Walking on egg shells

[cinderellafaye]

So, my husband and I met in an eating disorder group and have both experienced trauma. He has anger issues and occasionally has outbursts. He has never laid a hand on me or our child, but can be violent towards objects. We have holes in our walls, etc, from his previous outbursts. The outbursts used to be a more regular occurance, but have become less frequent in the last few years.

Saturday, my 4 year old son and husband were on the couch trying to put together a toy. Everyone was happy and in a good mood. My husband has the habit of putting his drink on the floor by the couch. My son tripped over the drink and it spilled all over the carpet. My husband violently yelled "f*ck" at the top of his lungs and threw the toy as hard as he could against the wall. My son peed on himself he was so terrified and then kept repeating that he, "didnt mean to." Finally, he broke out in a sob. I scooped him up and carried him out of the room to get away from my husband. Husband followed us because he immediately wanted to apologize. This upset my son even more.

My husband claimed that my reaction to the incident made my son upset. He thinks that although his reaction is less than ideal, it happens. He thinks that it is my issue because it triggers things from my childhood. He will not go back to therapy to work on his anger issues.

He is so unpredictable; I have to constantly be on guard. Like if we are both walking down the hall, I have to turn around to go the other way so that he doesnt get mad at me. Yes, he has not physically harmed me, but I am petrified of him. I am 5 ft and 100 lbs. He is 6 ft 2 and a muscular 230 lbs.

He told me that my reaction to this episode made him feel worse about the situation than he already did and made him want to kill himself.

I am going through so much of my own stuff at the moment. I am just beginning to deal with my own trauma and have lately remembered some more of my abuse. I also have to take care of my son. I simply dont have anymore left to also take care of my husband.

Dont get me wrong. He isnt a bad guy. I love him. Also, I know the incident could have been a lot worse, but I have my son to think about. I am already damaged and I dont care what happens to me. However, innocent my son deserves my protection.

 

[Friday]

He told me that my reaction to this episode made him feel worse about the situation than he already did and made him want to kill himself

Dude, if you’d rather kill yourself than get some anger management? Think that someone comforting a child, rather than your explosive outburst and temper tantrum is what upset the kid? You are seriously f*cked in the head. Man up and get some help or get the f*ck up away from your wife and kid. <<< What I would say, and have said to others, if I knew your husband.

Also, word to the wise, anyone willing to knock a hole in a wall but not learn how to fix it? Or, hell, even hire it done if they’re about damn hopeless with a screwdriver?Big warning sign. That’s someone who isn’t willing to face the consequences of their actions.

 

[intothelight]

However, innocent my son deserves my protection.

Yes, only you can protect your son and the threat of "killing myself" cannot be tolerated. Sorry, you are going through this and I hope you can find some assistance and support. He may not be laying a hand on anyone right now, but if he can't control an explosive outburst over a spilled drink, don't have a lot of faith that he can control his emotions when it is something more serious.

 

[Sweetleaf]

We have holes in our walls, etc, from his previous outbursts.

IMO, putting holes in walls and being violent towards objects is still intimidation and abuse.

My son peed on himself he was so terrified and then kept repeating that he, "didnt mean to."

Like, prime example right there - your kid got intimidated.
Seeing someone hitting things, throwing things, makes you fear that it will be you that'll be hit, have things thrown at, etc, especially when there is someone very angry doing it, who is physically larger and stronger than you - full disclosure: I had a lot of shit thrown at me and was hit a lot, by someone who would also be violent towards objects, so maybe my view on "being violent towards objects" is a bit skewed.
Some more red flags (imo):

My husband claimed that my reaction to the incident made my son upset. He thinks that although his reaction is less than ideal, it happens. He thinks that it is my issue because it triggers things from my childhood. He will not go back to therapy to work on his anger issues.

He told me that my reaction to this episode made him feel worse about the situation than he already did and made him want to kill himself.

!!!

He is so unpredictable; I have to constantly be on guard. Like if we are both walking down the hall, I have to turn around to go the other way so that he doesnt get mad at me

None of that is good. The suicide threat seems manipulative. He's trying to blame shift, trying to use your past against you, and that seems emotionally abusive to me. You shouldn't have to be around someone who makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells, having to yield to him, being afraid and intimidated by him.

My mom stayed with my dad, despite him being a belligerent alcoholic, and just a complete shit parent all around. She stayed with him "for the kids" - and as a result of that I suffered due to his shitty parenting. He also sexually abused me, though nothing he did gave me PTSD.

Yours is a different kind of situation, but still - it is worth considering leaving him, if he won't fix his issues. It sounds like you've already tried, and been together for a while, and it sounds like he really doesn't want to work on improving at all.

