Uncomfortabe In My Own Skin

[Crow88]

This is really hard for me to talk about... but keeping it inside hurts so much more.

My body feels alien to me. My skin feels like it doesn't fit properly and I get an almost claustrophobic feeling (if that makes sense?)...All clothing, no matter how loose, makes me feel like I can't breathe. But I feel so repulsed by my naked body that I feel I must cover up even when I'm home alone.

I suffered many years of abuse at the hands of my parents and when I look in the mirror I see that I look like them. I feel like a monster and I just wish I could rip my skin off. Some days I find my body so disturbing that I can't leave the house because I'm afraid of people seeing how horrendous I am. I wish with all my heart that my mother had aborted me. I was an accident anyway and she made that abundantly clear.

Can anyone relate to feeling like a monster?Any support would be much appreciated.

 

[Nellie]

I can relate to everything you wrote here. I am sorry you feel that way, it's the worst. The only thing that calms me down is if I have a hot shower and then distract myself by watching television and eating comfort food. I also have a punching bag now to take out my hysteria/anger on it rather than on my body. Big hugs to you xo

 

[arfie]

I relate entirely too well. Unfortunately. I can't convince myself I want to be human, much less THIS human! It sucks like an industrial Hoover.

Still... I am what I am and I ain't what I ain't.

What helps me through the moments I am overwhelmed by it is looking for hidden beauty to admire. A wildflower in asphalt. A beautiful smile in a crowd of grumpy faces. A random kindness.

Hope you find something to help you through.

 

[Crow88]

Thanks so much for your lovely replies. I'm so sorry others can relate to this awful feeling, but I'm so grateful to have your empathy and support. Showers are soothing for me too but I've been needing loud music to drown out the internal judgements. I've gone a bit overboard on the comfort food but oh well... :depressed:

Random acts of kindness is such a fab way to feel better. I do that sometimes and it makes me feel a bit less of a monster.

Love and healing wishes to you both