Untreated For Too Long? Long Story.

[Discord]

I am 22 years old young male trying to understand myself. I went through insane amount of problems in my young life (not drug related) and at age of 17 I completely gave up, refusing to talk or see anyone. I locked myself up so deep inside in my head I could be certain that I will never ashame myself again.

I was even suicidal for almost 2 years but when I realized that I was too much of a pussy to take my own physical life, I eventually think that I succeeded to kill some massive part of myself anyway.

Because one day I woke up and realized how much I had failed in my life already, how embarassing moments I have been through and how much I had wanted to get rid of myself.
But I didn't feel in the same way anymore, didnt feel hate- no shame, no fear, no regret. I don't know about love because I've never felt it anyway. Relationships are something I could never handle.

I went from nervous isolated wreck to something that is ice cold, but never stops doing things. Something happier than ever before. Something that feels a soothing breeze waving through my head always when I'm alone. Althought I can never be completely relaxed around other people.

I worked and made some money so that I could afford to travel. I wanted to see the world and most importantly I wanted to get out of where I grew up. And now after 8 months of traveling, seeing other people- nothing much has changed socially except my talking skills.

But talking and social interaction is still an act- en exhausting act that I cannot bother to do anymore than I need.

I've also become redicilously good liar aswell, it even scares me how well constructed lies I can make up in just a few seconds. And its also become somewhat compulsive thing to do when covering up my mental disability amongst normal people. People that connect, people who can read each others emotional flickering, people that love and hate unlike me.

I only have quite short range of different emotions I feel which can be labeled in three sections

Joy, Calm and Rage

The joy and calm are amazing sensations, it's like I could feel the world around me way better than before, enjoy it more and also I feel like I could go anywhere and do anything.

The rage however is something I have to work with. Because when something triggers it- all the suppressed anger from the past starts to spill. Its feels like something literally is spilling in my brain which is redicilous considering that there are no cencors in the brain itself. It hurts so much that I want to sream- its like hitting a concrete wall with a motorcycle in high speed. It shuts down all rational thoughts and tenses up every single muscle in my body.
After a while I just feel shivers runnig nonstop through the whole body and gasp for air trying to find calm.

So far I have never hurt anyone.

I am afraid that one day, if someone physically attacks me, I will lose the final barrier of control and completely explode. I have even had dreams of just ripping apart someone and absolutely loving every second of it.


When it comes ot sexuality, I have experimented both sides the straight and gay and honestly I think that I might be going more the gay side but I don't accept that. I just can't see myself as gay, I don't want that to be real. Practically I never do it, never think about it, I just handle it few times a week by myself just to keep the chemistries of the body in balance. Its a fully mechanical thing for me.

And what do I actually do in my daily life? I work, I've been doing outside work pretty much always and I like it- tho I think that I could be doing more challenging work aswell, something more creative and I am looking into that. First priority for me in life is to sustain myself, keep myself clean and not use alcohol or drugs much at all.


I find sanctuary in arts, multiplayer video games, science, nature and music(singing aswell)

When I get drunk I obiouvsly become more fluent speaker like everyone else. Although I tend to get very fixated in some subjects that I wouldn't even talk about with anyone when sober so I don't really like getting drunk.

For few years before turning to 20 I smoked quite alot of pot but I eventually gave that up. (just thought that's worth mentioning, whatever)

When it comes to getting treatment, I'm too much afraid that it might end up getting restrictions in my life, getting medicated untill I'm a dull piece of flesh, or even ending up inside four walls and I'm not willing to take that risk just for the chance that I might some day be more "normal".

What I have? I dont know. I propably don't want to offically know anyways. So thats why I'm asking here, online.

I am happier than ever right now in my own insanity. I have a job, im qualified, I plan to study more and I'm travelling the world!

So what do you think? Is there any name for the kind of condition I've explained? I have never talked to anyone about these things, in real life or internet. This is my first time trying to find some explanation, to get someone elses opinion. Feel free to ask any questions.

Although questions about what happened to me when I was younger will propably remain unanswered. Even when anonymously posting in the internet. There is so many different moments, so many unprocessed emotions that I will always refuse to dig up.

 

[Stickler]

...You have trouble reading body language and emotions? People are a lot of work? You don't ever get exceedingly lonely but do get too overloaded? Can't stand lots of noise or a specific range of noise? Too much chaos make you freak out?

...Anyone ever suggested you might have Asperger's?
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/asperger-syndrome-and-adults
Just throwing it out there.

Also, regarding sexuality...no reason to slap a label on yourself.

