Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[kers]

But beneath that fear and anxiety - I revel in relationships and intimate/honest conversations, and one of my greatest loves is people. I just struggle massively in dealing with them in certain situations.

This is a great description, superjen. I find that my life gets limited by all the conditions I have on my interactions with people--noise, proximity, number of people in a group, their gender or size or vocal qualities, etc. Even though I am an introvert, I do love being with friends and others. It's just hard to do because of all that it can set off in me.

 

[Iam]

Still working on the vigilance...and it's beating me up.

I'm looking forward to being able to step down the vigilance sooner. Hasn't happened yet.

Hang in there Bloom, it will let down. I know how exhausting it is to maintain that vigilance even though it's the subconscious doing it. Please be kind to and patient with yourself. You are working hard and making great progress. I do hope you see that. You love deeply, you are sweet and kind. You extend that generosly to others, you deserve it too. (((HUGS)))

 

[just me here]

I think I am learning more about my hypervigilance as I spend more time with this diagnosis. Yesterday was like a perfect storm of triggers for me, and I watched myself get worse and worse with each one. Eventually I was to the point that I thought I saw a legitimate life threat and my wife who was right there and had the better view said that what I saw was no threat, not even remotely. Thats an eye opener.

I wonder if I have always missed my hypervigilance because I was busy being really angry and aggressive, now I am being more observant and objective and seeing the changes in myself as an unwanted response, instead of being deep inside what I used to think was a justified state of extreme anger.

Yesterday I actually got dizzy and teared up. How long have I missed that symptom because all I could think about when triggered was my strong desire to provide some hammerhead with a lesson their daddy didn't love them enough to give them?

I am saddened by the amount of time and energy I have invested in trying to avoid what has probably been a long line of perceived but not true threats. And the amount of time and energy I have wasted reacting to them.

Hypervigilance is a tough one to overcome but it couldn't be as hard as living with it has been.

 

[blueangel371115]

yes it is. I deal with it daily. Then it triggers my rage. Scary. I hate it. I feel threatened by little things.

 

[njray]

! yr anniversary today since attack... I do not even want to get out of this chair.......

 

[BloomInWinter]

! yr anniversary today since attack... I do not even want to get out of this chair.......

(((((njray)))))

Sending you wishes for comfort, transformation of your trauma into healing and remembrance, and deep, restful, healing sleep...

 

[BloomInWinter]

Amazing how the vigilance just comes back and is right. f'in. there. Full-force. NO WARNING.

UGH! @#$#!@!!!!!

 

[KP the nut]

! yr anniversary today since attack... I do not even want to get out of this chair.......

(((HUGE HUGS)))

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Kath))))))

Whatever gets you through...chocolate, tea, dancing naked in your livingroom....

Anniversaries SUCK.

But they end.

 

[Powder]

I don't feel hyperV as I used to. I do have more physical symptoms. Like someone said above, when I have to work around people, like go to meetings, that are not routine, or even if they are, I feel drained and tired all the way into the next day(s), just really worn out and hungry, shaky. I hold my body in a tense, shaky way and at this time, I cannot help it yet. Maybe it's anxiety. When I am sitting in meetings, I appear to be doing nothing but thinking, but I am working very hard to not show the level of anxiety I am experiencing, only that b/c of having PTSD or who I am now, I cannot identify what is causing it, triggering it, or what "it" even is. I do notice I feel fear and anger or frustration, but I don't know where it is coming from or who it is directed to. There is a feeling of not being able to trust others in work situations, especially in the politically-charged government work I do. I haven't felt this much anxiety at college, even grad school, or in other situations, maybe a little at Church. I watch everyone's body language and try to notice everything to stay ahead of "the game" and don't feel very safe.
Does this sound like PTSD when it happens all the time and I can't seem to relax and just "not care" about stuff. That plus panic attacks? I am looking for the "test" on the site. I'll keep trying to find it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

*Sad and hopeless*

Been fighting vigilance for several days. Hubby just read me the riot act for being 'too jumpy'...he doesn't get it. At ALL!

 

[justwannabeme]

Thanks all for sharing. Wednesday I had the worse meltdown I ever experienced. Really scared the crap out of me. Couldn't get off the kitchen floor for hours, and nothing happened during the day. It was just a day.
And then Thursday the shit hit the fan again with my daughter and grand childern with her ex punching her in the face with the kids there, he was waiting for her when she got off the elavator. Did it again today, took the two babies 1 & 2 years old, the 9 year old was there he stole the kids and her keys, he stole her keys last weekend, but they were my keys, so he had my car keys and house keys for the weekend...he finally got arrested today, I went to where the babies were to pick them up, wasn't sure if it was a set up or not. And nothing, no meltdown.They will call us to let us know if he gets out, its really not if, its when...he is the teflon man. nothing sticks to him. I lost it at the child welfare office today when they wanted to pull them out of their home again to a shelter or my house....Hello, he had my keys, I live alone..he knows where the shelters are. Instead of spending all this time trying to uproot the family....find him and arrest him!!!! There was a fire in an apt building, there were 5 police cars there, and he drove past them to get to her. They didn't like to hear that, and I told them the press would hear it also if we had to continue living in terror because of one person. Never stoped being vigilance. My T wants me to try sleeping pills, I hate them. If I am going to wake up with a hangover, I'm drinking first, and since I just had my 24 yr AA birthday, he hated that answer!