Hi, was searching in desperation and came across this website.
I’m not doing well again, keep breaking down and can’t cope with anything.
This is my first post so is going to be long and thank you for reading.
I know I have been triggered by me contacting someone I lived with quite a long time ago, I contacted him as I’m moving back to his State and really just thought maybe we could meet for a coffee sometime, it didn’t go further than thinking that.
His reaction has set me off in to the torture of rejection and abandonment I’ve felt my whole life.
My background is I was adopted at 2 months old it was very conditional love, if you were doing well that’s good but don’t bother me with anything else. I ended up marrying an abuser, looking back I knew it and married him anyway.
He would always tell me I was a piece of nothing, gave me the silent treatment for days then suddenly start talking like nothing happened. He badmouthed me so much nobody would talk to me.
I found my birth mother at the age of 42, she didn’t want to know me and stopped my siblings from keeping contact even though they wanted to. One day they just stopped writing, that was it, I wrote asking them please, just let me know if you don’t want contact, just let me know something but they didn’t. Complete silence.
My mother knew my husband was abusive but didn’t care, I had a daughter and she still didn’t care about the situation we were in. She said “I brought you kids up and now it’s my time”. I can look back and see she felt that from when I was 16 years old.
My husband would tell me “ You are alone deal with it”.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD after having to be hospitalized for not wanting to live, severe depressions.
That’s the short story of my life but there was much more abuse.
There is a theme of me feeling so alone, not good enough, not worthy of anything or anybody, it’s so deep it hurts so much.
Fast forward to 6 months ago when I had the dumb idea of contacting the man I lived with years ago. I guess I must actually feel desperate to know someone where I’m moving to.
I do realize I sound so childish but I just can’t help how I’m feeling or acting.
I contacted him on FB and he blocked me. I actually thought at the time we lived together that he didn’t like me, it wasn’t going well and he wouldn’t talk so one day I walked out. I was 22 at the time and when I called him later on for my mail, he sounded upset that I’d left which shocked me. I also left a phone bill which I completely forgot about so when he blocked me 6 months, I knew it was because of that.
I apologized through his brother on FB because I did want to say sorry for the bill and thinking that was the end, but he then unblocked me.
I messaged him and he ignored me again, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, the feeling of not being worthy of a reply is torture. I messaged again asking him please can he reply or block me if he has no intention of replying as I’m confused and he immediately “added a device to this conversation” which is an automated message that he signed in to my message on a new device, he however didn’t say a word. After looking up what it means, it means I see your messages and I’m choosing to ignore you. Wow. I fell apart. The ignoring again, I can’t stand it.
I know I should leave it alone and I’m not acting rationally, I messaged him to actually tell him how much this is bothering me and please can he say something or just go ahead and block me, his answer? I get an automated message he had added another device to this conversation and he said not one word.
I’m all worked up about it so I think I’ll end it and move on, I couldn’t leave it alone so I messaged him saying he’s a coward and he can’t even reply. This is a quick rendition, messaged him again to say I’m sorry I didn’t mean what I said in my angry message but I’m triggered and please can be block me as if I do it I’ll always wonder what was going on. I did this also thinking I just want this to end but yet again, silence.
My mind… I’m going back and forth constantly, crying, the immense feeling of feeling so unworthy of an even a reply, yet why is he doing this, why not block me. What kind of person ignores someone being so vulnerable and in one message I did tell him his silence is making me feel so unworthy but still silence.
I go over and over that he’s not a nice person to be doing this but it doesn’t help.
I finally messaged a few days ago and said I get the hint he doesn’t want contact and I’ll block him and move on as there’s no point, I then wished him well and to take care (???!!!!) i did that because I didn’t want him to think I’m angry.
I felt ok yesterday and now i feel insane again and crying all the time, it actually feels like physical pain it’s so bad. I’d never treat someone this way.
So, here I am wanting to unblock him and message him again and literally beg him for some kind of reaction, I’m stopping myself but it’s agony.
I’m not well, I feel crazy. Why can’t be just block me. I did say in my first apology for the phone bill message, if I knew he was married I’d never contact him. I actually don’t know if he’s married or not but if he is surely he’d keep me blocked.
I don’t know what to do, the overwhelming feeling to message him again as I just want I guess a nice ending if that makes sense. I know my brain would settle but I also know he won’t give me closure.
Does he hate me that much. I wish I’d never contacted him and feel like a loser , so foolish. I can’t stand when people play games, I feel stupid like he’s laughing at me.
On top of this, my beloved 13 year old dog, my best friend, went blind a year ago, he also has medial problems which entails me getting up at 4 am every morning to give him his meds and he has dementia and wanders around a lot at night. I get around 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night ( for the last few years) as I’m so stressed and can’t sleep properly, I’m so upset for him. I don’t know how I’m standing up sometimes.
Please, does anyone know how to feel peace from this? I’m so desperate. I feel I’m being tortured and can’t let it go. This whole thing has been such a set back. Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for why help.