 

[Discord]

That could potentially be the case, I definitely have no clue of body language and emotions, People are definitely way too much work and I never get lonely.
I can handle chaos pretty well because I can stay calm and fearless pretty easily. That lack of fear has enabled for me to travel, go in to places and situations that other people would freak out about.

Its funny how my acting has become so solid that I might seem like a normal person for even few days when spending time with someone


However, lets say that it is asperger, if I get treatment for it- what kind of resctrictions would I get from it? Am I going to have an ASD label next to my name everytime I try to get a new job? What kind of benefits or disbenefits would a diagnosis do?

Just interested

 

[EveHarrington]

In most(many) places, health records are private, so no, you won't disclose a diagnosis when applying for a job.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have read your story and I want to congratulate you for traveling and achieving that goal in your young life. (I can say young, because I am in my mid-60s, so you are young compared to me). I have always wanted to travel around the world, but all I do is read about it online and in magazines. I have been to every state in the USA and every Province in Canada, also been to Argentina, but that is it for my travelling and I don't have the money to do it now, unfortunately. I used to own a motel though, before I retired. That was fun, because I had guests from all over the world.

As to your rage, as long as you think you can keep from acting it out on someone, you are OK, but if there is any chance that you might really attack someone then maybe you should seek treatment for it. There are meds that would not bury you into numbness or worse, but could help you to control it.

Personally, I have been in therapy for years, and on medications, but I lead a pretty usual sort of life for a retired person these days. I go to the local Senior Center, belong to a church and am active in it and in general am a happy person. My meds do not interfere with my life, they make it better.

 

[prayingforpeace]

Discord, I am fairly new to my own diagnosis of cptsd so I have no answers as to what yours may be.

I just wanted to comment on your post. It seems you've been through a traumatic life so far and I can understand your brain turning off certain emotions. It's survival, self preservation! I also want to applaud you for having the courage to travel and meet new people. I'm more than twice your age and if I could give my younger self advice it would be this: Please begin to treat yourself with compassion, forgiveness and less labeling. You have had to do what you've done emotionally to survive. It's ok to feel what you feel. We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge others. I've had my feeling invalidated for over 40 years and I'd tell my younger self that your feelings, thoughts and opinions MATTER. I totally get your anger/rage. It's a natural reaction to being violated (in my opinion). You are obviously strong and very self aware, but it's ok to validate any feelings of weakness inside (if only to yourself). If you don't "get" other people, its OK. If you prefer being by yourself for now, it's OK. Your sexuality is OK (your business). There are many others out there who may have similar experiences... even though you may feel completely alone. I proud of you for joining here and telling your story (I may not know you but I can still be proud). I'm proud of you for asking for help! Please acknowledge both your good qualities and the not so good. You have a lifetime to grow. You are young so above all, live the life you want instead of living as a reaction to those who've harmed you.

I'm very sorry if anything I said hurts you or insults you... it was never intended. It's possible that I've not understood where you're at but I thought I'd try.

Best of luck to you! Please keep searching for help/answers as long as it takes.

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you all for sharing such well put thoughts.
I agree, agree, agree.
Television, radio, print, advertising, blogging.............. so much of it is designed to "sell" something or some concept by bombarding us constantly with how miserable and inadequate we really "should" feel about ourselves. (This site is such a welcome respite.)
Imagine living two hundred years ago in a beautiful place out in the woods without these comforts - and the constant bombardment of negative directives. Maybe we'd have the opportunity to grow up feeling "good" about ourselves, not worrying about "normal", "accepted", or "more".
Maybe just being me could actually be really cool.
Ditto........I don't want to hurt or insult anyone either. Never intended.
Discord, you sound like a great guy. Lots of questions, and some answers to seek. I agree - compassion, forgiveness, less labeling - I needn't repeat what the others said. They were right on. I hope you'll stick around. See if it helps. Good ahead and enjoy life a little. Somehow. Even a few minutes.
Ice cream, a walk, plan a next trip.....take care and have a good day. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am 22 years old young male trying to understand myself. I went through insane amount of problems in m...

I have autistic tendencies myself and joy in my world does not depend on other people. No matter how much they attempt to influence me the things that I feel are totally unrelated to anyone around me.

You are cold because you are protecting your inner sanctity, I do that too.

Social interactions drain me too, but that is mostly because many people either do not show the necessary intelligence, moral, or humanity to be considered worthy discussion partners.

Don't really know what to do with that information either.

Generally, I am not concerned about what other people do in their private lives because that is none of my business, but rather it concerns me very much when some total strangers attempt to pry in my private life. Naturally, I do not allow them to do so.