Warning Signs Of Suicide

[Mercy]

Oh my sweet Junebug, I'm crying gentle tears from your kindness and caring. Thanks for the gentle tender hug.

I will carry on, I know. It's just hard sometimes. Thank you for your support.[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]

I think I'll be able to sleep now.[/DLMURL]

 

[Privateer]

I have never attempted suicide and I am so afraid of it, and I also have my wife and children to always think about. While I LOVE life, and experiencing it, it does get hard; and sometimes I DO wonder if it would help.

I'm not really afraid of death these days, but like you I'm pretty damned fond of being alive and don't want to stop before I really have to.

That said...I sometimes get to feeling that I'm such a terrible person that I don't deserve to be here and that to end myself is the only way to do right by everyone else.

 

[Tinyflame]

Some people will understand, some never will. I no longer feel guilt as to what I 'owe' anyone else, for the most part. I gave people more credit for 'feelings' than in reality applied. I just don't want to leave anyone with financial debt.

 

[Girl3]

I don't think the fear of death would keep someone from suicide if that person thinks there are only two solutions: live in misery, or die. If life seems to have only two options, one might opt for the latter.

On the other hand, if you always leave yourself a third option: get admitted to a hospital, go stay with a friend or loved one who can help you through the moment - that other option, the one not so drastic and not so miserable - can allow you to live. If you just give yourself more hours, more days, more options. You can opt-out of suicide an entire lifetime

 

[endlessocean]

I am really worried about myself right now, I am not stranger to suicidal thoughts. Right now however, I am really down. Coming to this thread and seeing so many others suffering is not making me feel any better.

The fact that I have chronic PTSD, that has been present for years and years with no letup is really getting to me now. All that hope that I had that fueled my doing various recovery actions seems to be for nothing, as I am still very depressed, and just can't seem to make any good friends or build a good relationship.

At the moment, I cannot work, I cannot go out to see friends, I have no interest in any of it. That last attempt at a relationship really kicked my butt, and I am down. I am in medical school and instead of being happy at my achievement, all I feel is burden and worry. I wish I could just snap out of it. I am having trouble accessing healthcare, so I have no meds and I need them, for sure.

 

[Girl3]

I am having trouble accessing healthcare, so I have no meds and I need them, for sure.

If you are in med school, you should have access to student health services. You needn't worry about breach of confidentiality - if they do, you'd own the medical school. You could also go speak to one of the psychiatry docs - see whose credentials list PTSD as an area of interest, and ask for help.

New research into insomnia (with which many of us with PTSD suffer) shows that medical students with insomnia issues go on to develop major depression. So perhaps your hyper-aroused chronic mental state has you also experiencing insomnia: synergy of the two births a whopping depression. I know: went through medical school, surgery residency and anesthesia residency without sleeping. PTSD since childhood, multiple attempts at suicide, and years of antidepressants.

And I am still not "happy" with a capital H. But I will tell you this: trying to die isn't easy and when you muck it up, it's miserable.

If sleep isn't an issue - that is all you do is sleep - then you need an SSRI/SNRI in the AM to help you get back into the groove of life. You will also eventually need to deal with your trauma(s), but it really doesn't have to be now.

When I turned 49 and really, truly wanted to die, got help, and now, nearly 52 I am full-fledged dealing with my traumas, I am better equipped to deal with them directly than I was at any other time of my life. Do you have a suicide plan? Then develop a NOT SUICIDE plan. Write to me if you want. You have achieved something incredibly significant living inside a PTSD body: you've triumphed in an optimistic way. Yeah - triumph. Yeah - optimistic. Those are the right words.

PTSD is like any other chronic disease of a serious but treatable nature. If you had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis you'd be more doomed to die - and people could tell you all the things you needed to do to help fight the disease; but you'd have to fight.

From personal experience: exercise. Study while you exercise. Put your notes on something that you can carry while you walk or run or bike. Record lectures and play them while you work out on your MP3. Don't eat crap - eat veggies, whole grains, salad, fish, lean meat. (Don't cook? Go to a deli or a place that sells steamed veggies or buy LeanCuisine - but don't do Burger King or Taco Bell.) Don't drink alcohol. DON"T DRINK ALCOHOL. Alcohol is depression in liquid form. It isn't medicine, it's poison. Don't do any drugs for any reason, unless someone prescribes it legally AND it makes sense.

Can you succeed as a doctor - absolutely. You think you are the only doctor to be who has PTSD? There's a bunch of us. I just happen to be one that admits to both.

Have a third option. The world is not black or white. The answer isn't life or death. Everyone else on the planet isn't much happier than you believe yourself to be. Happy is an understanding that if you are alive, there is a chance you might be happy in the next day or two, or month or two, or not. And if you are dead, the only thing that will happen is that you will be isothermic to your surroundings and begin to smell bad pretty soon thereafter.

I'm rooting for you. I'll hold you in my caring thoughts. Be well. Be weak and lean on those who are stronger until you are ready to be strong on your own. If you believe, you will understand you are only given a life that you can -CAN - live. :ninja::watching:

 

[endlessocean]

Hi Girl3,
Thanks for your response. I do have depression pretty badly right now, and unfortunately I am not in a US school that has student services. I am on my own, but have made some progress toward getting medication.

I am looking for people right now in my real time life that can support me, and am having a lot of trouble finding them. I have not given up hope, however, and I am still searching. I just had a very disappointing phone call in which the person I was talking to got very frustrated that they felt I was repeating myself, and I realized I was (again) trying to get someone who does not understand to understand. Sigh.

Thanks for your words of encouragement, they do mean a lot to me. I believe I can get through this, it is just going to take a lot of effort!

 

[Mercy]

Oh dear.Had a massive ptsd episode day before yesterday. still dealing with the fall out....shaking hands, can't paint...muscle twitches....embarrassment, we are visiting really caring and nice relatives. My husband didn't explain why I was semi-frozen and trembling. I thought there was a war going on and close up gun shots. I guess now they must think I am crazy. very embarrassed.

 

[endlessocean]

Hi Mercy. I suggest (and this is my opinion not telling you what to do) that you could tell them you have a medical condition. This is not a lie, either! If they pry, you can always say "it affects my nervous system." This is also no lie. I think most importantly is that you get to feeling better. I hope you do!

 

[Mercy]

Thank you, endlessocean, I love the ocean too but maybe you mean endlessocean of tears. I get that too.
Your suggestions are good. I will have to do them before any incedents since I freeze. Today I have refered to it as a PTSD episode. It is up to them what they think. It's hard for me to tell how they are feeling since they wonderful people but with very British stiff upper lips. and least said, soonest mended.

 

[sabrinaisabadgirl]

Struggling..............

 

[sabrinaisabadgirl]

I hope I never have to feel this way again...its hard waking up, counting on things you can't see...the only thing I see is that I am poison, I don't want to poison anyone.