Other Vaginismus - treatment options/ outcome?

[Mee]

What an absolutely horrible doctor. I am so sorry. That's wrong for any doctor to imply that any vagina should be any particular way. Every body is unique and every woman has her own road with how her vagina works. I am so sorry.

This too.

And I would say also the whole ‘thing’ about how vaginas should be to be desirable has become really an issue to me. I wonder if the thing that I was complimented on and is cited as desirable might always have been a sign of trauma I wasn’t aware of? Is the thing people praise and aspire towards also a sign ( often) of tension and fear? This is getting very edgy for me so i’m Stopping here; but the whole ‘my life might have been a lie and the good things might be bad’ issue is HUGE here for me.


God, I am laughing and crying both because every word choice seems to have difficult doublé entendré.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I hope talking about it helps someone; saying you are glad you saw the thread makes me feel its worthwhile.

Absolutely! It was like a weight lifted off me when I saw someone talking about it. I had to have a biopsy under general anesthesia since I can't tolerate stuff like that, and my GYN is wonderful about PTSD. It still hurt a lot after, although I don't think it should, but I got through it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I wonder if the thing that I was complimented on and is cited as desirable

Me Too!!!

 

[rightkindofme]

I am starting with doing it every second day and feel pretty sore and sort of bruised/ like an uti between times. It’s very confusing with the idea of ‘respecting body warnings’ of red flags etc. Because my body says NO! To this but I have to do it. Feels really counterproductive compared to what I am doing in therapy and yesterday I definitely pushed myself beyond when I felt emotionally over stimulated during the day ( unrelated to this ) and its hard to create the difference of respecting listening g to body then and not here.

I was encouraged to start with twice a week so doing it every second day seems like a lot to me? No wonder your body is struggling with what feels like an intense new exercise regime!

It's kinda like a couch to 5k. You don't start out trying to run every day. :)

 

[Mee]

I was encouraged to start with twice a week so doing it every second day seems like a lot to me? No wonder your body is struggling with what feels like an intense new exercise regime!

It's kinda like a couch to 5k. You don't start out trying to run every day. :)

Yeah. I was told every second day, or three times a week

 

[Friday]

the whole ‘my life might have been a lie and the good things might be bad’ issue is HUGE here for me.

People who love sex get raped and abused, too.

No CSA, here. And no child abuse. And I loved sex before I was raped. And used sex as a coping mechanism after I was raped. Replacing every bad memory with 1,000 good ones. Regaining my sense of self & control. Relearning how to trust. Connecting with people. Blowing off steam. Stress management. Fun. Did being raped change my sex life? Absolutely. Not in a bad way. Or, at least, if we’re running numbers... maybe 86% in good ways, 14% in ways I had to -chose to- work around, deal with, etc. I don’t have to be grateful for being raped, to dig & be grateful the 86%. Because I love sex. Always have. Probably always will. Not entirely dissimilar to I HATE being pregnant, and giving birth blows, but that doesn’t mean I love my baby any less. Lots of amazing things are preceded -or even depend on- terrible things happening, first. It doesn’t make them a lie, or less amazing... nor does it make the terrible thing good or even better.

Another thing to consider?

Lying - knowing what the truth is, and deliberately decieving yourself/others
Being wrong - believing something that isn’t true
Learning - not knowing the whole truth... yet. Or even any of it. Yet.

Are 3 VERY different things.

For your whole life to have been a lie? First you’d have had to completely understand the truth, from day 1, and deliberately set out to deceive. Which isn’t what happened. Couldn’t have even been possible, as a kid. At worst? You were wrong. But probably? You’ve been learning. Who you are. What you love/like/shrug/dislike/hate. What you admire/respect/question/disavow/stand against.

I DO understand the chicken&egg “What IF?” questions. We’re hardwired to do that. It’s part of learning / cause&effect. If the burner is red, it’s hot, don’t touch it. But what if it’s black? Is it still hot? If you used a hot pad, would you still get burned? <<< and a thousand variations keep us alive as a species. But? There are a lot of things we’ll simply never know. Because they didn’t happen that way. Would I still have enlisted if I hadn’t grown up in the military? Would I still have gone to school for archeology if I’d never watched Indiana Jones? If I’d married G, if I’d left J, if C hadn’t died, if I’d said yes instead of no, if I’d gone here instead of there... What IF? Didn’t happen. It’s not a real place. So I try not to go there.

Would I love sex as much as I do if I’d never been raped? Shrug. No idea. I could say “yes” because I loved sex before being raped, but I know a helluva lot of people who also did, and hated it after, just like I know people who loved it the same/more/less after. Ditto I know people who loved it in the early days, and are bored by it in later days. So I really have no idea what I’d be like if my life had happened differently. But that doesn’t make loving sex a lie. The opposite, really. Because the what if’s aren’t real, and my actual life IS real.

My 2.02

 

[Mee]

I want to come back to this tomorrow or the next day- because there is so much wisdom here @Friday, thank you. Friend I have loved sex too; I think CSA and earlier adult date rape influenced my sexual identity but I have had a great time with sex too ( and less good times) ; just not after the incidents in 2017. :/. I think that the CSA definitely factors into my sexual choices, and reactions and yes... I maybe the particular thing I am thinking about. Not sure. I haven’t had time to raise it in therapy and to be honest i’m Not sure my therapist would know.

