Unstable (suicidal) And Getting Worse

[new gamma rays]

I don't know why I'm getting worse, but I definitely am. I live back with my parents, who were very involved with my trauma (terrifying forced hospitalizations, lengthy time in involuntary mental hospital etc.) It took almost a two year arc, for me to finally move back home. Before that I was in a group home, but could come home.

Coming home though has put me up against two (well more than two) major problems: My home -specifically the side of the house I use - is a trigger for the most traumatic and recent trauma - being pulled out of this house after my parents called an ambulance - in a non emergency - and I was pulled out of the house literally by paramedics strapped down to a gurney. It happened at night and I dread the part of the day every day it gets dark and I have to turn on the lights, because that's a visual trigger somehow. I always have a feeling of danger and flashback because of it.

The other major trigger is my mom. She was pretty instrumental in her neglect and antagonism to my first trauma, and I can get very instantly triggered to rage sometimes. Which makes me feel unsafe and retraumatized.

I have been to a therapist, but she hasn't really helped much. I went to another one who seemed to offer emdr resources, but just the idea of starting to deal with the trauma that happened to me at the involuntary mental health hospital, and everything else is terrifying to me. I can't imagine doing intensive therapy on top of everything else I have now, but I know its just going to be at the back of my mind no matter what.

This is just an out and out untenable situation, and I can only relieve the anxiety by thinking about suicide.

 

[ill]

I think you just explained exactly why things are getting worse for you - you're back at home where your trauma happened, with the people who traumatized you. I also think it's pretty wise of you to realize that this is not the time to dive into EMDR. You need to be safe and you're not safe right now. May I ask why you moved to your family home from the group home? Is returning to the group home an option for you? Is moving into a space of your own an option? Is this something your T might be able to help or give you some direction with? Is there a safe place where you can stay even temporarily?

When your situation feels untenable, I think the first thing to do is to figure out what would make it tenable: What do you need in order to feel safe? What would a safe home look like or be for you? If you know the answer to these questions, you know what to work towards. To me, this is the first order of business. You need to be safe. Everything else comes after this because everything else is basically impossible without this.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I agree with @ill and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[macca]

No wonder you feel triggered and unsafe. I really feel for you, in this situation. I too, agree with all ill has said. Work towards safety, in any way you can manage. I don't think I can add anything above what ill has posted, just wanted to add another supporting voice.

 

[new gamma rays]

Well I moved back home because the group home was terrible, too expensive and my dad just didn't have the money anymore. It was stupid and irrational for me to stay there as long as I did, but I wasn't thinking very rationally having to live in that place.

Safety . . . Safety . . . The only escape right now are my relatives in Gilbert, which is usually too much of a hassle to pick up all my food and medicine to transport it over there, and I'm pretty extremely fatigued right now that I usually bail on it at night because I can't find the energy. It has helped me a little in the past when I felt I was just too unstable and needed a night to feel safe, but that's about all it is.

 

[ill]

Can you ask your T for help/direction in applying for disability benefits and/or assisted living/subsidized housing?

Was it stupid and irrational for you to stay at the group home as long as you did? I guess I'm assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that the reason you chose to stay at the group home was that as terrible as it was, "home" felt even worse.

 

[new gamma rays]

My parents can financially support me if I were to decide on an apartment. It just seems like a huge leap for me (I've never lived in an apartment or outside of home). I mean its literally across the street that I could live, but something in my mind can't make that leap. I would do anything to stop the night time reminders of trauma every night though. It pretty much prevents me from doing anything besides mindlessly surfing the internet to distract myself.

The reason I think I clung to the group home was because I knew how suicidal I was, and I thought if I went home nothing could stop me short of another hospitalization and stronger than the urge to die was the desire to prevent the kind of intervention that happened two years ago - or anything close to it. So I'm in some absurdist catch-22 state right now/

 

[new gamma rays]

Each day its getting harder to live in the same house as my mom. I'm not feeling that great to begin with, but every time she comes home I get paralyzed. I feel an immediate sense of anger, and then I just try to distract myself from that feeling - even though I have important things like calling doctors to do. It makes me feel like my whole life is going to descend into a crisis, and since that seems so unair and horrible all I can think about is suicide. Goddamnit. No one in my family will back me up on this, but each passing week I feel like the neglect, the mean spirited refusal to help by my mom leading up to a horrific hospitalization was a form of abuse and I can't tolerate that feeling. If my mom didn't live anywhere near me I think that would be so freeing. But I have to stuff down my anger and fac the fear of moving on with my life and its almost unbearable.

 

[ill]

What's the benefit of distracting yourself from your anger? What's wrong with your being angry at your mother? You're allowed to be angry at someone because they hurt/traumatized you. That's a pretty sane response, by my measure. So why do you feel like you have to stuff it down? Is it because you're currently living with your mother? If living with her means that you feel like you have to disavow your own feelings, then I'd say it's one more item in the pro-moving out list.

If you think your mother's behaviour was abusive, that's enough. It doesn't matter if/that your family won't back you up, it's still abusive by your measure and your measure is a valid one and the only one you really need to concern yourself with right now. You're not okay with her treatment of you. And that's okay. You get to be the final judge and jury on this - you get to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you, what you will and won't put up with, what is disrespectful and inconsiderate.

What's right for you? What do you want, what do you need, what would help? If living away from her would be freeing, why not allow yourself the opportunity to be free?

 

[tinyleaves]

Omg I'm in the same position you are and I can't take it anymore. I just moved back with my family, the people who caused my trauma, and all I think about is what happened. I don't think anyone knows how dire the situation is.

 

[tinyleaves]

Ok doing better....just having a panic attack

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@tinyleaves I am not sure how much healing you can do living with the people who abused you. Is there anywhere else you can go?