Relationship Unfit Spouse For A Man Like Your Spouse?

[Never_falter2]

Do you ever feel like you are not giving 100 percent as a spouse, not doing your best? Do you ever feel that a man like your sufferer deserves better after all he has been trough?

If I look back at things I have said and done in our relationship find numerous examples of things I said I could have said different, times I could have more understanding and so on.

 

[dulcia]

I sometimes tell my guy that he would probably benefit from being with someone who could not take things as personally as I do and who is more able to walk away or disengage during an argument or when he is escalating. (Mind you, I have been trying.) Personally, I see it as he may be more appropriately matched with someone else, as opposed to finding fault in giving 100% or not.

 

[grimalkin]

My guilt hits me on occasion, yeah. I didn't know about PTSD, and thought I was just being rejected in his inability/lack of desire to do anything with me. After 7 years, I basically stopped trying. I didn't tell him, of course, that I had given up, and I'm not sure he realized. But, unfortunately, I told him in our couples counseling (because it was supposed to be safe for me, too, to be honest), so that blew up and backfired (though really, we should not have been doing couples counseling when he wasn't learning how to cope with his issues, too...the PTSD came out during counseling...anyway, long story).

So finally I realized, right now, we aren't right for each other. He needs solitude and to get his shit together, I need to learn to stand on my own, and figure out who I am again (without the griping about my politics, my education, my religion....).

I try not to think about that there might be *someone* out there for him that's not me. We genuinely *get* each other, on a pretty basic level. I think right now he and I both need solitude.

 

[caligirl03]

I think it's safe to say the vast majority of people would be just as in over their heads as we are/were when it comes to the beast that is PTSD, as the implications of it fall far outside the scope of typical relationship challenges. I know it's easy to be hard on ourselves as supporters and rehash the past with a fine-toothed comb or play the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" game. I too struggle with a degree of guilt; however, I have to fight that negative self-talk and remind myself that while I made mistakes like any human, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did the very best I knew how at the time.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I messed up plenty with my love ex, I got lost in a spiral of pain and my emotions took over, it happens.

Sometimes we make mistakes and aren't the best we could be, definitely not something to beat yourself up over though.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks! Don't get me wrong. I do not think we should break up. I just think I should be more... saintly... for lack of a better word.
I happen to be not very saintly. May be I am still to young. I just like to have fun and he told me this is what he likes about me... but you know. I often feel like I am not a very deep and not a very selfless person. Such a person would be able to cope better.
You know my husband says he would not want to be with a saintly person because they are just too boring. Hope it is true. Hope he does not just say.

@grimalkin: Would you mind telling me what happened during couples counseling.

 

[grimalkin]

@Never_falter - I looked at couples counseling as a way for us to be honest, with a "referee" if you will. I was looking for it to be a way to learn to communicate with each other, how to effectively compromise, and how to get through what I thought was just a "rough patch," and end up stronger in the end.

He never really told us (me or our counselor) what his goals were - which was probably part of the problem. I don't think he knew, beyond "getting" me to see how bad it was. I know he expected me to deal with all my issues, and "fix" myself (mentally and physically), and realize I should have listened to him sooner - I know this because he said as much during one of our sessions.

Basically, the fact that he has complex PTSD from childhood trauma came out in counseling. For him, it changed from I needed to fix me, to we both need to work on ourselves, and he didn't want to have to work on his own issues (again, I know this because he said as much - when push came to shove, he's not ready, and he doesn't want to do anything to heal. He's convinced it's not possible, and he wasn't willing to try to save our relationship. Which, really, would be the wrong reason anyway).

So, in my attempts at being honest in an environment that was supposed to be "safe," for both of us, he just kept getting triggered more and more. Since he is not being treated for PTSD, and has very few tools beyond what he's learned on his own by just surviving, he had no way of coping with all the crap coming out. It just didn't go well.

I started my own counseling after the death of my father to deal with everything, and learned quite a bit (and am still learning) about myself. We BOTH needed to be doing our own therapy in addition to couples counseling.

 

[Never_falter2]

Thanks for sharing.