Usaf Security Forces

[SecFox343]

Wondering if any of you guys out there are struggling holding it together... was deployed to BAF in 2011. I did ASO and Security, out side of BAF.. im rated at 70 percent for PTSD. Im not really f*cking jelling with people to well, i wake up angry and short of breath. I have had the shittiest luck maintaining relationships and no family support. Its hard to get up in the morning and take care of my self. I try hard as f*ck every day and it hasnt gotten any easier. Im pretty suicidal, lonely, and feel f*cking useless. I cry all the time. Im tired of it man. Air Force combat vets dont get taken f*cking seriously.
We (security forces) were never mentally prepared or trained well enough to handle light infantry work. its a f*cking shit show.

Idfk. just trying to get shit off my head. I f*cking hate life and i dont know who or what i am anymore.

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome brother. Honestly I don't care what you did or what branch. You were in a shitty space and a shittier situation. No matter how good your training and preparation was.

 

[atilla]

Welcome Brother, everybody is a grunt when the shit hits the fan in any shitty country. Check out the posts, lot of good commo here.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome SecFox343,

I am with you brother. 70 percent as well. I've been off and on about being on medication for the past 4 years. And I feel like I've only barely started yesterday. I take med's now. For sleep, and for anxiety/depression. Still stuck in and out of depression. But they help me sludge through the day.

One big thing I've struggled with is what you mentioned at the end. About, not knowing "who or what you are anymore."
Your actions determine who you are. Your own personal responsibility to do good or do bad. Try to recognize thoughts are just that..."thoughts." If something doesn't mend with your moral compass then disregard. I get introduced to people all the time I have no interest in developing a friendship with based on determining what kind of attention they might bring around. I'm polite, perhaps short and to the point. But I also have to recognize that all these people out here who don't understand. Have their own lives.

They can't understand. It's un-imaginable to them. Suicidal thoughts come and go. It's pain.
Patience is key and I have very little.

Welcome to the forum man,
Have a look around.
You are not alone.

 

[Spock]

SP...if they knew what would do this to you than it might be avoided but they don't, no one does, since it different for everyone (well they kinda do but don't care but that is a whole different shit hole). Everything you wrote has been shared on here by several others over time so Welcome Home. You are amongst friends now, ones that understand everything you just wrote which is likely far different than what you're dealing with everyday there.

First don't do anything rash. Give us a chance to help you catch your breath.
Seek treatment, if you have not already. You can't do right with family & relationships until you deal with you.
Get into Group therapy with folks like us here.
Then you can start with the baby steps. If it was easy, this forum would not exist.
We all have to learn to live with it.

In the meantime, check out the media section especially this:
Link Removed

Stay safe & stay strong

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome mate

 

[Friday]

Some days I struggle with holding it together. Most days I'm looking at the pieces scattered to all hell and gone, and just say "f*ck." I'm too tired. I already did this shit once, I don't have it in me to do it again.

I just found this place a couple months ago. I wish I'd found it 15 years ago. Or 10. Maybe I wouldnt have jacked my life up in as many ways as I did. Pick a f*cking card. If there's a clichéd bad idea out there : sex, drugs, death wish jobs, drinking, bad bad bad relationships, the list goes on. I was on it like white on rice the first few years. (Cough. Or longer.) It took me years to cobble together a good working fix, find some balance, finally felt I had this thing sorted (enough anyway), and then 10 years later that came crashing down. Because I'm an idiot. And I f*cked up. Again. And I was back to the point of picking fights with my suicide note written on my calf when I found this place. I have gotten more help here, in the few weeks I have been here, than years spent working my ass off trying to unbreak myself. Or jam a square peg in a round hole with civilian fixes. Don't get me wrong, there's useful info in civvie fixes. A lot. But you have to be a contortionist in order to apply it. And I was all out of being able to bend. And sick and tired of being "wrong" because I need rough handling, and humor, and want to bite, and everything else... Plus the shame when I didn't want to do what I do... But be taken care of. As if broken isn't enough, now I'm not even me when I'm broken. WTFO? That's just wrong.

You say no one cares about USAF. No one here cares about service branch, or country, or conflict. No thunk! thwip! (awwwwww) dick measuring contests, warporn, or other nonsense. (And since I haven't gotten gagged -yet- pristine language.) People laugh here. (About the shit I find funny which feels like damn miracle at this point in my life.). But most of all, the people here have some serious knowledge to kick.

 

[reddevil1111]

Welcome to the forum

You get over that service shit with time brother.

But I personally never lived down the feeling that I was a looser for having PTSD. I still feel like I failed for "catching" this crap. 99% of us have guilt issues. Survivors guilt, guilt from mistakes in service, in relationships (yeah we f*ck them up a lot) the list goes on and on...

Here is the key: Therapy. You have to work out the thoughts/feelings Learn all about stress and how to reduce it. Master that and you can greatly reduce the overall control PTSD has on your life. Seriously, there is light at the end of the tunnel !

Semper Fi!

 

[JarHed]

just trying to get shit off my head. I f*cking hate life and i dont know who or what i am anymore.

Welcome to the Forums.

It may not help to know that everyone here either is or has struggled with the same things you are. There can be a better life than the one you're currently living, even if it doesn't seem so at the moment. There's help out there and help and info here. So ask away and we'll try to send you in a better direction. You're not alone.

JarHed

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[5line]

. the only time i was ever "wounded" was a tiny splinter of aircraft shrapnel hit me just below my body armor and caused a pinprick of blood. thats it. I came back with the stigma that we Airforce pukes didnt need as much help as infantry types. i was very wrong. we all handle stressors in different ways. and noone will ever look at you funny or think anything negative of you if youre trying to get the help that you need. that you have earned. try not to get arrested. sometimes when i feel that my rage is up i pop a seroquel. like an "off switch". puts me on my ass so i cant make my situation worse. i dont like meds too much but desperate times........ sometimes i feel like a total sham. but i want to live a beautiful life so i try not to think about anything other than that which i need to improve myself.

it will get better. keep waking up in the morning.

 

[SecFox343]

I'd like to thank you gentlemen for the warm welcome. Its no easy when the support networks you have aren't very accommodating or understanding.

My days have got the lows and the mids, thanks for giving me the chance to speak my peace.