Relationship Update and now more confused

[Searching]

Short back story: (made a thread almost a year ago) Dated my ex for a few months. He has PTSD and survivors guilt from his time in the service. I have PTSD and my own issues. He cheated and was heavily drinking. It took me a really long time to get over everything and get my self worth, esteem and confidence back and I am so grateful for the advice I was given here ❤.

Well he recently reached out to me and wants to start over. During this time apart he continued his therapy and went to rehab. I agreed to talk about things with him. He said he was in such a bad place and anyone who gave him attention he went with, the drinking didn't help either. Though that's no excuse. He regrets ruining things with me and wants a second chance. Claims to be in a much better place now. Which so far it seems like that could be true, he looks great, working out, eating healthier, eliminating unnecessary stresses in life.

I myself am so confused and can't process any of my thoughts about this. I went through so much and don't want to go through that pain again. I am not completely opposed to giving him a second chance but I also fear this isn't genuine and end up looking like a fool for taking him back. I also worry that I won't be able to trust him again and end up hurting him in the process. Yes he hurt me in the past and maybe shouldn't worry about hurting him but I do. I would never want to be the reason or part of the reason for him to go backward in his recovery progress.

He knows it will take a long time to earn my trust back and he has to show me I can trust again. He wants to take things slow and not rush into anything until we both know this is what we want and I myself wouldn't want to rush into anything with him. He wants to make sure he is ready for a relationship. Rehab advises not to get involved with anyone right away, which I understand but at the same time I've heard it before.

I only know about the one woman he cheated on me with, (I don't know who else or how many others there were nor do I want to know) but he is still friends with her and claims they are only friends. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with that friendship if I give him another chance but I also don't know if it's fair of me to ask for him to cut all ties.

I worry about him regressing because next month is a huge stressors for him. I don't know how he will handle it with his recovery and I don't want to be caught in the crosshairs.

I feel so scatterbrained and my emotions are all over the place.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Probably not what you wish to hear, but two people with severe emotional issues rarely, rarely works. Trust me..

 

[Searching]

Probably not what you wish to hear, but two people with severe emotional issues rarely, rarely works. Trust me..

That's one of the many things running through my head right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Why do you have to make an immediate decision if you’re not sure? Just talk for awhile and see how it goes.

Personally I cannot tolerate cheaters, but that’s one of my solid dealbreakers. Not everybody feels that way. The one thing I would say is don’t excuse the cheating because of his mental health. He wasn’t possessed by the devil or unaware of what he was doing. He still made the decision to cheat. That was all him, not his PTSD.

 

[Searching]

Why do you have to make an immediate decision if you’re not sure? Just talk for awhile and see how it goes.

You are right, I don't have to rush into any decision.

Personally I cannot tolerate cheaters, but that’s one of my solid dealbreakers. Not everybody feels that way. The one thing I would say is don’t excuse the cheating because of his mental health. He wasn’t possessed by the devil or unaware of what he was doing. He still made the decision to cheat. That was all him, not his PTSD.

Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me, except now I can see he is trying to improve himself. He owned up to it and even said what he was going through was no excuse. But I still don't know if I truly get over that and be in a relationship with him.
I'm also afraid of trying and end up hurting us both, or that he just really didn't change and does it again. But I guess only time would tell in regards to those outcomes.

 

[Juso]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I only know about the one woman he cheated on me with, (I don't know who else or how many others there were nor do I want to know) but he is still friends with her and claims they are only friends.

That, for me personally, would be a red flag. If I cheated on my boyfriend with a dude and if after a year I would try to get back together with him, I would never in a million years still be friends with the person with whom I had an affair. That would be really disrespectful towards my boyfriend if I asked him to try to trust me again IMO. I would know he would feel hurt because of that friendship, and I am pretty sure your ex knows as well that this friendship with that girl would make you sad, uncomfortable and insecure. And him not caring about that in spite of his f*ckups just because he has the selfish desire to be in contact with this person doesn't sound too trustworthy in my ears.

I also don't know if it's fair of me to ask for him to cut all ties.

It is fair. Because he cheated on you with that person. I think it is more than justified to tell him you won't try to be in a relationship with him again if he stays friends with her (who knows if that is really a friendship ... the thing about cheaters is that they are used to lying and that it is really difficult to trust them because of that - in a practical and in an emotional sense, as you most certainly know).
If you ask me, I would run and not look back.
Hugs if you accept!
❤

 

[Searching]

That would be really disrespectful...

