessing. Going into class has prevented me from being totally isolated and gives me a sense of normality. When I write essays, Im forced to think hard, and this distracts me from trauma thinking.

But, the stress cup overflows leading up to the essay deadline, and I can't think straight until I slip into a weird robotic hyperalert state of survival. The before and after effects increase PTSD symptoms. But during the summer, all that spare time alone increases them too.

So I don't know whats going to happen in my day to day life. And I don't know how it will change or effect what I experience of PTSD.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Meadowsweet- if I could click the like button 100 times I swear that I would, because I can relate to it 100 percent!

Glad that your essay received a high mark, and that you had such good things happen. Hold on to that feeling of success for as long as you can. Hugs to you!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Trying to hold onto a feeling of success is difficult. I wrote another post about that one:eek:

 

[lil_fighter]

:) Congratulations on the good grade for your essay, it's times like that that you know it's worth it.

Your decision to go to university being a mixed blessing is on the whole a positive step forward and the PTSD has spurred you on to make a change, which you obviously felt was needed at the time.

When I threw myself into studying and volunteer work and paid work for three years since moving to the city it was a great distraction and at times it was tough but it was manageable because it was part time study or part time work..half terms and holidays were tough because it was an excuse to think, I used to feel at a loss when I wasn't busy but this soon passed and eventually the PTSD seemed to disappear.

Now 3 years on, the PTSD has reached a head because over those years that I kept busy there was a problem..I still had a low self esteem and I still went into abusive situations not being able to recognise 'normal' from 'abnormal' so in a way because I never dealt with my low self esteem and I just kept busy to block everything out, it's like I was walking around with a wound that hadn't healed and I had just covered it up pretending it didn't exist.

I think your decision to go to university is great, I've been putting uni off for years but plan to go next year. Im 23 and figured that people know when they are ready. The advice I will give you though, on hindsight, is to use this time to also focus on rebuilding other parts of your life...not just your education, take care of your self esteem etc. to ensure that you have the best quality of life possible and that it doesn't crop up in the future. I wish I had done that because maybe now I wouldn't feel like Im back at square one with regards to PTSD.

Trying to hold onto a feeling of success is difficult.

True, but your success is a fact and no one can take that away. Even if feelings come and go, your success and accomplishments stay where they are. Good luck with your assessment

 

[Meadowsweet]

You're so right lil-fighter. It might have been knowing that I was finishing uni (and realising that friends weren't interesting in helping) that pushed me to go to the doctor. I'm on a waiting list for therapy, so hopefully that will help. But I'm scared that it will make things worse for a bit.

But who knows, it might be that without the added stress of uni and unhelpful friends, I might be better able to handle the real issue of things that have happened. I'm trying to stay positive.

but your success is a fact and no one can take that away. Even if feelings come and go, your success and accomplishments stay where they are.

I like this. Even if I can't feel it as a success, as you say, it will be a fact that stays until I can appreciate it.

 

[Srain]

CONGRATS MeadowSweet!!! :tup:

True, but your success is a fact and no one can take that away. Even if feelings come and go, your success and accomplishments stay where they are.

I love this because it is so true!!

You wrote them, nobody else did. :)

((((((hugs))))))
Rain