I’m not doing well again, keep breaking down and can’t cope with anything.
This is my first post so is going to be long and thank you for reading.
I know I have been triggered by me contacting someone I lived with quite a long time ago, I contacted him as I’m moving back to his State and really just thought maybe we could meet for a coffee sometime, it didn’t go further than thinking that.
His reaction has set me off in to the torture of rejection and abandonment I’ve felt my whole life.
My background is I was adopted at 2 months old it was very conditional love, if you were doing well that’s good but don’t bother me with anything else. I ended up marrying an abuser, looking back I knew it and married him anyway.
He would always tell me I was a piece of nothing, gave me the silent treatment for days then suddenly start talking like nothing happened. He badmouthed me so much nobody would talk to me.
I found my birth mother at the age of 42, she didn’t want to know me and stopped my siblings from keeping contact even though they wanted to. One day they just stopped writing, that was it, I wrote asking them please, just let me know if you don’t want contact, just let me know something but they didn’t. Complete silence.
My mother knew my husband was abusive but didn’t care, I had a daughter and she still didn’t care about the situation we were in. She said “I brought you kids up and now it’s my time”. I can look back and see she felt that from when I was 16 years old.
My husband would tell me “ You are alone deal with it”.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD after having to be hospitalized for not wanting to live, severe depressions.
That’s the short story of my life but there was much more abuse.
There is a theme of me feeling so alone, not good enough, not worthy of anything or anybody, it’s so deep it hurts so much.
Fast forward to 6 months ago when I had the dumb idea of contacting the man I lived with years ago. I guess I must actually feel desperate to know someone where I’m moving to.
I do realize I sound so childish but I just can’t help how I’m feeling or acting.
I contacted him on FB and he blocked me. I actually thought at the time we lived together that he didn’t like me, it wasn’t going well and he wouldn’t talk so one day I walked out. I was 22 at the time and when I called him later on for my mail, he sounded upset that I’d left which shocked me. I also left a phone bill which I completely forgot about so when he blocked me 6 months, I knew it was because of that.
I apologized through his brother on FB because I did want to say sorry for the bill and thinking that was the end, but he then unblocked me.
I messaged him and he ignored me again, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, the feeling of not being worthy of a reply is torture. I messaged again asking him please can he reply or block me if he has no intention of replying as I’m confused and he immediately “added a device to this conversation” which is an automated message that he signed in to my message on a new device, he however didn’t say a word. After looking up what it means, it means I see your messages and I’m choosing to ignore you. Wow. I fell apart. The ignoring again, I can’t stand it.
I know I should leave it alone and I’m not acting rationally, I messaged him to actually tell him how much this is bothering me and please can he say something or just go ahead and block me, his answer? I get an automated message he had added another device to this conversation and he said not one word.
I’m all worked up about it so I think I’ll end it and move on, I couldn’t leave it alone so I messaged him saying he’s a coward and he can’t even reply. This is a quick rendition, messaged him again to say I’m sorry I didn’t mean what I said in my angry message but I’m triggered and please can be block me as if I do it I’ll always wonder what was going on. I did this also thinking I just want this to end but yet again, silence.
My mind… I’m going back and forth constantly, crying, the immense feeling of feeling so unworthy of an even a reply, yet why is he doing this, why not block me. What kind of person ignores someone being so vulnerable and in one message I did tell him his silence is making me feel so unworthy but still silence.
I go over and over that he’s not a nice person to be doing this but it doesn’t help.
I finally messaged a few days ago and said I get the hint he doesn’t want contact and I’ll block him and move on as there’s no point, I then wished him well and to take care (???!!!!) i did that because I didn’t want him to think I’m angry.
I felt ok yesterday and now i feel insane again and crying all the time, it actually feels like physical pain it’s so bad. I’d never treat someone this way.
So, here I am wanting to unblock him and message him again and literally beg him for some kind of reaction, I’m stopping myself but it’s agony.
I’m not well, I feel crazy. Why can’t be just block me. I did say in my first apology for the phone bill message, if I knew he was married I’d never contact him. I actually don’t know if he’s married or not but if he is surely he’d keep me blocked.
I don’t know what to do, the overwhelming feeling to message him again as I just want I guess a nice ending if that makes sense. I know my brain would settle but I also know he won’t give me closure.
Does he hate me that much. I wish I’d never contacted him and feel like a loser , so foolish. I can’t stand when people play games, I feel stupid like he’s laughing at me.
On top of this, my beloved 13 year old dog, my best friend, went blind a year ago, he also has medial problems which entails me getting up at 4 am every morning to give him his meds and he has dementia and wanders around a lot at night. I get around 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night ( for the last few years) as I’m so stressed and can’t sleep properly, I’m so upset for him. I don’t know how I’m standing up sometimes.
Please, does anyone know how to feel peace from this? I’m so desperate. I feel I’m being tortured and can’t let it go. This whole thing has been such a set back. Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for why help.