I tend to over think things all the time and I thought it would be disrespectful but was working I was thinking too much a out it.

It is fair. Because he cheated on you with that person. I think it is more than justified to tell him you won't try to be in a relationship with him again if he stays friends with her
❤

I think I'm going to talk to him about it, I really don't think I have a chance of getting over it with him still talking to her.

 

[Justmehere]

Well he recently reached out to me and wants to start over. During this time apart he continued his therapy and went to rehab.

That's really cool. Often they will recommend not dating for a period of time. Hopefully his treatment team thinks he is good to go to date again.

I would never want to be the reason or part of the reason for him to go backward in his recovery progress.

If he goes backwards the reason will always be that he made choices and the disease of substance addiction won out. Not you. Not anything else.

I'd suggest just hanging out as friends, with some decent boundaries. Get to know him as he is now. See how it goes for you both. Maybe consider al-anon or another support network for friends and family of people in recovery. (It helped me not do the dance with even sober folks that still had some of the behaviors they had when drinking.) It gave me a better chance in navigating things successfully.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

That's one of the many things running through my head right now.

Sadly, it's the truth.
I wish it were a different story for sufferers. (For me also)

If they betray your trust once, they'll do it again. Guaranteed.

I've seen people cheat on the ones they were cheating with..

 

[Wonder Woman]

Short back story: (made a thread almost a year ago) Dated my ex for a few months. He has PTSD and survivors guilt from his time in the service. I have PTSD and my own issues. He cheated and was heavily drinking. It took me a really long time to get over everything and get my self worth, esteem and confidence back and I am so grateful for the advice I was given here ❤.

Well he recently reached out to me and wants to start over. During this time apart he continued his therapy and went to rehab. I agreed to talk about things with him. He said he was in such a bad place and anyone who gave him attention he went with, the drinking didn't help either. Though that's no excuse. He regrets ruining things with me and wants a second chance. Claims to be in a much better place now. Which so far it seems like that could be true, he looks great, working out, eating healthier, eliminating unnecessary stresses in life.

I myself am so confused and can't process any of my thoughts about this. I went through so much and don't want to go through that pain again. I am not completely opposed to giving him a second chance but I also fear this isn't genuine and end up looking like a fool for taking him back. I also worry that I won't be able to trust him again and end up hurting him in the process. Yes he hurt me in the past and maybe shouldn't worry about hurting him but I do. I would never want to be the reason or part of the reason for him to go backward in his recovery progress.

He knows it will take a long time to earn my trust back and he has to show me I can trust again. He wants to take things slow and not rush into anything until we both know this is what we want and I myself wouldn't want to rush into anything with him. He wants to make sure he is ready for a relationship. Rehab advises not to get involved with anyone right away, which I understand but at the same time I've heard it before.

I only know about the one woman he cheated on me with, (I don't know who else or how many others there were nor do I want to know) but he is still friends with her and claims they are only friends. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with that friendship if I give him another chance but I also don't know if it's fair of me to ask for him to cut all ties.

I worry about him regressing because next month is a huge stressors for him. I don't know how he will handle it with his recovery and I don't want to be caught in the crosshairs.

I feel so scatterbrained and my emotions are all over the place.

Take my advice for what it's worth...

I have found that taking back an ex- never works. The same sh*t that separated you the first time will (eventually) rear its ugly head. Plus, like you mentioned you will have mega-trust issues. Plus, in my experience, the second break-up is more painful than the first.

I hope you will take care if yourself. It sounds like you've done some hard work getting yourself to a good place. I'd hate for you to go backwards, instead of continuing forward.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Hi there!

My two cents is the same as @Sweetpea76.....take it slow.

I will share my story since its pretty similar. So, my sufferer cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. We had been friends then friends with benefits then boyfriend/girlfriend. Broke up with him immediately after learning he was looking elsewhere after maybe a month of bf/gf (but over a year of being best friends). We went no contact for a while. Then he realized how bad he messed up and apologized for screwing up one of the good things in his life.

When he texted me out of the blue I panicked and got the best advice ever from my friend "be honest". So I was. Brutally so.

When he apologized he said he just wanted to try to make things right and was hoping (but didnt expect) to be friends again. I didnt believe him and kept pressing him about his motives and he said he just wanted things to not be weird anymore (our work paths crossed every so often and it sucked every time we saw each other).

