Warning Signs Of Suicide

[Mercy]

I have felt like I didn't have the strength to maintain my life many times, so hopeless, so worthless, so helpless against the onslaught of flashbacks. They were both emotional and fullbody flashbacks with sound and physical pain. I felt like I was purposely retraumatizing myself, as if some part of me meant to always sustain high levels of pain, isolation and hypervigilance. It was crippling.

Suicide was and sometimes still is a constant companion. The pain was just too much to bear. The sorrow, the horror, and the torture. I think the torture is the worst part and certainly feeds into the helplessness. You only live because your torturer wants to do it again. As the one tortured, I threw away all sense of self respect, I begged, and begged, screamed and begged. It was like I had given myself totally away into this man's control. I'm not sure what he wanted other than to inflicted pain. I kept expecting him to demand I go and do horrible things. That was my main fear that I wouldn't be able to keep my vow, "Thou shalt do no harm."

I still get flashbacks but now at least I recognize the pit of despair while I am falling in and know it is a memory too. I can't always keep that understanding. The pit of dark despair is so dank, and dark. Sometimes it actually smells like burned flesh and rotting garbage.

Tired...... so very tired.......

 

[Mercy]

. She tells me I a worthless and EVIL. Constant telling me i am evil and was a fat child. Makes no sense. Why are we so attached to family when they are so crappy?

Maybe because that's all we know? If my mother were still alive I would still be placating her. I used to feel polluted by her as if an invisible umbilical cord still existed between us that was poisoning me.

No one, NO ONE has the right to call another human being evil. Calling you that is a horrible form of emotional abuse. It is such a lie, a truth distorting, world destroying lie.You are not evil. No child is evil. Sure we make mistakes but if our mothers made huge scenes, yelling (and hitting)and saying that we were evil for spilling milk, then they are the ones who are doing the evil thing NOT the CHILD.

OH, No, that is just plain not right, not right at all. No, no no, not right ever in any circumstances, at any time to make a child believe that they are evil, especially if all that is happening is that the child has made a reasonable request.

Mom, can I have an apple? What did you say to your kids? I'll bet my shirt that you smiled and cut it for them. What a huge difference! See you are not evil. She couldn't make you behave with evil intentions toward your kids. You won. YOU WON!!!!!!

 

[leanne1321]

I think I tick most of those boxes on most days. But I've got a solid rock and that's what you need. I have 2 beautiful boys and to be honest, I could'nt leave them with Daddy because he's a clutz!

There have been a number of times when I've been close and another when I tried to jump out of my bedroom window on the second floor, but my brother grabbed me and pulled me back inside. Not sure if I would have gone through with it, but my brother and sister kept a very close eye on me after that.

 

[Gamereign555]

I experienced thoughts while switching from one anti depressant to another, I was in a terrible state of mind. The pain was more than anything I have ever felt. I went to the hospital the next morning after being unable to sleep and got some meds to help while the other kicked in. I hate to say meds are the answer but in my case there didn't seem to be a way to talk myself into feeling better, distraction wasn't working either. I couldn't do anything to calm me down, it was like a 6 hour long terrible panic attack.

 

[Kintsugi]

I hate to say meds are the answer but in my case there didn't seem to be a way to talk myself into feeling better, distraction wasn't working either.

My mother, a nurse who has worked across several medical disciplines (social worker, midwife, others), is very anti medication. She pounded a stubbornness towards meds into me from a very young age, all with good intentions. I don't blame her. I don't believe that meds should be looked to for everything as the cure that they are not.

However, after going through many many suicidal periods, finally last semester was it. I couldn't escape it. I was writing a memoir on my trauma and family. That was not helping. I was writing a fifteen page critical essay on the dispossession of the characters Desdemona and Ophelia, spending hours just dissecting these women's deaths, particularly Ophelia's suicide. I wrote a ten page annotation of Hamlet's suicide soliloquy. I watched 7 different film adaptations for this soliloquy. I looked up three different ancient copies of this soliloquy. I could not escape. It felt like "Kill yourself!" was on a billboard somewhere (actually, right by my apartment there is a giant billboard for an airline that says, "Take the easy way out!" great!).

So I talked to my fiance's mother about it. She was nonchalant. She did not even see what the question was. "If you were sick," she said. "I would take you to a doctor to get you medication. You're sick. You need a doctor. You need meds. Just take them and work on yourself while they help you feel normal."

My meds still don't make me feel "normal," but they REALLY help with the suicidal thoughts and other ridiculousness (I'm not on an anti-depressant, I'm on a mood stabilizer sometimes prescribed for bipolar). If I had a terrible sore throat, I would take some motrin. I would help alleviate the pain as I rested and healed.

So, meds are not the answer, but they are a big step in that direction for some. No shame!

 

[Mercy]

Yup, I agree. There is no shame in taking the medicine we need. I wonder why so many of us seem to think we have to do everything on our own strength. Weird idea.

 

[Sandra]

I can relate to not wanting to live. I struggle with severe depression on a daily basis. For a while I stopped taking my medications. My medications are VERY important and without them I can die. I didn't tell anyone I stopped taking them. I am now back on the medications though. For how long this time, who knows.

 

[Mercy]

Sandra, please try hard to keep taking your meds. We really can't do the work of therapy without them. They do keep us steady enough to do the hard work we need to do. Besides, we need you here with the contributions you make.

I would also like not to be dependent on meds. I've never let myself become addicted to anything. I was too afraid of the power someone might have over me by taking them away. Now that the world seems a little safer, I'm not so reactive about the question of meds.

 

[Sandra]

Thanks for your concern Mercy. I see my Dr. again on the 23rd. I will be getting my labwork done soon too. I just don't think my meds are the correct dosage at the time. I'm not feeling right lately. I have been back on my meds for about 10 weeks now. And it's usually a 6 week period that they should be making the difference. So I will soon find out if they need adjusting again. After my last labwork was done I don't think my Dr. was too happy with me. I told him to give me a good kick in the butt as I deserved that at the time.

 

[Sandra]

Has anyone had more then one suicide to deal with?

I lost my late husband to suicide plus my grandfather.

 

[Mercy]

Dear Sandra,
Suicide has run in my family for several generations. I don't know if they have some foundation in genetics.
I am keeping a close connection with my brother as logically he will be next. He has passed through the 50's so we all feel relieved but still wary.

 

[Anglesachse]

I must say that after 3 attempts at taking my own life, I have never forwarned anyone. It was allways me alone, no messages, no good byes, no warnings.

My folks found me when I was 15, after an *v*rd*s*, My wife found me after an *v*rd*s*, and my wife c*t me down from a tree that I had h*ng myself from.

The only kind of warning that was ever present, was the fact that in each case I had destroyed (burnt) any thing that pointed to me ever having existed, all documents with my name on were destroyed, the only thing I ever kept was my Passport?! for the ferry trip to te otherside, just in case Customs were there?! Wierd. All I ever wanted in each case was "Not to have existed" therefore nobody would miss me.

I must point out however on a slightly lighter side, that each time it was bloody exspensive afterwards replacing everything that was destroyed ;-\