Verbally Venting About My Despair

[Justmehere]

I just got home from two weeks in the hospital - I was discharged twice and re-admitted twice in less than 24 hours. This time, I'm home for good. I refuse to let my doc convince me to go back.

I became suddenly medically ill, and I somehow also suffered a tough injury to my leg too. In about 10 days, and with one discharge only to be sent back by my doc hours later - I was medically ok to go, but I crashed psychologically. I left the hospital, went to a family therapy session with just my mother and I - which was not the best idea... I left that session very hopeless and hurt.

I got home and I was faced with the fact that I couldn't run, swim, or even do my own laundry and getting to work caused so much pain I was fighting back tears the whole way there.

I had no one to help me, and someone with a transportation agency was really awful to me so I was left to seek quick alternatives that were even more painful.

I ended up suicidal and dragged myself to the ER and they kept me for a couple of days, on a mental health hold, in the ER. Yes, I was in the ER the whole time. It happens a lot in my area - very few psych beds to speak of. After 3 days of staring at the same walls of the same ER room, they let me leave.

I saw my therapist and she knew most of what happened. She didn't dump my care and the session went ok, I guess. She said we were going to go slow for a bit until I was through the holidays and recovered.

I tried to be ok. I tried to lean into her support.

I'm home. My mother is flying out for 4 days this next week and I am so depressed. I don't want to eat, can't sleep, and I'm staring at the same painfully impossible pile of laundry. Friends that could help are all busy with family....

Because of the medical condition that I'm still recovering from, I'm not supposed to run. I can't yet swim either. I can't dance - I can't even walk my dog. (The dog is getting her excessive at the park though.) I can't do many of the things I do to burn off steam or pull myself out of despair.

I think my therapist thinks badly of me. I'm not sure. Can't sort it out right now.

I can't seem to shake the sense of being an utter failure who needs to not exist in the world, for the sake of everyone else. I keep thing: I am so awful. I have really screwed up my life and I should be doing so much better. I keep trying to challenge these distorted ? thoughts but I'm sinking lower. I asked both the hospital and my doctor for an antidepressant and they both declined, saying they wanted a speciality psychiatrist to help. My insurance won't cover that and all this time off work has liked my finances. They know this...

So, I'm left to my own devices right now. To pull myself out of this.

I can't even bring myself to eat food, like at all, and it has nothing to do with body image. I want to run, so far away.

I'm sorry to whine, I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm drugged on new med's for my leg injury.

I keep thinking, "something is horribly wrong with me" and my therapist kept trying to encourage me to not give in to that thinking. I have a real medical condition, one that I ignored until my doctor ultimatums me into going to the hospital for... but this "something is horribly wrong with me" had nothing to do with anything medical. My therapist wanted me to "practice" saying to her, "I'm not damaged." "I'm not a problem." And when I tried, so became so anxious. Anxious!

What is wrong with me that this would make me so anxious?

I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

 

[ms spock]

Those distorted thoughts combined with being so physically ill, and then the snowball effect of everything that you are going through - wow you have had a rugged time of it @Justmehere. I know when you are in so much pain and you have not been giving any antidepressants AND it's Xmas as well as everything that has happened to you recently, and on top of that you one release = physical exercise has been taken from you - well it is not surprising that you are feeling so poorly.

So all that thinking that you must be gone so other people can be alive etc - just takes hold.

Hold on there @Justmehere - really ease up on yourself. Anyone who has gone through what you have gone through would be a in a terrible state - but add to that you have PTSD - hey that is not an easy situation you are living in there!

There is nothing so wrong with you that you are so anxious. The situation is anxiety producing and on top of that you have the corrosive self doubt.

That you are able to post and vent your despair on the forum is pretty amazing - you have been terribly ill.

 

[Rumors]

Very sorry you are feeling badly and are having a bad time. I don't know where you live, but if I were close I would certainly come and do your laundry! Holidays are incredibly hard without having extra stuff going on. I hope your mom helps and doesn't make it more difficult. Try to repeat what your t told you until it doesn't make you anxious anymore. I think we get anxious because those are things we have never been able to believe about ourselves so saying out loud makes it seem like a lie bc our internal mechanisms tell us differently. Be strong... Hugs if you can accept them.

 

[shimmerz]

I would do your laundry too! And anything else you needed. So very sorry you have had such a difficult time Justmehere.

And don't forget, you aren't alone. You have us!

 

[TXbandit]

I think we get anxious because those are things we have never been able to believe about ourselves so saying out loud makes it seem like a lie bc our internal mechanisms tell us differently.

This is so true!

So sorry you are having such a hard time, hun. Big hugs for you! Do hang in there and keep your head up.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you all so much for the support.

I'm in a pile of tears. My friends offline, my family, everything is tanking me. I'm crawling into bed trying to believe things won't always be this way. I can't type much. I will write more soon.