There is nothing wrong with leaving him to protect your kid, if you want to do that - and on top of that, I don't think there is any need for -you- to subject -yourself- to his shit either - you matter too.

It's much better to have one good parent, than to have a good parent and an abusive parent, even if the abusive parent isn't always necessarily bad.

It's up to you, what you decide to do, but you have plenty of reason to leave him, especially seeing as he doesn't want to get better, and is doing nothing to improve himself.

 

[cinderellafaye]

I just feel like I am over reacting and it isnt a big deal. First of all, it isnt a frequent occurence. Secondly, no one was physically hurt. But, at the same time, I dont want to harm my son.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them. You are not responsible for your husband's feelings. Removing the child from the situation was appropriate. You did not over react.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I just feel like I am over reacting and it isnt a big deal.

I felt the same way telling a select couple of friends that my rib was broken because of my ex, the first time he broke one of my ribs.
I felt like it wasn't a big deal, like -they- were overreacting by telling me he was abusive as f*ck and I needed to get away from him. I felt like I was overreacting by asking people what I should do, and if I should stay with him - they all told me to get the f*ck away, I ignored all of them, sadly. Wouldn't be the last time he broke my bones.

Making your kid piss his pants, is "a big deal" in my opinion, like, that's bad. My parents never scared me so badly that I peed myself, at any age, and my mom was angry like 85% of the time.

Looking out for your kid's best interests, is not over-reacting.

 

[cinderellafaye]

At the same time, I feel like the world's worst mom. I was shocked when it happened and feel like I didnt respond appropriately.

 

[desiderata310]

*gaslighting*
*verbal abuse*
those things escalate.

 

[Neverthesame]

My husband claimed that my reaction to the incident made my son upset.

No. He pissed himself while repeating "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to."
Yeah, totally your fault....
Him smashing his sons toy against the wall over a spilled drink while screaming obscenities, is a perfectly rational response to such a trivial occurrence. (Sarcasm)

He has anger issues and occasionally has outbursts. He has never laid a hand on me or our child, but can be violent towards objects.

So do I. I used to throw tantrums and scream and shout and smash things.
I thought it was totally acceptable, because I didn't do it to people. I was wrong, it's not acceptable at all.
I did this at work, not at home. Otherwise your husband sounds like me 6 years ago.

We have holes in our walls, etc, from his previous outbursts.

This is terrible example he's setting for your son. You want a kid who breaks things without any care for repercussions of such behaviour.
He doesn't even fix the f*cking walls?

Don't be surprised if your kid starts throwing rocks at windows when he gets a little older.

My husband has the habit of putting his drink on the floor by the couch.

He put a drink on the floor near a 4 year old boy. He's surprised that it was knocked over?
Husband needs a sippy cup. At least until he can put his glass on a coaster like a big boy.

My husband violently yelled "f*ck" at the top of his lungs and threw the toy as hard as he could against the wall.

This is not a healthy or effective way to control anger.
It's not stopping anger, or dealing with it. It's simply diverting it to somewhere else. The rage is still being expressed, it's just in a way that's not illegal.

He told me that my reaction to this episode made him feel worse about the situation than he already did and made him want to kill himself.

No, no, no, no, no.
Manipulative garbage. He needs to feel bad about this. It's good motivation to stop acting like a toddler.

He is so unpredictable; I have to constantly be on guard.

If you grew up in a home like this, how would you feel about it?
This is what your son is growing up in.

Yes, he has not physically harmed me, but I am petrified of him.

You know, I never knew how much my anger affected the people around me. I legit thought that everyone would see that I'm not angry at them, therefore they can't be negatively affected because it's not about them.

Nope. I was scaring the shit out of people all the time. The worst affected where the people I never had a problem with. People I've never said a harsh word too, were terrified of me.
I was so caught up in the target of my tantrum, I never paid any attention to those people.
Once I started working on my anger, I started noticing that whenever something would happen that would ordinarily set me off, the room I was in would suddenly become empty.
That's when I figured out that only targeting inanimate objects to vent my anger at, was just not good enough.

I feel like the world's worst mom.

No, you're not. The world's worst mom, wouldn't be bothered by what happened.
The world's worst mom would be content to just sit back and watch. Not try to remove her little boy from a situation so scary he pissed his pants.

Don't let your husband turn this around on you.

• He put the drink there.
• He screamed obscenities.
• He threw the toy.
• He pulled the emotional blackmail shit.

He needs help, this needs to stop. Just because it doesn't leave bruises, doesn't mean it isn't abuse.
It's just legal. Not right, nor acceptable. Just legal.

 

[Victory]

Oh, my. I'm so afraid for both you and your son. Yes, stuff like this escalates. That poor kid. Your story triggered memories of my (Borderline) mother flying into violent rages over nothing, the stuff that caused the hell I now live in called PTSD, 60 years later.