Warning Signs Of Suicide

[Srain]

Truckinjoan, in my family I've always been singled out as the "problem" the one that if "she weren't here everything would be so much better!" and I've carried that with me, fighting it at the same time inside me like the Perfect Storm raging all the time. What I've found is that they needed me to focus all their crap on so as not to look at themselves, you were NEVER their problem, are NOT a problem, you were their gift and they blew it.

You are stronger than you realize and more precious than you know, that's why you are here and what makes you a Survivor. Keep moving forward. You are not alone.

 

[Truckinjoan]

Srain, thank you for your kind words. You are a very nice person!

 

[Mercy]

Truckinjoan, I don't know where you are at with God stuff, But I just want to say that what you say to yourself is a lot of what you family said to you not lovingly. Anything, word or statement, that tears a person down is not from God, It's the other guy.

Name calling was just my accepted vocabulary until I could learn to see that I was being mean to myself. My T and I worked on the rather long list and aimed at one mean thing that hurt each time I said it to myself. Gradually, I learned to speak nicely to myself. My anger went down, my fear went down and so did my hypervigilance

 

[Truckinjoan]

Thank you Mercy, your words are beautiful.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

TruckinJoan- I am so sorry to hear, well- all of it. My instinct grabbed a hold of me and wanted to scream out that people are cruel and mean- but then I read the posts and realized, not all of them are that way. Remember though that people often say mean things because they are only trying to make you feel as badly as they do inside. They try to tear you down so that they can feel better about themselves. It is a shame that it works. Because people like you, and all of us, deserve so much more/ better than that.

Society and culture has changed through out time. Today, it seems as cruel as ever. It is lacking basic humanity in so many ways. Our children are growing, and thinking of committing suicide at alarmingly young ages, before they have even full grown. People can be so nasty to one another, it is no wonder that our children are picking up on this and feel hopeless enough to even consider the very notion of suicide.

Awareness is key. The compiled list should be told to every human being, not just to those with ptsd.

 

[Truckinjoan]

You are so right simplekindofgirl. I feel so accepted here. I wish more people had compassion, the world could be an okay place.

TJ

 

[Tinyflame]

Truckinjoan, sometimes there's lot's of compassion there (around you)- it's just not 'loud' or forceful or 'demanding' to be seen.

I think lots of times these people 'project' their own (true) thoughts and fears about themselves- Thomas Merton said that- such as, "You should be dead" truly means they don't know why they're living/ they should be, etc.
Or even sometimes perhaps they get angry that you have the courage to be yourself, when they don't/ aren't.

Stick with who and what brings you up, the rest can be ignored as best as is possible or called on their behaviour. This is the 21st century- they're acting like the dark ages.
xox

 

[Girl3]

Do you have any suggestions for someone like myself who does not have any support system set up?

You can be surrounded by people, work with people, take care of people and NOT have a support person, let alone a system. Finding that system is tough for many of us, because we (at least I) have a history of making bad choices for friends, husbands, even therapists. Not everyone is trustworthy and you cannot find trustworthy people in a day's time.

But the people here on this forum are helpful and understanding. I hope you can read about PTSD, learn to love yourself, find help, and support both through this network of kind people and in the world where you are.

 

[4L150N]

When I was doing better, I made up a "wellbeing chart" that my mom printed off and put on her fridge. It's a color coded chart so all I have to do is say a color and she can refer to the chart and see what I need from her based on the color. It also has "what I'm saying" and "what I'm feeling" so that if she hears me say certain things over and over she knows what I need.... ie. "I'm so tired" is a code orange and "I'm done" is code red and then she knows what I need....

 

[Pale Warrior]

I grew up with my mother 's suicide attempts as an every day fear. Wiping up the blood from her wrist slashing, calling the ambulance. Coming home from school to an empty house and piecing together the clues - vomit empty pill bottles. Everyone pretending it hadn't happened. Trashed my 10th birthday with another overdose.

No surprise then when I started age 15. Sad that no one ever asked why a 15 year old was trying to kill herself. It was all hushed up. Every time I ran away I got carted back to hell house, till I learned how to hide, to get far away from everyone who knew me. 15-25 was the decade of oblivion, punctuated by multiple overdoses in a life of drugs and booze. Not once, never ever, did any of my family reach out. I tied to get back to some sort of dialog but each time it kicked off again.

I gave up trying to be a family at 22, the last time my father tried to kill us all.

I escaped and took and overdose - there's irony - and the hospital contacted my mother. She wouldn't acknowledge me as her daughter. The shame of my existence was reafirmed.

I still have my recurring fantasy death, only now I know I won't do it.

To all those living in the suicide place, don't let it win. Reach out to someone and take any support you can get hold of. I had to cut the line to my parents and start a new life. It didn't make the old one go away but it has made it a damn sight easier to live with.

Courage and confidence, x

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Pale Warrior)))))

You are amazing! May your journey bring profound healing to you and may your witness change the system for those who will have to walk similar roads.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Thank you BloominWinter.

I have to thank a few kind people who over the years gave me kindness and warmth, who listened, who let me sleep it off in the safety of their homes, who bought me a meal without expecting anything in return.

Above all sits the namless stranger who found me unconscious in a alley and took me by taxi to the nearest hospital. I was moments from death.

They know who they are, and I am now in a position to pass some of that karma around in their memory.

If you spot the signs, hold out a hand and put the kettle on.