Relationship Waiting

[Angus McGee]

For me, my wife and I have been married for 21 years this Thursday. The trial of her PTSD is by far, the most difficult trial we have ever been through as a couple. I can appreciate the "some times it's best to walk away" mindset, but I know that for me, that is the opposite of what needs to happen.

From the day this all started, she talked about me "letting her go". Sometimes through tears, sometimes through a stoic, business like tone. I know my wife well enough to know that she isn't asking me to give up on her as much as it is giving me permission to if I wanted to. Granted, it would seem to be such an easy thing to do just that. Give up, find some hot new woman to love on, and have a wonderful rosy life from here on out. I know in my heart of hearts that that isn't the right thing to do. TIme and time again, people have turned their backs on my wife, and walked away from her. She thinks that that is normal procedure. I want her to know that it isn't.

With all that being said, she has gone out and gotten her own apartment to live in while she gets treatment. I don't think that our marriage is over at this point. She will always be welcome home whenever she wants. However, the choice is hers. I told her time and time again that I am there for whatever she needs, whenever she needs it. Yet, she still insists on being on her own. I gave her my "blessing" to take this step in the hopes that yes, it will help, and yes, she will come home if not healed, then well on her way to that goal. However, I'm not going to insist she move home nor will I won't fight any divorce paperwork if she chooses that path. The choice is hers.

I believe I have done everything I can to help her, while still giving her all the freedom she needs, or even think she needs to get through this.

I will wait, and continue to wait as long as it takes until some sort of decision is made on her part. The decision will be hers to make.

I will not walk away.

 

[May1321]

isn't asking me to give up on her as much as it is giving me permission to if I wanted to. Granted, it would seem to be such an easy thing to do just that.

....

TIme and time again, people have turned their backs on my wife, and walked away from her. She thinks that that is normal procedure. I want her to know that it isn't.

I see this first point very well... along with the reasons behind it stated in the second. I fear that this is part of me, too, and a piece that I am fighting with the second.

I know that I am in a better position to heal myself first... and after rereading this and your post Angus, I continue to believe I'm on the right-'ish' path... but I think I need more armor. Armor to protect myself from my own fears and the emotional spiral down that I can easily get wrapped up in with my sufferer.

For a while there, I could 'Let go, Let God'... but then I weaken and have to rebuild again. Usually after my own therapy appointments. I know what I need to focus on there now...

The decision will be hers to make.

I feel the same way. I made my choice. Long ago when I was 'dating' and my sufferer wanted to be my boyfriend. He told me he could wait for my decision because he already knew the answer. It didn't take me long to make my decision and give him that answer because deep down, I knew it too.

Is he the right person for me in my future? Some days I think so but now days I don't know. I honestly don't know if I could live without the other half of him. I struggle with the rejection of my compliments and love. I know it will be there but the patience part is hard. And the fear of him hurting me is hard. But this thing he is going through is not worth filling the void with someone new and totally going against why I waited to get into a serious relationship again for so long before choosing to be in one with him. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

'Let go, Let God', or as my "T" keeps telling me, 'When in doubt, shut your mouth.'

The choice is his. And my choice is 'To Live'. But I don't want to just 'give up and walk away' when I feel part of it could just be fear of the worse case happening. I've been on that losing end before... it never works out for the best.

 

[valdoodle]

I keep coming back to this fantastic post too because I am also struggling with letting go. When my partner of 14 years left 7 weeks ago he said he couldn't handle a relationship.

He has kept a key to my house to feed our cat while I am at work. He spends quite a lot of time at the house when I'm not there, because he doesn't like his flat, but can become tense when I am home.

We spent a bad day together a week ago (because of the stress of him giving up smoking) and he went home after shouting at me for getting upset when he said there was no relationship and he was never coming back. He then rang me on the Monday to ask me to drop something off where he works for him. He there referred to me as his partner and gave me a really loving look. Saturday he rang me as he had some firewood for me and then invited me to tea and cooked my favourite dinner. We listened to music and found out our favourite band was touring. When I went home I got tickets for us to see them as something to look forward to. When I told him and he blew his top saying that he did not want me, he was never coming back and there would never be an us. Is it me, or are these mixed messages? I sometimes think I must be incredibly stupid or too close to this to see it clearly.

I can't do this any more. It is breaking me. I am trying my hardest not to phone or txt unless I have something purposeful to say. I wonder if it is now time to let go. I know he appreciates our friendship.... but that's all. I have no other friends of my own because I devoted all my time to supporting my ex partner and us doing things together. I think it is time to now get a life, somehow. :confused::cautious:

 

[May1321]

((((valdoodle))))

 

[Angus McGee]

Wow, valdoodle. You are in a very tough spot. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Maybe a sit-down over coffee some where public where you could get a definitive answer one way or the other would be an idea. You would know better than I if that would work in your situation or not.

