Hmmm. The material I have put together so far doesn't have anything much to do with the connection of shame and vulnerability. The topic of the discussion was Vulnerability... so that's pretty much what I did with some extra added bonus stuff that was helpful to me personally.[DOUBLEPOST=1399167736,1399167625][/DOUBLEPOST]Actually "Just do it" is the how, it is exercising the atrophied "risk being uncomfortable" muscle. My mantra here for the past three years has been the Niki slogan (before I dug into the Brown material) "Just do it."[DOUBLEPOST=1399168001][/DOUBLEPOST]"BB is asking us to ignore red flags."
No she's not. From what I started to prepare: “It takes work and practice,” she says. She argues becoming truly authentic and compassionate and connected doesn’t happen magically. “You have to get deliberate.” Deliberate. As in, not flaccidly expecting it to just happen, but, making it happen with focused techniques. Applied with fired-up focus. This means actively letting go of certainty.
Do you stall on decisions by asking everyone else around you their opinion? Brown deliberately notes when this happens. “It’s a red flag.” It means gripping at certainty. When this happens stop and deliberately sit in the “not knowing” a bit longer. A gut instinct will then always emerge.
Her green flag is discomfort. When she feels antsy she turns a ring on one of her fingers and reminds herself, “This is supposed to be uncomfortable…it means something is growing.” Sitting in discomfort also builds strength – a reservoir of resilience – for the truly tough times."[DOUBLEPOST=1399168233][/DOUBLEPOST]Okay so here's what I got on shame since the conversation has evolved to include it. I'm just going to cut and paste and if I want to I'll add some personal commentary later
Part 1: EMPOWERMENT is her bag. She talks a lot about life skills and HOW to live. “Knowing what I do now, I think about shame and worthiness in this way: 'It's the album, not the picture.' If you imagine opening up a photo album, and many of the pages are full eight-by-ten photos of shaming events, you'll close that album and walk away thinking, Shame defines that story. If, on the other hand, you open that album and see a few small photos of shame experiences, but each one is surrounded by pictures of worthiness, hope, struggle, resilience, courage, failure, success, and vulnerability, the shame experience are only a part of a larger story. They don't define the album.” ― Brené Brown
“…if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness — that’s what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness — they have a strong sense of love and belonging — and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if their good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy.”
Be daring, courageous, willing to be your authentic self committedly and (yes) be willing to be vulnerable.. “Show up. Be seen. Live brave.”
VULNERABILITY: “Courage is borne out of vulnerability, not strength. This is the finding of Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability, shame and "wholeheartedness". “We live in a vulnerable world, says social researcher Brené Brown. And what do we do in the face of this vulnerability? We numb it.
But Dr. Brown says we cannot selectively numb emotion. When we do, we anesthetize personal joy and gratitude and happiness. In today's society, we are masters of this numbing, but there are those out there who "lean" into their vulnerability and fragility. They are our teachers, the ones who can model a way forward to love wholeheartedly and see ourselves for who we are. World Domination Summit 2012 - Portland, OR The key, says Dr. Brown, is to acknowledge that we are "wired for struggle." Her solution: let ourselves be seen, deeply and vulnerably, by others; love others wholeheartedly even though there's no guarantee of reciprocation; practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror; and believe we are enough.
"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage" Brené Brown says. “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”
Does this mean that practicing vulnerability is practicing courage? This then seems to lead to the "fact" that practicing vulnerability, risks the experience of shame/being shamed by others. Brené Brown, from my understanding, offers multiple suggestions:
1. Question our assumptions - e.g. Is vulnerability really a weakness or can it be seen as a strength?
2. Redefine one's perception of what constitutes failure and what constitutes success. "Entering the arena" is an act of success no matter what the critics "judge"
3. Be willing to step out of one's comfort zone
4. Develop & practice empathy
5. Shift ones perceptions about the price one pays for vulnerability. To see that there is more to gain (than to lose) from practicing vulnerability and confronting shame. There is greater suffering in staying small than in daring greatness
6. Confront the practices of "secrecy, silence, (and) judgment"
7. It would be great if people shared their metaphors for vulnerability and shame and how this can be changed. For example, flying under the radar can be turned around to "stepping into the arena"
SHAME:
Brene Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory - When discussing shame and behavioral health we are posed with the question of the chicken or the egg. Meaning, which came first the behavioral health issue or the shame? Does a behavioral health issue fuel individual experiences of shame? Or, does shame fuel the desire to act-out/cope with a compulsive behavior? The answer is probably both! In either case the goal is shame resiliency.
