Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[BloomInWinter]

I've been taking a forum break the past few weeks just trying to stabilize my baseline self and spend more time with my kids.

I've noticed a pattern in my PTSD over the past months.

• Something ups my activation level
• If something else sends my activation level up, I get anxious
• When I'm in my anxious state, if something triggers me, I activate into hypervigilance
• My vigilance feels awful; SUDS at about 6-7 for hours (or days!) before I even REALIZE I'm in vigilance (again!)
• Once I recognize it, I take steps to ground myself, practice distraction, journal, or exercise to 'stand down' the vigilance
• Then the vigilance guard on the wall stands down, and the wall gets breached
• ...and yet another traumatic memory comes through
• ...and keeps having others right behind it related to the trauma

...and, I feel better for awhile. My baseline gets reshifted to a more relaxed state until the next one.

I hope, at some point, I get to finally stop being in this vigilance state. I get so disassociated sometimes it frightens me how much of my day I'm on 'automatic pilot' before I realize it.

For me, the vigilance is my most distressing ongoing symptom right now. The flashbacks come fast and terrifying when I'm in vigilance and I feel like I'm lost in the wilderness all alone at night.

When I'm in vigilance, any little noise gets treated by my nervous system with the same response as someone jumping out from behind a door and screaming 'BOO!'.

Trying to not react to these noises according to what my nervous system is telling me is so exhausting and overwhelming that I numb out just to give myself a break and be able to function in the real world. But it's really rough.

I have to take a break again. Too much vigilance is getting to me again this afternoon. :dontknow:

 

[Iam]

Wow Bloom, I hope you are feeling better today. I think it is awesome that you were actually able to figure out the pattern. I would think that it will help you to recognize it earlier and therefor be able to ground yourself much faster before it gets out of hand. Good work!

 

[cusco01810]

I've been taking a forum break the past few weeks just trying to stabilize my baseline self and spend more time with my kids.

I've noticed a pattern in my PTSD over the past months.

• Something ups my activation level
• If something else sends my activation level up, I get anxious
• When I'm in my anxious state, if something triggers me, I activate into hypervigilance
• My vigilance feels awful; SUDS at about 6-7 for hours (or days!) before I even REALIZE I'm in vigilance (again!)
• Once I recognize it, I take steps to ground myself, practice distraction, journal, or exercise to 'stand down' the vigilance
• Then the vigilance guard on the wall stands down, and the wall gets breached
• ...and yet another traumatic memory comes through
• ...and keeps having others right behind it related to the trauma

...and, I feel better for awhile. My baseline gets reshifted to a more relaxed state until the next one.


I hope, at some point, I get to finally stop being in this vigilance state. I get so disassociated sometimes it frightens me how much of my day I'm on 'automatic pilot' before I realize it.

For me, the vigilance is my most distressing ongoing symptom right now. The flashbacks come fast and terrifying when I'm in vigilance and I feel like I'm lost in the wilderness all alone at night.

When I'm in vigilance, any little noise gets treated by my nervous system with the same response as someone jumping out from behind a door and screaming 'BOO!'.

Trying to not react to these noises according to what my nervous system is telling me is so exhausting and overwhelming that I numb out just to give myself a break and be able to function in the real world. But it really rough.

I have to take a break again. Too much vigilance is getting to me again this afternoon. :dontknow:

When I get to hypervigalant I feel the same way I feel disassciated and all of me senses are overloaded.My head is a jumble of conversations as I hear everthing and my eyes pick up everthing to the minest detail It's disconcerning. In social settings I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Deep breathing usually resolves it for me.If it lasts to long I take a med to mellow me out. I don't really drive anymore because me eyes are picking up everything except what's on the road. I single leaf in a tree two hundred yards away will distract me from the road.

 

[Sad Nicola]

Hi

This was really interesting for me because I have just started getting analytical about my own emotional states and how my anxiety goes up and down with various life events. I can identify with your shifts from vigilance to hypervigilance.

I don't think that I ever come out of 'vigilance' because I have had the exaggerated startle reflex for the last 6 years without any break that I can recall. Even the noise of our fridge when the defroster kicks in is enough to make me jump, and heaven knows that is a noise I should be used to by now.

I keep my baseline anxiety down with meditation - which I find much more powerful than relaxation/deep breathing alone. Also, for people with imagination, it can be a lot of fun too. It took some work before I could control the intrusive thoughts sufficiently to be able to use imagery within the meditation, but am quite good at it know. I can even get away with it at work if I use earphones to block out most of the noise around me.

What frustrates me is that although most of the time I can 'observe' what is happening to me, sometimes I seem to be triggered by something I can't identify - I guess the pattern-matching our brains do sometimes works on things out of the reach of our conscious minds - smells maybe, or sequences of events that can be recognised at some level, but not reacalled explicitly. When that happens I feel out of control and despair of ever getting a handle on this thing.

Anyway thanks for the helpful and thought-provoking perspective.

Nicola

 

[dhawkins78412]

I dont' think hypervigilence will ever go away. Medication has helped me be a bit; calming me and not feel so overwhelmed. I have to have periods of being a hermit to regroup. . And I just like to be alone.

 

[BloomInWinter]

After seeing my pattern of the vigilance pushing on me, pushing on me, pushing on me until I finally submit and let the memory through...wow. When do I get a day off from these feelings?!