Be strong.

AMcG

 

[Angelina92]

In my situation it is more of him being embarrassed over his actions..

I have said that the positives in our relationship far exceed any embarrassment that he may feel (and he has said I am the only positive in his life). Have told him to take all the time he needs, that I will check in occasionally (like once a week), that I love and miss him. Funny thing is..I am scared to death that I said the wrong thing.

I have never been a needy girl, but I have totally backed off now. Still, I worried that I said the wrong thing. This whole thing just SUCKS and I hate it so much. I wish he was a jerk and I could just say the hell with it...but I can't do it.

Trying so hard not to add to his stress or to pressure him. He insists that his isolatiing has nothing to do wiht me..and I said OK then...let me know if I can do anything to help you. Still, I second guess myself.

Again I say...this SUCKS. I guess I should have faith...kinda hard to do though sometimes

 

[Angus McGee]

I could have written the above. With the addition of a 1.5yo toddler, and a daughter in high school.

As supporters, I don't think we can do much else. Love them, pray for them and miss them until they're ready to come back.

<Quote deleted by Amethist>

 

[Angelina92]

Really feeling like crap tonite...but I believe that if someone LOVES YOU enough...they will work it out. If they choose not too...then that is not someone that you need in your life. Easier said than done. Again, I say...I try to have faith and believe that he will heal and that i am not a fool.

 

[Smorck5]

I struggle with this too. I do feel guilty and damaged and although I know my husband loves me no matter what. sometimes I just want to leave because I can't handle anyone else need something or wanting something from me that I just don't have to give. Just trying to function some days with PTSD can leave me sooo drained the thought of talking overwhelms me. There is also always that little nagging voice that says they would be better off with out me, however for me being alone would be the worst thing. I always feel better when I force my self to get out and do normal things even if It can be pure hell getting out the door some days.

Good luck

 

[Angus McGee]

My wife feels like you do. She has decided to get her own place. As her supporter, it is my job to support her in whatever choice she makes to help her get better. This may not be the case for everyone, but for us, it seems the best option. She assures me she does not want to end our marriage, but she needs to isolate in order to heal. For as difficult as it is to not have her living at home, it's worse for her to suffer through the PTSD.

For us, her not being home was most definitely the lesser of two evils.

I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

[Tammie]

Wow, for a week, I have been looking up PTSD support, "watching those you love with PTSD" and only today do I find this forum. So nice to know I am not alone.

A "reader's digest" account of my situation: met love of my life 9 years ago-developed a relationship-found out about some tragic events of his past and was even in more awe of this person based on his experiences and resolve to live on inspite of those events. 3 mos ago he had an incident at work and, as the neurologist said, this was the catalyst and he is now in the full throws of PTSD-actually reliving every horrific event of his past. Well, what kind of partner am I if I can't "help" him through this-heck we raised 4 teenagers together- we can do anything!! Well on 5/11 he said he needed his "space" he needed a partner, not a relationship-and I very "grown up like" told him I would take some things and stay at my mom's.

I have emails from him saying that he just doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't feel like him, he doesn't know what he can offer, but he knows how great his life is with me, he knows how much I love him and he feels like I am the only one in the world that would do anything for him and he loves me, yet doesn't want any pressure. Being a supporter/loved one-you find yourself on their roller coaster. There are days that I am on top of the world, have complete faith in us and know I need to take this time of separation and work on some issues I have ignored, but then like so many of you, the memories, thoughts, self-doubt and fear creep up and I then find myself lost. It's those days that the world is on top of me. Like Angus-I will not walk away from this man.

I have been told to completely severe all contact-and my heart of heart tells me the opposite. I do know I have to stop trying to "own" his journey, I do know I have to stop offering my unsolicited advice and diagnosis and I have to stop reminding him what I think he is losing-I have to have a relationship with him that is very one-sided. I know all that. I have been trying to keep myself in his space, by finding any and all reasons to send him a text, to send him an email, to call him-I realize that is for me and of course-more times than not, I feel even more fearful and worried about our long term relationship. These are habits I am stopping.

I find I am trying to make logic out of the most illogical place I have ever been. Nothing about PTSD is rational, logic or sane and nothing about me says I need to abandon him and leave him alone. We got engaged 18 mos ago and I am still his fiance.. He has just been diagnosed and is getting ready to start his therapy-so who is he to say what he knows, he is only going by what he feels to be true and based on how things have been over the course of the last few months-does he even really know his feelings? Although I haven't made my vows yet, I am committed for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer and in sickness and in health. Thanks to you all for sharing your stories.. It really does help.

 

[Angus McGee]

Tammie, he is lucky to have you.

Be strong.

AMcG