The grounded theory of Shame Resilience by Brene’ Brown consists of four elements. As Dr. Brown discusses, these elements are not necessarily linear but for the sake of format and easy discussion they will be presented in a linear way. Each step in the shame resilience model is placed on a continuum with dualities represented on each end of the continuum. Each part of the process is indispensable but does not necessarily happen in this order:
1. Recognizing Shame & Triggers
2. Practicing Critical Awareness
3. Reaching Out
4. Speaking Shame[DOUBLEPOST=1399168364][/DOUBLEPOST]Part 2
COMMITTING/COMMITMENT: Committing to everything I do. Even the small stuff, like deciding to eat lunch at 12.30, not 1.30. Or heading out the door for my morning run at 7 and not 9. Or whatever.
Because every time I commit, it builds up my deliberate muscle. Even if the decision might not be ideal, I’m practicing committing.
WHOLEHEARTED LIVING: Wholehearted living — a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness. “When we’re anxious, disconnected, vulnerable, alone, and feeling helpless, the booze and food and work and endless hours online feel like comfort, but in reality they’re only casting their long shadows over our lives.” ― Brené Brown
Brene Brown’s idea is wholehearted living – a style of living in which you are fully yourself in everything that you do, in a way that you feel worthy (of respect, of belonging etc.) Wholehearted living, which she defines as containing courage, compassion, deliberate boundaries, and connection. “Wholeheartedness. There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.” “Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. I often say that Wholeheartedness is like the North Star: We never really arrive, but we certainly know if we're headed in the right direction.” ― Brené Brown
She has defined 10 guideposts for personal introspection, which involve cultivating some positive quality, whether it be authenticity, self-compassion, or a resilient spirit, intuition, meaningful work, or laughter: Cultivate and practice these:
- Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what people think. This is an important concept for those with eating disorders as they often must let go of how they believe other people and/or society see them.
- Cultivating Self-Compassion – letting go of perfectionism. Research has clearly linked perfectionism with eating disorders. This chapter deals with changing the way you think of yourself, from a stance of self-criticism to one of self-compassion.
- Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – letting go of numbing and powerlessness. Donald Meichenbaum expounds on the cultivation of resilience as an important component for managing PTSD.
- Cultivating Gratitude and Joy – letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark. Changes the way we view the world and is/can be beneficial for depressive symptoms.
- Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – letting go of the need of certainty. A reviewer, in the mental health field’s comments: “Faith So many people need or want to know if something will turn out well before they will change. I know many of my clients have had a hard time trusting the idea that recovery can work or that life without their eating disorder is a life they are interested in. Sometimes we have to take risks and let go of certainty.”
- Cultivating Creativity – letting go of comparison. Teaches how to reconnect with enjoyment and abandoning self-criticism or judgment.
- Cultivating Play and Rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth. How are you prioritizing your life? Do play and rest have an important place on your to-do list?
- Cultivating Calm and Still – letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle. We all need space in our lives for quiet reflection and meditation. This means actively letting go of anxiety rather than getting caught up in. What would your life be like if you weren’t anxious?
- Cultivating Meaningful Work – letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”. , Brown does acknowledge the important of having meaningful work in our lives in order to gain self-worth. However, this is more about what you find meaning in, rather than what society or other people tell you to find meaning in.
- Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance – letting go of being “cool” and always in control. Having fun with people we love builds relationships and lets us see each other when we aren’t always “in control.” Have you laughed today?
A selection of quotes from her material:
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” ― Brené Brown
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ― Brené Brown
“Numb the dark and you numb the light.” ― Brené Brown
“The willingness to show up changes us, It makes us a little braver each time.” ― Brené Brown
“Worrying about scarcity is our culture's version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we've been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability) we're angry and scared and at each other's throats.” ― Brené Brown
“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.” ― Brené Brown
“Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.” ― Brené Brown
“For me, vulnerability led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light.” ― Brené Brown