I now think the high anxiety might be NECESSARY to break through the walled off traumatic mems (memories)...and the scared person in me *yells in my head* "why in the world would I want to believe THAT?!"

Because then I have to admit that healing is going to mean more and more painful episodes. And..that blunting that anxiety with alcohol or other drugs, food, codependency, or workaholism, or busyaholism, or whatever just prolongs (and did prolong) that eventual confrontation of that mem.

I just started telling my dear hubby (after 13 years of marriage!) about some of the things that happened to me in my childhood....a childhood that until the past few months, I couldn't remember. I didn't *want* to remember. My friends & hubby didn't know the child I was, and I never allowed anyone in. It's easy to see why I felt close to nobody...I hadn't shared these things with anyone.

The memories have me feeling like my world is shattering, but I *know* it's just the false "I'm totally fine now...none of that affected me" fake world that is shattering.

I'm only now seeing the injured pieces of my self, and they hurt when I look at them. But I know...I have hope now for a better future because of this pain. Still...

 

[just me here]

maybe I don't suffer from hypervigilance. I thought I did but what you are talking about sounds much more involved and debilitating.

I am "hypervigilant" when driving, to the point that I get headaches, sore muscles, and carry adrenaline ovrload into the next day, but I don't ever jump at noises, or startle like described here by you guys.

Maybe I am just desensitised to it by working in loud dangerous environments most of my life, and shooting competitively back in the eighties. Maybe my hearing loss is enough to buffer it, I don't know.

I am always on edge and ready, I sit facing the door at restaraunts, I can't relax at all if I know there is a parking space right outside the wall I am sitting next to, I worry about someone getting the gas and brake mixed up, it happens alot and I can't relax where I would be hurt by it. I can never relax sitting in traffic, in a crowd, in a movie theater, on a bus, anywhere that missing a detail or not seeing a danger could be dangerous.

The only sounds that startle me are the sounds of car crashes I hear in my dreams that wake me up in adrenaline sweat about 2 or 3 times a month lately. Thats been going on so long I didn't even mention it to my therapist until she started talking about PTSD.

 

[BloomInWinter]

maybe I don't suffer from hypervigilance.

Sure sounds like hypervigilance to me, even if the focus of it (the sensors that get tripped) is different.

I'm not always sure if it's hypervigilance or disassociation...they tend to crash into each other sometimes. Please don't judge yourself based on my clumsy descriptions. I may be perceiving all of my cr-- wrong. I'm just a beginner to this diagnosis.

Parts of my hypervigilance have been desensitized by exposure. I used to not be able to tolerate my kid's yelling, but since I gave them permission to be loud in our home, I barely notice it now. Most of the time. ;>

So it's entirely possible you do have hypervigilance but it's just different for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought that I wasn't hypervigilant because I don't usually startle as easily (I thought), though when I do it's thru the roof. But I scored really high? Think it's because of not being able to sleep. Then I thought of the night sweats.. then the fact I'm 'vigilant' about anything of concern, that's my 'normal' state .. etc ETC:rolleyes:- geez. So I guess it comes out in different ways.

I think you are totaaly correct BloomInWinter, it is a line of defense to try to stop us from recalling/ re-living everything.

 

[Sad Nicola]

I now think the high anxiety might be NECESSARY to break through the walled off traumatic mems (memories)...and the scared person in me *yells in my head* "why in the world would I want to believe THAT?!"

Because then I have to admit that healing is going to mean more and more painful episodes. And..that blunting that anxiety with alcohol or other drugs, food, codependency, or workaholism, or busyaholism, or whatever just prolongs (and did prolong) that eventual confrontation of that mem.
...

The memories have me feeling like my world is shattering, but I *know* it's just the false "I'm totally fine now...none of that affected me" fake world that is shattering.

I'm only now seeing the injured pieces of my self, and they hurt when I look at them. But I know...I have hope now for a better future because of this pain. Still...

I think you are so brave, confronting all this. I see where you are coming from with 'high anxiety' as this is when I went through withe the most recalI and best resolution with my last T, painful as it was. But I still can't quite figure out what is my main issue. I know I was physically abused and neglected by my parents and that I was also sexually abused by an uncle - but I can't seem to access most of my childhood memories - I have very few of them and I feel that I can't move on until I have more. There's definitely something there that I can't access that I need to know. How do we get to that place where it becomes clear?

Strength and healing to you
Love
Nicola

 

[LikeCharlotte]

I wanted to add that once I discoverd my pattern it helped me avoid larger episodes. At first it took a long time to get myself out of it but the more I practiced being aware of myself the more I was able to get out of it sooner. It doesnt always work but it is really much better. I had a list similar to yours many years ago but I no longer use it. Your post has made me want to recreate that list as things haven't been as peaceful as I would like latley. :)

 

[anni]

I just wished to argue a little on the whole 'clumsy description' sefl analysis. Hee! Hardly! It's been extraordinarily clear, plus engaging, listening to you dig around in your head and come up with all the gold coins, as it were. That's some metal detector you have there, whew!

My hyper vigilence kind of fled, outwardly, after yearssss of it. It's mostly internal now, where the heart does that big fat rollll when the door bell rings, etc, but I've been in flat freeze mode for gosh, years also now I think. I kind of hope I'd even duck, were some missile flung at my head since seriously- i just do not move, like some objective observer of events. The kids think it's hysterical to jump at me from various places and sort of compete to get a reaction, although I keep telling them they're GOING to kill me off one of these days. :)