Anyway: I want to absorb what you said; because it’s good. I just want you to know I am doing that. ?

 

[Mee]

Ok; so there is so much to unpack in the ‘lie living’

I think to unpack what I was talking around I am going to be very frank and say the particular think that I was referring to when I made that comment was ‘tightness’ being desirable. I just don’t know because I have seen nothing written about this sort of societal unpacking or correlating tension with tightness and the idea that possibly something that is made much of could be an unwitting societal appreciation of .... fear? ( in the belief it’s the youth and commitment to pelvic floor exercise. )

But the comments you made, Friday, made me go into other stuff I have been slowly trying you pack little by little in therapy. :/. I think I can both have felt nervous about sex and been courageous and adventurous and enjoyed it concurrently.

The thing I find more troubling is that I find most of my sexual history does not have great consent in it without elaborate means taken. I do think that we, not men, all of us, are pretty bad about consent. I built quite elaborate boundaries into my sexual life to create as much safety as possible which- ironically- made it seem less safe to others, but made consent far more likely from my stand point. Shrug.

I would like to feel safe, with the one person I love in the room with me now. Shrug. I don’t think it’s such an outlandish want to feel safe in a monogamous relationship ?.

 

[Mee]

Ok,I wasn’t going to give updates but it’s been helpful to at least one person so I will update.

The recommendations from gynaecologist are actually going ok. At a surprising pace. Used as a dilator the small vibrator is now not causing pain on use. Moving it does. Also the idea of not relating it in anyway to masturbation is really interesting. I can feel when tension goes to my pelvis with the vibration much more easily. ( listening to impeachment proceedings.... high tension and discomfort, listening to a nidra focusing on pelvic relaxation= more easily releasing tension). And the vibration helps relax it out like a gentle massage. I can totally see that within a fortnight just half an hour of this will be less fretful and I will be able to progress to directing vibrations to sore spots on vaginal walls if the area stays relaxed. ( the next step once I can relax).

I truly thought it would take at least a couple of months to get to where I have got in really..... just days.

It’s probably stupid, but I hadn’t really thought of non sexual stress lodging in the pelvis other than ‘not being in the mood’. That it can actually result in tight or spasming muscles is a bit of a surprise; though.... it makes sense. I just , hadn’t really.... thought about it.

 

[The Albatross]

I flunked dilators … mix of both physical and psychological. Had to come to terms with the aspect of penetration straight up being painful and first he, then I just wouldn't endure more... as I ran out of available options. Couldn't afford a highly specialized (vag stretching) procedure at an upscale New England clinic (New Hampshire?). I remain abstinent/celibate in marriage though we just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary... been together for about 35 and a half years. Pelvic floor complications due to adhesions most likely underlying unresolved condition... back then. But relationally there is no stress/distress. It is accepted as a matter of course. No guilt/shame/blame. Marital status... solid though companionate in nature largely.

In life there are adversities... for everybody. The damage physically combined with trauma was just too severe to repair. We're both at peace and okay with that. Now.

Glad, Mee that you're responding to treatment.

 

[Mee]

@TheAlbatross Celibacy or non penetrative intimacy is a viable option. It’s one my DH says he prioritises over me damaging my mental health with this.

I think that for me the ‘late in sexual life’ onset of Vaginismus and it’s arrival after an established sexual life is making abstinence more difficult than persistence in trying for me.

I think also that I had penetrative sex after abuse and rape, and that the Vaginismus is onset after both of these though related makes me feel it’s very possible and psychological - Much like ptsd, I think it’s in the mind and the body for me.

I certainly, most emphatically do not feel an asexual relationship is in any way a lesser one. The strength, love, commitment my husband has shown me in this time and his reassurance our marriage is not about sex regardless of what happens has been exemplary to me of what a relationship devoid of abuse or manipulation or resentment should look like.

My motivation is that I want to have sex again. I miss it, I want sex with Him and because it was part of my .... identity? Health? I just feel like a regular sex life without pain is good for ME.

It absolutely is not good for someone who finds it unwanted for ANY reason. I am so happy to read you have an emotionally rewarding marriage It’s by FAR the most important part of relationship. And yes, even if we want the full package, I think better to have the great relationship and no sex than sex and no companionship. Shudder.

 

[Ellabella44]

I have been lucky enough to have my gynecologist send me to women's physical therapy. There is a kind female physical therapist there who helped me find massage spots for muscles in the hips that may be part of the cause for it. I had surgery last November for hysterectomy and rectocyle repair etc. I've basically had "the basement" renovated. I had tried things with toys because I didn't want us both to be dissapointed. And got sent there. The practice has started suggesting it for birth and surgery trauma.

I found a dialator kit on Amazon where the smallest ( about finger size) was also a vibrator. I worked with the physical therapist and gradually over a few months got to the largest one. She combined massage of pressure points, reki, calming music and aromatherapy.

I've only had a dire rape threat as a child ( when I was 8 or 9 my brother and I home alone with cousins who decided it would be fun to chase me through my home screaming they were going to do it when they caught me. I'd refused the older ones advances one time before this. My little brother kept them back when he could untill our mothers arrived back home from shopping) this event and being forced to abort by parents and neurologist at 18 at times make getting in the mood difficult.