Walked Out Of Therapy For The 1st Time

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Recovery4Me - you did give me a smile lol. Unfortunately I didn't get much sleep. About 2hrs broken for a 2nd night in a row, before a 13hr shift which I've just finished! The nightmares are what are really overwhelming me. I've started remembering some things from when I was very young and this is literally freaking me out

 

[GWhizz]

@GWhizz is your T able to continue to talk to you on the phone? Or can you write her a letter or email? I think that it is important that she knows that this is affecting you in a way that is dangerous. It sounds to me like there needs to be a bit of a slowing down happening here but it worries me that you are talking an 'all or nothing' thing here.

She told me yesterday she will be available to contact anytime just to text and she'll call when free. But it's Friday night now. I don't want to bother her right now. I definitely agree that things are moving too fast right now

 

[Laura 2]

But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to go back to another session in that room. I really feel it'll be a waste of time etc. I really don't know whether I should go any deeper into my trauma history either. I've only shared a little the past 2weeks and after both sessions I've wanted to self harm and it's a compulsion I feel unable to stop

@GWhizz
Not everything is because of PTSD...sometimes it's just because we don't like something!

Maybe the room's too small, too vast, too cold, too hot, the windows won't open,there's people constantly walking up and down outside, the carpet's a hideous pattern etc etc.

I don't know if this helps, but something about PTSD has finely tuned my instincts. E.g. The therapists I've dumped because of my instinct have, with more objective hindsight, been seriously poor. Not saying that your T is inept but there's something in your instinct (which is our primary self-protection mechanism) is saying 'nope! this isn't so good for me!'.

I know therapy's supposed to be 'tough', 'hard work' and all, but I don't believe that you should be feeling like self-harming afterwards. Is she pushing you too much? Does she take time to close the sessions well? What's her experience with trauma? Qualifications? Is this private therapy or is it the NHS 12 week effort?

I learnt a very good lesson in dumping bad therapists - it actually gave me more healing than anything they ever said: it was learning that I could say 'NO! that's enough of that! This isn't working for me!' and the sky didn't fall down.

Not saying at all that you should think about firing your T. Just that this is YOUR therapy, she is there for YOU. You can decide how you want it to be.

Another thing I've learnt with PTSD is that to some extent it cannot be pushed, our minds/brains go at their own pace for very good reasons. There is only so much trauma memory it can deal with at a time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I never considered how much a room could matter. This is a great thing to think about. I have memorized every tiny part of my therapist's office. She's moving her office in about a month. I have been anxious about it because I know it will be different and unknown, but I was really only thinking about the parking and walking in part. I never thought about how the inside will be different, too.

 

[shimmerz]

Seriously @JEKBreatheandBelieve - just remembering what it took for me to get to the T's office downtown - it is no wonder I was wiped for days afterwards. Just hearing your example of parking and walking in - OMG - brings it all back. They tore the hospital I used to go to down completely - I went to the new hospital and had a very bad experience and couldn't go there again.

I wonder if talking to her about it before you move would be a good idea. Even starting to bring something of yours in that soothes (?) so you can transfer it to the new office. Just throwing ideas out there as it seems a number of us are having this problem.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I will definitely write about this post in my journal so my therapist can read it and then we can "talk" about the transition. Her new office will be in her house and I have driven by it, but actually going there is going to be quite different and I am glad I read all this so I can prepare myself and not be taken my surprise.

 

[GWhizz]

@Laura 2 thank you for your comments.

Personally I do not feel it is my therapist that's the issues here though. She didn't push or force me to disclose anything. I brought a written note with me because I was getting fed up wasting my time not being able to get into it. She tried to get me to stay and at least come back to the present before I left but I just couldn't. She nearly followed me out until I told her to stop. And then she text and tried calling soonafter to see was I okay and apologise if she'd upset me or anything. She also took my calls/texts late that night and told me I'm not alone, she will see it through with me. I do not question her commitment or professionalism at all. It's my personal issue with the room and with feeling like I don't deserve her support and that I'm annoying her (which she has assured me, she would set up a boundary if she felt I was being manipulative or anything, but that she sees how hard this is).

I just don't know what to do now. It's like everyday is a fight against myself. Even yesterday in work I lost focus and I swear the floor was moving, feels like I'm going crazy. I usually am able to block it out and focus in work. Now I feel useless and like I don't even care anymore. I used to be pretty career driven.

I don't want to contact my T again this weekend as I feel like 'the boy who cried wolf' and that it's becoming a cycle week after week, that I'm just going around in circles. I want to tell her I can't work in that room but I don't think that's possible as she cannot control what rooms she has access to on different days and she's moving our appointments to facilitate my working shifts

 

[Laura 2]

@GWhizz - do you remember some comments on a post a few days ago where people raised the technique of just describing how you feel here and now? And starting from there...

You've described how you're feeling and what's going on for you really well in your posts on this thread, maybe this is the place to start, not on the historical horrors....? Start with the effects in the here and now...? Like pick a random place on that circle, stop, be with it and just describe it and go from there...

It's so good to hear that your T is so supportive. (She wouldn't be if she found you annoying, would she?!) I know that utterly isolating feeling that 'I don't deserve support/love/anything' - for me, when I think about it rationally, that's coming from what I learned - or was forced to learn - in the process of developing PTSD. Is it something similar for you?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good for you. My T from when I lived in NH told me he was having his office reprinted and new rug. When I came we sat in the waiting room while explained that he had it decorated by a professional decorator. He was just letting me know what it looked like. I got to trembling just thinking about the smells of new rugs and furniture so I left for the day. He called later and we processed a plan to get me in the office. He texted me photos of it. That helped a lot. Sometimes the best place is home alone

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just don't know what to do now. It's like everyday is a fight against myself. Even yesterday in work I lost focus and I swear the floor was moving, feels like I'm going crazy. I usually am able to block it out and focus in work. Now I feel useless and like I don't even care anymore. I used to be pretty career driven.

I don't want to contact my T again this weekend as I feel like 'the boy who cried wolf' and that it's becoming a cycle week after week, that I'm just going around in circles.

I can relate to that line "It's like everyday is a fight against myself." That's how a feel a lot of the time. The other day I started hearing sirens and I kept pausing to listen and there weren't any. Then, I would hear them again. I finally has to ask my husband and he said there weren't any. They're bad enough in real life, I don't need to start imagining them!

I contacted my therapist after a rough session this week and I had similar thoughts about feeling like it was becoming a cycle because I had had to do the same thing the week before. I waited a couple of hours before I actually decided to and I tried to remind myself that I have gone long stretches without contacting her. I was especially hesitant because I know the last time I contacted her she had had a busy night and I didn't want the same to happen again. It's a tricky balance and hard to trust your own instincts when you aren't in a great state of mind which brings you back to why you want to contact in the first place.