In any case, I told him EXACTLY what i thought. That i thought he was trying to get back with me and that I would be stupid for considering it. That I missed my best friend. That I would try to be friends again with him but I might not be able to. Etc. Etc.

We ended up picking up right where we left off friendship-wise. I ended up going through a really tough time and he was the most reliable friend in my life at that point and really stepped up helping me through it all.

He wasn't dating anybody as far as I could tell. And after 6 months or so of that I made a joking comment...I cant rememeber what anymore but it implied him sleeping around with other girls. He got PISSED. And he went off about how the whole time he had been trying to win me back and he hasnt been seeing anybody else blah blah blah....

So, I said as far as I could tell I believed him but he had breeched my trust so badly I wasn't sure I could trust him without being an overbearing girlfriend with ridiculous expectations....which is not the person I wanted to be.

In the end I gave him a shot. He indulged my every insecurity without me even asking (like sending me a picture of him and his best friend when I asked what he was up to on a Friday night).

Eventually he won back my trust entirely. 7 years later we are doing great.

So.....is it possible? In my experience.....yes....with A TON of honesty and A LOT of open discussion. And the reason it worked for me personally is because he proved himself trustworthy before we started dating again. And when we started dating again he continued to actively build more trust and didnt hold any of my insecurities against me.

Of you decide to move forward ..... take it sloooowww. And CONSTANTLY re-evaluate if he is a positive or negative force in your life. Is he helping you work towards your best self? Holding you back? Keeping you in the same place? Is that what you want for yourself? Is he what you want?

Also....i had made a list of things I wanted in my next partner when we were broken up. He hit them all second time around so I knew I wasn't compromising. (Except for the foodie part....i wanted my next partner to be a foodie like me...but all the important points were hit so whatever)

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi there!

My two cents is the same as @Sweetpea76.....take it slow.

I will share my story since its pretty similar. So, my sufferer cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. We had been friends then friends with benefits then boyfriend/girlfriend. Broke up with him immediately after learning he was looking elsewhere after maybe a month of bf/gf (but over a year of being best friends). We went no contact for a while. Then he realized how bad he messed up and apologized for screwing up one of the good things in his life.

When he texted me out of the blue I panicked and got the best advice ever from my friend "be honest". So I was. Brutally so.

When he apologized he said he just wanted to try to make things right and was hoping (but didnt expect) to be friends again. I didnt believe him and kept pressing him about his motives and he said he just wanted things to not be weird anymore (our work paths crossed every so often and it sucked every time we saw each other).

In any case, I told him EXACTLY what i thought. That i thought he was trying to get back with me and that I would be stupid for considering it. That I missed my best friend. That I would try to be friends again with him but I might not be able to. Etc. Etc.

We ended up picking up right where we left off friendship-wise. I ended up going through a really tough time and he was the most reliable friend in my life at that point and really stepped up helping me through it all.

He wasn't dating anybody as far as I could tell. And after 6 months or so of that I made a joking comment...I cant rememeber what anymore but it implied him sleeping around with other girls. He got PISSED. And he went off about how the whole time he had been trying to win me back and he hasnt been seeing anybody else blah blah blah....

So, I said as far as I could tell I believed him but he had breeched my trust so badly I wasn't sure I could trust him without being an overbearing girlfriend with ridiculous expectations....which is not the person I wanted to be.

In the end I gave him a shot. He indulged my every insecurity without me even asking (like sending me a picture of him and his best friend when I asked what he was up to on a Friday night).

Eventually he won back my trust entirely. 7 years later we are doing great.

So.....is it possible? In my experience.....yes....with A TON of honesty and A LOT of open discussion. And the reason it worked for me personally is because he proved himself trustworthy before we started dating again. And when we started dating again he continued to actively build more trust and didnt hold any of my insecurities against me.

Of you decide to move forward ..... take it sloooowww. And CONSTANTLY re-evaluate if he is a positive or negative force in your life. Is he helping you work towards your best self? Holding you back? Keeping you in the same place? Is that what you want for yourself? Is he what you want?

Also....i had made a list of things I wanted in my next partner when we were broken up. He hit them all second time around so I knew I wasn't compromising. (Except for the foodie part....i wanted my next partner to be a foodie like me...but all the important points were hit so whatever)

Hi, OrangeJulius.

I'm glad things are working so well for you. It sounds like a big key to the success of your relationship is that he proactively verified his whereabouts.

Still, I stand by my advice to Searching (op). OrangeJulius' situation is a very rare outlier, not typical, or likely at all.