Unfamiliar With This Feeling

[Born to Run]

No I did not have mean little parts in the sense of being mean or physically hurting me. They did sabotage a lot of my adult functioning though, so you could say that is mean, but to these little ones time stood still, they don't know any better then to protect you. Another idea is to tell the little one that today is the year 2015 and that she no longer needs to be mean to you, because now you are an adult and don't need that anymore.

 

[mytai]

@WildMermaid I've only been able to email with her since it happened. Since it has never happened before I don't think she realized that is what was going on, I think she thought little was just me dissociating like I do from time to time.

I don't wish to be locked in a closet, I know how it feels to be locked in small rooms and closets, and I also know what it feels like to hide there in the dark. I don't know how to be kind to angry little, angry triggers adult me a lot, and triggered me is struggling to stay safe and make good, healthy choices. I feel like I deserve the punishment little is dishing out because I left her in the closet when I got out, and shoved a chair up against it locking her in for all those years.

 

[WildMermaid]

but now she can be free @mytai she does not have to be locked away anymore. :) my little self was dead as far as i was concerned, until she woke up, and i realized how wrong i had been

 

[mytai]

@WildMermaid I forgot about little until the last weekend in March when I was in a group therapy weekend (have another at the end of this month), I got an image of little being locked in a closet with a chair wedged against the door. I didn't know she existed, I thought T was a bit crazy to be honest for even suggesting that I had a child part.

 

[WildMermaid]

@mytai Now you know she's still a part of you though, and maybe together both of you can heal some. :)

 

[mytai]

@WildMermaid I feel like I've gone backwards in healing since little came out on Monday. Did you feel that way when your little first came out?

 

[WildMermaid]

@mytai oh Hell Yes! I felt like I had ever tried to do was to survive and grow up, and BE an adult, and it felt like backsliding to the point of origin. In some ways I guess it was. I'm happier than I was before that part me surfaced though.

 

[mytai]

@WildMermaid that's what it feels like for me too. I feel like my T will be disappointed in me on Monday because I've worked so hard to be a functional adult, and she's always said she's amazed at how high functioning I was considering what I've gone through. I feel like I've let her down now. I feel really upset with myself too.

 

[WildMermaid]

@mytai forgive yourself and that little girl part of you as well. :)

 

[Born to Run]

@mytai All the work you have done before with your therapist is not lost now. It is still there. Just realise that you go to therapy for you and not to please your therapist. Therapy goes with ups and downs and it is the normal way of healing. I hope you will feel better after you had your therapy on Monday. Let us know if you'd like if you feel better after the session. Take care.

 

[camabelu]

I felt everything you've described when I met my little again all those years later. Like WildMermaid, I thought she was dead. She was soooo angry with me.
I have to tell you - this is evidence that the hard work you've been doing is working. Little feels safe enough now to show herself and even more, to show how angry she is. Your therapist will be so proud of you! I know how scary it is. You can do this.
It helped me to imagine an actual child the same age as my little, sitting in front of me. I'd think about what I'd say to HER. To any little girl in so much rage and pain and fear. And that's what I'd say. Out loud.
You said she's being mean to you. That's what children who feel safe do with their mothers when they are upset. She trusts you enough to show you how she's really feeling. And even if you don't feel you're ready for her, and for this, I promise you are or she wouldn't have chosen now to show up. It will be ok. It WILL be ok. You're safe and she's safe with you.
You aren't alone. We're here. And we're not going anywhere. Check in often. Both you and little you.

 

[mytai]

Little let me get some 6 hours of my math course work done today. But I think she got mad at going away for so long, and she took over completely and I don't know what she did. I have bruises all over my forearms and a hip now. I don't know if she did this to us or if she put us in a situation where we got hurt. Scared. Trying to make Little happy by watching a kids movie.