Vulnerability and pulling away

[hymnless]

Hi guys

I had a very vulnerable moment in therapy a couple weeks ago and then I panicked and completely shut down. What’s funny is that the vulnerability didn’t even come from me (shocking)- it came from my therapist. I’d emailed her some questions about her past (she’d disclosed a few months ago that she’s been where I am- which is in the middle of trying to figure wtf to do with my life now that I’m trying to process some sexual abuse stuff) and promptly forgot about both the email and the questions. She brought it up last week and to my total surprise, she answered all of them. She was completely appropriate in the amount of information she shared, but it was still emotional to hear someone I care about going through the same things that I did. Her answers were so incredibly helpful and for the first time I don’t feel completely alone.

It made me think A LOT, which led to pretty much the only moment of clarity I’ve had over the past couple years. It was a lot of feels all at once, but it was also something that really needed to happen and I’m glad it did. I’ve only been seeing her like 7 months and I have a very difficult time talking, but she’s easier to talk to than most of the other therapists I’ve seen. I ended up telling her about the shift I was able to have in my thinking and then.... I was done. Went into a huge panic and was completely shut down for the second half of the session. Not great. This happens to me every time I gain a little bit of trust in someone- it’s just that usually I act like a jerk to push away rather than panicking and refusing to talk. It’s so frustrating! We were making progress and then it was just over.

TLDR- how do you come back from a shut down after sharing something or having a moment of trust with your therapist?

 

[Lamename01234]

I have been lately telling myself to do the opposite of whatever I am feeling. I had a shut down moment last week during an EMDR session that focused on oral r**e. My warm t that I am attached to was very caring more then her normal self and I panicked. Stopped talking and checked out for the rest of the hour.
I composed the I am quitting email several times, went to hit send, then stopped and really thought about it. Knowing if I quit I would regret it and it would send me spinning. I also knew my life would be more of the same. So I stopped and did the opposite. I told her I wanted to quit but instead I was going to write out all the hard stuff and give it to her, including my first mention of transference. I still want to run but even more I want to get better, not be stuck, get sober and that takes more courage then running and hiding.

 

[hymnless]

I have been lately telling myself to do the opposite of whatever I am feeling. I had a shut down...

Damn! That's awesome! Proud of you.

I've written that same email so many times and sent it once. Was encouraged to have an actual conversation outside of email and, well, never left therapy lol. When I panicked and she asked if I wanted to end early it took everything in me not to take her up on it. In fact, from the second I started to panic all I could think was that I needed out right that moment. Then I realized that all that would happen if I left was that I'd be panicking alone. At least if I stay I'm allowing someone else to see me like that and that seems like maybe I'm trying to build trust? Idk. It made me feel better in the moment and less like I was failing therapy.

 

[Freida]

For the first year or so my panicking and thinking about bailing was a pretty regular occurrence with my T. She told me to ask myself why -- and it always came down to panicking that I was trusting her. I didn't do anything to make it stop ...it just kind of fizzled out after a while.

 

[Rumors]

I have been lately telling myself to do the opposite of whatever I am feeling. I had a shut down...

That is awesome! I will tell you based on my experience that you need to be sober to do emdr. It might make you want to drink, but you need to be pretty clear headed without any pharmaceuticals or alcohol. I think the thing that strikes me about what you posted is how determined you are to feel better. I have been exactly where you are in that I have tried to quit. I even texted my therapist, "hey thanks but I can't do this anymore...it isn't no you, it's me.." She basically texted back, "no that's not acceptable... see you Monday." I am totally grateful for her response bc I would have bailed and I am in such a better place now. Share all you can with your therapist and know that your attitude will carry you a long way in your healing. Good luck!

 

[Mee]

That is awesome! I will tell you based on my experience that you need to be sober to do emdr. It might m...

No pharmaceuticals at all? No meds?
That rules it out for me. I take meds that impact mood for a physical condition too. I actively avoid taking things where I can but having missed an anti depressant my mistake recently I know that is not a sensible downgrade in my near future

 

[Lamename01234]

I will tell you based on my experience that you need to be sober to do emdr. It might make you want to drink, but you need to be pretty clear headed without any pharmaceuticals or alcohol.

For me it is smoking pot. I do not smoke on my therapy day but that is it. It is the only way I knew how to dealing with feeling. I don't drink at all. She has supported me in taking an anti-depressant and gabapentin because I am also depressed and get overwhelmed easily.

 

[Rumors]

No pharmaceuticals at all? No meds?
That rules it out for me. I take meds that impact mood for a phys...

Prescribed pharmaceuticals but I can tell you that anything you take to numb or deaden pain and emotion could interfere with the progress of emdr. You may want to talk to your psychiatrist who prescribes before you venture in to the emdr and let them know what you are working on. Good luck!

For me it is smoking pot. I do not smoke on my therapy day but that is it. It is the only way I k...

Sorry you are struggling. I know pot moves out of your system pretty quickly, however I would encourage you to take a week away from it and see how you are better able to work on things. It’s tough!!! Sorry!

 

[Mee]

Thanks.

EMDR might not be right for me right now then :(. I do not think being without my antidepressant in the immeadiate future is in my best interest:(

 

[Rumors]

Thanks.

EMDR might not be right for me right now then :(. I do not think being without my antidepressan...

I didn't say you had to be without it, merely suggested you check in with your p-doc. Let them know and help you navigate everything. I am on anti-depressants and I didn't need to adjust mine bc I am on a baby dose but we discussed what was needed.

 

[Freida]

I can take my antidepressant while I'm doing emdr but no benzos/ anti anxiety meds on the day of or the day after. No xanex, valium, that type of thing because it can stop the processing - which just slows the overall process down

 

[EveHarrington]

I act like it didn’t happen.

Last week I was very shut down.

This week my therapist made a comment about the therapy dog in the waiting room so we just started talking about therapy dogs for the first few minutes before moving on to other issues.